Archive for the ‘GLBT’ Category

I’m finding myself falling into a pattern again. It’s bringing men I meet in a bar home at closing hour.

I did this years ago while Bipolar High Swinging. Alone, lonely. However, the majority of the time was when I was spurned (or worse) by a woman I was in love with.

Yes I’m gay. And a clear yes to the spurning and worse, it was unrequited love.

So I’d select some random guy and fuck him. Certainly not the other way around.

It was ridiculously easy. Sit in a corner. Pick one. Start making eye contact, and before you knew it, all of your drinks were free.

Back home was ridiculous. All of the compliments, wanting to “make love.” I wanted to slap them all until their teeth fell out. The only thing that was alright was giving me a precoital massage. Briefly.

Afterward, I’d kick them out of my apartment as fast as they came (extremely bad pun.)

One guy insisted upon sleeping and cuddling until the morning. I actually grabbed his stuff, threw it toward the door and started screaming at him to get out. I think it was 0400hrs or so?

I wasn’t angry with them, of course. They were nothing. Blank Canvases. Simply there for me to throw my life’s mess all over them. Constantly trying to find the right colour of an unruly heart.

I’m back again. This sordid terrain. Yes, there is another woman responsible who is driving me to become irresponsible.

Sure, I could “own it” but it’s not that easy. Especially considering the past, and how easy it’s been to slip into it all over again.

I need to stop stranger danger with these men I meet. It hasn’t been pretty.

Yes. I’m creating a new style.

It will surely catch on quickly, for those walking around with permanent, dark clouds over their heads. Just like me.

The rest of you “sunny folks” might not take to it so much. But if you do, you might have to work a bit harder to end up on the runway. I’m already designing my first line.

To those who want to audition, email me with your Headshots, completely showing your Dark Clouds. No Agents are required. Neither are your body sizes.

Although, your tastes in music I feel are a requirement. Please state them, and send CD’s, .mp3’s, whatever, with your favourite songs. That would be very helpful.

I am a Fashionista, so keep that in mind. That will never change. No matter how much I may wish to throw myself off a Condominium with 50 Floors. Or, anything else like that.

Which would hurt.


Now, everyone interested in modelling, please carefully consider my Philosophy:

“It looks like shite, but it would cost hundreds of dollars.”

I’m quite serious about this. I will put something together, all Dark-Cloudy-Headed, and people will think I’m a total freak of nature (which I am but that’s irrelevant.)

I’ll casually stroll past the most expensive stores in the city. Soon I’ll hear the sounds. Once again. At least now, no longer deafening.

Multiple Ambulances, the Police, the Firemen and Women. All because of so many turned necks, heads and bodies that have been shot back to me.

My “Trashy Attire” WAS worth hundreds of dollars. And unfortunately a lot of hospital beds. But for looking better than the rest? Is it really your fault?

I don’t bother sticking around for the Media. That would be extremely poor taste.

So let me know what you think.

I was just thinking too. Maybe Neganovelty wouldn’t be such a “Novelty” after all. Just like in Fashion, you can NEVER go wrong with black.

There are a lot of people out there that don’t have only permanent dark clouds over their heads. They have ones that are permanently BLACK.

Maybe mine is too. I do look striking in black. And every woman has “The Perfect Little Black Dress” in her closet.

I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!


But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.

I like to do this in front of people who are really drunk.  It has maximum effect that way.

Sure, I walk around with a cane but you know what happens when people get drinking.  Inhibitions break down, sometimes walls break down (even with me but neither here nor there for this Post.)

So I’m out at the pub and I just picked a perfect random perfect moment.  Actually, it has to be “perfect” based upon the people, conversation etc.

I’ll go up to them and say, “I don’t know if I’m that flexible but…”

I’ll whip my right leg with my arms holding it, almost over my head.  I just did it now.

Immediately from one guy I heard, “That’s sexy!”

I mean, this is so crazy! I do some pseudo-gymnastic move, having had alcohol or not and the effect?

The drunk men go totally, sexually nuts! The women are really impressed and can go sexually nuts too.

All because I just lifted my leg a bit higher than most might be able to do? And I don’t even know how I can do it?

Okay.  Right.  Whatever.

I’m not talking about reeling in a fish and losing it.  No.  This phrase his a different meaning of which I think everyone knows.

That one true love that “got away.”

Did they really “get away?” And were they your “one true love” as well? What does that mean?

I think it means it’s a construct you have created in your own mind.  You have fallen “in love” (whatever that means as well) and you have become, at various points, a near slave to that construct.

That would mean you are possibility “pining” for that certain someone? That construct. Step back.  If you can.

Which I have never been able to do.  Or at least very well.

Maybe the one that got away is actually you.  You might have seen me leading up to this conclusion?

What to do? Nothing.  I’ve had several periods like like this, and the only balm is time.  Like a period of grief.  What if that doesn’t work?

It might take more balm, more time…and…the future unknown.  And yet, the future still being unknown, you might end up living in that construct for who knows how long?

I still live in my own constructs or a couple now.  Maybe not all the time but the women’s voices and laughter, and intimacy of course always come back to me.

And sometimes it almost haunts me.  I don’t want them to be anything that got away then.  I just want to hang on and be grateful for the time we had together.

That makes them ones that didn’t get away.  Even me too?

Written while listening to “Sweetest Perfection” by Depeche Mode.  Appropriately?

First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.

Okay.  First off, I don’t think I’m really a bitch.  Readers? Speak up and let me know.  It’s alright.  In fact, it would be great if you told me I was a bitch (or not.)  It would help me with “My Issues.”

Alright, the ditching.  In my regular pub.  Know the older guy, D. Met this (Gorge!) girl/woman/whatever-ageism-can-go-to-hell. She apparently is the Granddaughter of…

Oh, yeah.  I’m like, beyond pissed so I’m blasting Skinny Puppy so loud, I’m sure the entire floor can hear it.  Sucks to be you when I’m beyond pissed and I blast music when I can’t get an outlet.

I’m even too angry to masturbate to get a release.  But if I had a partner, I’d fuck her like Armageddon was only five minutes away. I don’t have a partner though.  So right now, that means music that will make your ears bleed at huge volumes (or even more quiet volumes?) is the only choice I have.

Anyway, “Gorge” is the Granddaughter of this lovely, old guy.  A Scot through and through and salty to the bone.   We’ve had some good chats.

Well, maybe I should have a chat with him about his goddamn, fucking Granddaughter who ditched me tonight! Okay, the old man too, but I know him.  I can give him the tiniest bitch slap that will land him crawling on the floor, begging first for my forgiveness, then to somehow, some way make him vertical again.

So we’re drinking and talking and I see this other guy I know plop A GINORMOUS-A-RAMA bag of pot in her lap, with all the accessories included: scissors, papers…and how many bags of dope? I mean, I don’t know street value, but when she opened one of them? WHAM!

Just one sniff and I was nearly thrown across the entire pub! I knew I had to get this (really good) shit out of the pub or at least hidden on her–Granddaughter or not! I was still staring at all the bags thinking I could get busted just sitting with her.


Seriously.  For someone who smokes dope (and apparently a lot unless marketed?)


It’s been a lllooonnnggg time folks and NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, NEVERRRRRRR IN PUBLIC!!!

Hello, PA.  Not only are you banned from the pub, but you are charged with Possession and also Possession With Intent To Sell.  I think I was “Gorge Blind” because I can’t even believe I did this. But I knew she wanted to toke really…like NOW REALLY!

I grab a MASSIVE BUD and put it on a piece of paper I had on the table.  I was ripping and tearing (like I said folks, a long time, no MJ since my 20s.)  I roll like shit but I figured I managed to get enough for a cigarette size that she wanted.  The MASSIVE BUD still looked just as MASSIVE!

I eventually had to run into the bathroom because I felt like I was looking too obvious.  So I rolled up what I had done still with the MASSIVE BUD and kept it tight on both ends–like I’d rolled a joint! I told her to run into the bathroom NOW! I had to take her hands and put them on both ends like mine were so as not to lose anything!

Alrighty.  That’s up to the Bitchin’ Ditchin’

They suggested going somewhere else and I was keen.  I was just concerned about getting home.  Walking with them would have been fine but alone? She said she can make sure I’d get home safely.  Call a cab, whatever.  Cool.

I said to them that I just had to go to the bathroom and then I’d be done.  They said, “Okay.”  I also had to settle up my tab.

I went outside and…  Gone.  The guy working there said that they had gone to where “WE” were supposed to go.

For some reason (like they’d come back?) I just stood outside the place, had a cigarette and walked around a bit.  Of course they never came back!

UNLESS: Between all of the substances in everyone there was a misunderstanding.  I “knew where it was?” And I did.  Because when I finished in the bathroom and paid my tab, the table where we were all sitting was quite different.  The old guy D. wouldn’t touch my stuff, but “Gorge” would have after all of our talking for hours and not to discriminate, I have to pull the Gender Card.

Some of the things I had on the table were now in my rucksack but the most amazing thing was my cane.  It wasn’t beside my bag as per norm.  My cane was sitting on the table.  Almost in an…”…okay…come on then!” sense.

Christmas Party there tomorrow.  They’ll both be there.  I haven’t decided about going or not now.  Drop off my “Secret Santa” and then just fuck it off.  Or, walk in, dressed up, somehow, kickass.

And Kick Some Ass.

I am a HUGE believer in Free Speech.  I think all of you readers should know that by now.

However, I refuse to (unless I just can’t help it when extremely ranty?) write things that are snarky and uncalled for, regarding someone in my personal life.

I know.  Can it, or is it a fine line?

Thus, every piece of “Dirty Laundry” is not being washed and dried, it’s been thrown into the trash.  Moreover, every Post that was related to said “Dirty Laundry” has been deleted, lest one.  A reference was was changed because I wanted to keep the Post up.

That is the most deleting I have EVER done on my Blog–that has somehow survived nine bloody years! Don’t ask me how that’s happened!

But I had to do it and I did.

Yes, changes.  Many.

Something in my Non-PA life didn’t work out.  Very sad.  Time to grieve.  Again with so many other things, so many other times in my life.

My Addiction for alcohol has done a total 180 degrees! I’d been away for a long time from the Group Sessions. That was due to yet another hospitalization from Pneumonia.

That was the fourth time back to Isolation.  Fevers so high, I could die! Fun stuff.

Although this fourth time, I was admitted to Respiratory Department.  But after discharge, Sweetie GP said there was nothing we could do was bedrest (again!) until I felt better.  That was about a month.

So a long time away from the Addition Program! Now things have changed and not to my liking.

No more Group.  As in you, or people, get together and talk.  I’ve always hated those things but surprisingly, this time I liked it.  Great.

After spending enough time there, the next step was to have your doctor fill out a very large form.  That was to begin the Inpatient Program in hospital.  Some people do it Outpatient but Sweetie GP and I know I must go Inpatient.

I must start this now if the Group Sessions aren’t happening anymore.  God, one of the questions on the form is if I can stay sober for a week.  I can’t.  If I can’t, I get tossed into Detox first.

And how fucked up is this? They say they will taper you off benzos.  Excuse me.  Benzos are “generally” used in Detox to calm your freakin’ ass down?

Unless maybe you’re addicted to benzos.  That would make sense for a taper.

Well, there’s a huge FUCK YOU CAVEAT for me.  I’ll push it to the limit everywhere if I have to.  They can’t take away and of your medically prescribed drugs.  I take Valium!

prn, mind you but if I need it, I need it.  I’ve Detoxed at home and I get so screwy, I forget to take it when it calms me down.  I also need it for insomnia.

I seem to have gotten a little riled up here.  Don’t you think? There’s more I can say that are maybe positive.  Maybe?

CODA: I saw my Therapist today and have never been so Aspie spazzy EVER. Foetal ball in waiting room uncontrollably bawling, lying on the kid’s bed holding a Teddy Bear crying for the appointment.  Then stimming like a volcano on Accessible Transit on the way home.

I’ll just have to wait and see for now.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Two Words

A few more.






Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?