Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category


I lost my long Introductory Post for this Category. It was scrawled down in a notebook and now seems gone for good. This also tends to happen with a lot of my other writing, but in most of those cases it’s a good thing.

There is one thing I do remember. Artichokes are your best friends!

Put them in everything! Yummy.

Okay, I cheat. I don’t put them in everything. I’ll just eat them while I’m cooking. You can follow that rule too.

Yummy.


Someone enjoyed the last song I put up. Awesome! And thank you.

More awesome, is I used to stream my own music. MP3 Of The Moment.

However, I required someone who had a Server. ftp up the files as WP wouldn’t let you actually upload your own files.

At least not in the way I wanted to for everyone. I enjoyed adding comments and quips below the link.

Well I’ve been gone so long, this is new! Toss up a fucking TouYube? That might help a lot with my own music choices!

I just might have to warn people that it’s all about the music, the song. Not the ridiculous, or even visually horrific images where I am guilty of assault.

I’m free and clear with this one though! At least as far as this one is concerned; song and images.

I desperately want Tukker’s jacket as well.

https://youtu.be/cYeFSbKOTOg


I haven’t used my Stereo in a long time. It’s a BOSE Wave III. If you have one, you might know where I’m headed.

I won’t get technical, but the sound doesn’t head in all directions. Efficient sound. Better quality. Much.

So the best song I have to actually test that theory, is this one:

“Dance Yrself Clean” by LCD Soundsystem.

Have a listen. The BOSE does things. To everyone’s ears.


Yes. I’m creating a new style.

It will surely catch on quickly, for those walking around with permanent, dark clouds over their heads. Just like me.

The rest of you “sunny folks” might not take to it so much. But if you do, you might have to work a bit harder to end up on the runway. I’m already designing my first line.

To those who want to audition, email me with your Headshots, completely showing your Dark Clouds. No Agents are required. Neither are your body sizes.

Although, your tastes in music I feel are a requirement. Please state them, and send CD’s, .mp3’s, whatever, with your favourite songs. That would be very helpful.

I am a Fashionista, so keep that in mind. That will never change. No matter how much I may wish to throw myself off a Condominium with 50 Floors. Or, anything else like that.

Which would hurt.

GRIEVOUSLY.

Now, everyone interested in modelling, please carefully consider my Philosophy:

“It looks like shite, but it would cost hundreds of dollars.”

I’m quite serious about this. I will put something together, all Dark-Cloudy-Headed, and people will think I’m a total freak of nature (which I am but that’s irrelevant.)

I’ll casually stroll past the most expensive stores in the city. Soon I’ll hear the sounds. Once again. At least now, no longer deafening.

Multiple Ambulances, the Police, the Firemen and Women. All because of so many turned necks, heads and bodies that have been shot back to me.

My “Trashy Attire” WAS worth hundreds of dollars. And unfortunately a lot of hospital beds. But for looking better than the rest? Is it really your fault?

I don’t bother sticking around for the Media. That would be extremely poor taste.

So let me know what you think.

I was just thinking too. Maybe Neganovelty wouldn’t be such a “Novelty” after all. Just like in Fashion, you can NEVER go wrong with black.

There are a lot of people out there that don’t have only permanent dark clouds over their heads. They have ones that are permanently BLACK.

Maybe mine is too. I do look striking in black. And every woman has “The Perfect Little Black Dress” in her closet.


I think that says it all.  

Although, we could add “Reader’s Cement Truck Pouring Block.”  That seems quite reasonable.

But what’s even worse; even more pathetic and frustrating, is that I could “cheat” (or actually beat) my loss of creativity. How? This is where it really hurts.

I could write Posts about some things I’ve done in the past.  These things that allow for very simple continuation.  Or, they would just simple on their own.

I’ve even written things down! Kind of.  So, does that mean I’m only some per centage of getting sucked into the Cement…sand? Uhhh… I just lost my truck of thought…

Goodgurbleuhyy…


Am I going to show up on Twitter using WP now? Now? Now? Now? Immediately after I finish typing? Now? Now? N…

After being Referee at the longest, most painful Technological Boxing Match, ever? 

Now? Now? Now? 

Painful, due to them both pummeling the hell out of the Referee. That was me, remember?

Here we go, you shitbag apps.


Quite easily, appently.  As of November, this stupid, damn, insane Blog has managed to exist for 10 stupid, damn, insane years. o_O

I have no idea what to say about that.  Well, I suppose I could shout out strings of profanity that make no sense.  However, that doesn’t feel so celebratory.  You would just find a lot of it here.

Right now, it’s like my Blog isn’t even here.  Or it’s made of lace.  Or who knows what?

Maybe it’s some kind of dormant monster that’s been waiting to sink its teeth into me.  The last thing I’ll see, is the Grim Reaper leaning against my doorway, enjoying a Cuban.

Cigar, that is.

Stranger things could happen.  Like me in the Blogosphere for 10 years.


I think I’ve used that before.  When things have gone sideways, pear shaped, become frozen, completely imploded, people have been stalking me, I’ve been stalking me and many other things.

Here’s a new one.  I’m now visually impaired to some degree, so forget using my Mac.  Even tiny mobile screens can become brutal. 

“Visually Impaired?” you ask.

Modus diagnosis operandi is Continual Migraines.  Shrapnel in my brain, from being admitted to hospital for a Stroke.  That was a year ago.  Except it wasn’t a Stroke.  It just sure as hell looked like one!

So it was probably a TIA then.  They can present almost exactly the same way.  The primary distinction is no damage or insults to the brain, whereas a Stroke generally shows something when you look at any/all parts of it.

Plus YOU can show a lot after a Stroke.

Well, my brain’s been insulted a lot.  By seizures, falls, people telling me I’m stupid, and yes, prior migraines.  However, this is a different braingame.  Too much.

Migraines can mimic Strokes and TIA’s so I probably didn’t have one of those either.  It was “The Migraine Heard Around the World.”

I’m not kidding.  I’ve been through a lot of funky medical experiences but this? It was beyond belief.  Surreal.  My head really did explode.  Okay, it didn’t but at the time…you get it.  And my eyes.  Psychedelic and black vision.

Try to imagine that.

Now, blurry, photophobia, pain cognitive impairment.  So, sunglasses, don’t push using my eyes, dimenhydrinate, new med (Beta-blocker Propranolol) and cane. 

Now back to my Blog after that fun stuff.

This whole Blog has turned to shit.  I honestly think this is the lowest of the low.  It’s never been as bad as this.

I don’t have the imagination to imagine conjuring a beginning to begin fixing it.  Much less time.  The first thing would be my Blogroll. 

How many old and dead Blogs are lined up there like ratty, teenage socks, hanging out to dry but they’ll always reek? No doubt more than I already know.

Then, replacements.  I’ve met so many great people with amazing Blogs out there.  However, due to “Technical Errors” (i.e. I’m a fucking idiot) I never filed them along with my others.

“Look and Feel?” Oh, bloody hell.  Just the thought of it makes me feel nauseous.  And since I’m sick I’m already nauseous!

The plopping of my current template into (better said ONTO) another template can make you want to heave, simply by looking at it.  Run away horrified too.

Eventually. Hopefully.

I haven’t shut everything thing down after so many easy (and difficult) situations.  That must mean something.  Perhaps the fact, that it’s actually not the lowest of low after all.

Yet?


Are they still called that or can we just put a blanket name of “Snobby Pretentious Useless Fucktards” over them?

I’m in my old stomping grounds.  Old friend and I had lunch and hang time until got my hair done.  After, I popped into the coolest pub I’ve ever seen in the city.  Not that I’ve seen them all, but this is cool without trying to be.  And for other reasons.

Sure it’s a pub but families come here ALL THE TIME.  Reference to time? There’s a five-year-old here, well past bedtime, but he’s surrounded by lots of responsible family members.

Call some kind of Family Services Agency? I say no.  If anything happened, every single person would be right on it to help. 

But that’s a little heavy duty and strays from this Establishment’s Coolness.  And the baby blanket people I hate.  Misplaced Gentrification as well, but let’s not bother with that now.

This place has managed to combine pieces of historical politics, art, pop culture and more all over the place.  It’s a crazy amalgam, but totally awesome MUSEUM. 

It’s like a puzzle when you first look at it.  Totally overwhelming.  But give yourself and your eyes a chance to relax and you’ll be amazed.  Everything will fit.

Or it won’t.  But it will somehow.  Just look.  That’s art.

Music? Some Live Bands.  Otherwise, great music that will be up tempo, down tempo, reggae, more that will just make you feel relaxed and… HAPPY!

So I’m outside having a cigarette and I see this couple, could they be more bewildered, asking, “What is thi…do they serve foo…”

I replied, “It’s a really awesome pub.  Go in.  And they serve foo…”

They turned their heads and marched away before I could show them the menu on the window.

Good thing they walked away.  They should have been turned away.


I’m exhausted.  Both my head and my body need a serious break. 

Two new drugs.  Side effects.  One of the two pulled for several reasons.  The last drug to treat the problems.  The problems are still there.  The drug is new so who knows what will happen.  You’ve just started the drug, so you need more time to see if it works, and the side effects go away.

I DEFINITELY needed a break the day my uterine biopsies were done. My OB/GYN did them last week. 

Although, before I continue, this Post might be a bit much for the squeamish.  So consider yourself WARNED.

It was the second most painful procedure I’ve gone through in my entire life.  The first being the insertion of a urinary catheter while just lying on an examining table.  The Doctor put it in faster than completing the sentence:

“Okay, this is going to hurt a bit.”

I screamed at such massive decibels.  I still wonder to this day if I didn’t scare the hell out of all the other women in the waiting room.  Or perhaps, only dogs could hear me. 

I don’t remember if any women were in the waiting room.  I was like 18 tornados trying to find the exit doors when everything was done.  This was for ongoing UTI’s.

I have no clue what my OB/GYN was doing for her biopsies.  However, I can say she’s thorough? Holy shit.  Or holy blood?

I have a new Fibroid, the lining of my uterus is fuller, thicker etc.  Basically, a lot more blood and tissue for an egg to implant, but not good as my Fibroids are taking up space there too.

The biopsies, though? They’ll be benign.  THEY.

I could “feel” her almost slicing me up all over the place!!! Not like a simple “Punch Biopsy.”  Those are like a small poke.  You feel like you’ve just been vaccinated with a large needle.

After we were done, she told me quickly, “Move up the table.  Move up the table.  I don’t want to get any blood floor.” 

Like I said, she must be…thorough?

She told me to relax, take my time, I did a great job (she said that as we were doing it, I could take a break.)  It took me so long to actually move, then clean up, then try to get dressed…they actually sent a nurse to check on me.

BWAH-HAH-HAH!!!!!!!!

Ah, I love Medicine! I wonder what my hysterectomy will be like?

My OB/GYN is lovely though.  Only two things to note for the anaesthetist:

1. Not to be picky, but if you’re thinking about Propofol? It makes me sick.  Midazolam, please? 
Granted, those were only for less invasive things I’ve had done.  Still, no Propofol in your Alchemy.

2. DO NOT forget I’m on Propranolol.  I’d like to wake up after surgery.