Archive for the ‘MP3 of the Moment’ Category
Random Fun, Everyone!
Does that mean I have to go first? ‘Geez, doesn’t this suck? We all have 1,000,000,000,000 “Favourite Songs.”
Okay. *pops over to iTunes* Oooh! I have to remember the “why” part. Yes. Which reminds me, MP3 Of The Moment is still “DEAD.” I can’t play my song.
However, it may be only temporarily DEAD. baby MacBook is dying on its own. Resurrection of MP3 Of The Moment then??? All fixed with baby MacBook v.3.0?
Mine? “Find The River” by R.E.M
I have played this song so many times, I’m surprised the CD it’s on (“Automatic For the People”) still works!
Me. Depressed. I’m never going to get where the hell I need to go. Also, any song that has the word “Vetiver” in it? C’mon!
Not much of a vacation folks. *shakes head*
For anyone with PTSD, have you ever gotten hit with some really, unbelievable news from your past, and you initially thought it was amazing? Then, WHAM! A short time later, you’re now crushed under a dump truck, drowning you in the letters “P” “T” “S” “D” “F” “B” (for those unaware, F and B are for Flashbacks.)
I guess we could add loads more “D’s” for Dissociation, some “C’s” for crying. Oh, to hell with it! Drown us all in the entire alphabet. We’ll be too far gone to know what letter we’re holding anyway!
Well, here I’ve been for several days now. I’m fairly sure it’s even worse with my Dissociative Amnesia. I can’t remember diddly from my childhood, teen years, even early adult ones…longer?
I recently found out a goldmine (and it is!) of information about bio-dad. It’s too much to get into at the moment. I think there may be more I can find from my mother. I was given what I have now from her.
But yeah. After a couple of days, boy did I crash!
I don’t know how I feel today. I slept late. I’m becoming quite the lucid dreamer. That’s one reason. The other is rest. Another is that I don’t want to face the world, with the sun smirking down at me, wearing a know-it-all expression on its face.
It’s also a round ball. That means you can see its face everywhere. That certainly doesn’t help either, does it?
I am doing only one thing today (which I’d better do now or I won’t make it–than I’ll be MAD for finally trying to do it!!!)
I have to walk just a couple of blocks to get bloods and an X-ray done for Gastro Man. I hope they can get back to him fast! My appt. with him is on the 5th. “PFH” (aka Pneumonia From Hell) meant my blood was too toxic. Pretty much so with two hospitalizations about it.
Anyway, MP3 of the Moment is in trouble. I need to find another way to ftp tunes up. Server Boy no longer providing server. I’ll go back to doing it old school.
POSTSCRIPT: I certainly don’t need to dredge up my evil small town where this ties into this as well. I have had some dreams. There’s more “dredging” though, isn’t there. Always.
Well, folks. Where to begin? I’ll save the best for last!
I have already expressed my concerns about the possibility of having cancer. I will emphasize “possibility.” There could be other things, and hell! I could end up with another “who knows what the good, goddamn thing’s about!”
I received a call from my mother who said verbatim: “I trust you and your knowledge more than the doctors.” My mother does not read my blog! So, I guess she has now reached the conclusion that I am Dr. PA. Or Dr. <insert real name.>
Regardless, her husband has prostate cancer and suddenly, took a turn for…? I was astonished at the variety of signs and symptoms she was telling me. I dared not say a thing about certain organs affected and other areas of physiognomy. The biggest being neurological problems!
Not to sound callous, but if he dies, fine. My more immediate concern is where on earth will my mother go? They have no money. Finally, due to their stressors regarding his cancer, I am not saying a word about my own personal concerns of having esophageal cancer.
My sister. I don’t care if she thinks she has the hugest case of peri-menopause ever seen by medical specialists the world ’round. My insane mother is now acting more sane than my non-insane sister.
To cut to the chase and try not to keep this post 1,000,000 words long (which it could very well be anyway!) I called her and told her of my medical concerns as I wish her to be my Executrix and handle all Directives etc. She’s known this forever, but now a bit of advance notice? Just in case something does turn up?
I may have hit a nerve, but let’s be real. She began pitying me for my constant health problems but she just “let’s things go now…” Excuse me? The last time I checked, being remotely peri-menopausal does not make you lose your senses of sympathy or empathy. There was an accusation about a funny (tried to be!) message I left on their home VM. She said she thought I was drunk so just ignored it. What the bloody, huh?
I tried to repeat what I was saying and then she just started screaming at me, “NO! NO! NO!” Time to end the call. Which I politely and maturely did. Then, I immediately sent off an email to clear some things up and also say we never even got a chance to talk about the GOOD stuff in my life! We don’t communicate often and most certainly not as often as we used to in the past.
Number Four. Non-Arsey Neuro will not increase my Clobazam past my current 100mg. I have told him I have steadily been making progress. However, I’m still sick, going mental and having seizures when the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus intervals hit. I broke down crying and freaking and yelling at him as he said I’ll be fine on this amount. I’ll get better.
I’ve been on it since February. Now, I am being referred to a large, and highly regarded neuroscience centre here at one of our hospitals. Fine. I’ll do anything they want! Nonetheless, I am now pondering the fact that I may have intractable epilepsy.
Ohhhh, the kicker!!! Kick indeed. As in, “KICK YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!!!” Part of me still can’t believe it. I keep picking up my mobile and looking for a flashing light. Oh, is that you? I must have been away from my mobile. It’s not done in an obsessive way. Not at all! It’s done out of habit. Because we talked to each other (even just via txt) every day.
P. My friend P. who I’ve known for five years…with never any blowouts, blowups (unless slight but then an immediate apology–usually words said out of care that went awry.) P. has given me a massive “FUCK YOU!!!”
Via text. It was so violent and malicious in its wording! He was accusing me of things I had never, ever done! I jumped right back on it and I guess you can probably imagine what I said! And that I loved him! He knew that too! Nothing. It gets “better” though.
I later heard that he was talking to his therapist for a while about doing this.
I went positively mad. Completely out of my head. Two days of non-stop PTSD dissociation. I’ve experienced a few hours and one full day before, but that prior full day was NOTHING compared to this!!!
It was so bad, when I went to see my therapist and she called my name, I just sat there staring at nothing. Did I hear it? Did I hear some of it? Did it just not register? She said it again a bit louder. I turned my head slowly in her general direction but I wasn’t looking at anything. I couldn’t make any eye contact through our session, until I finally left and slowly again, lifted my head in her head’s direction. I saw her face for about two seconds and she was smiling at me.
P. I just don’t get it! If he would only sit down and maturely discuss things! EXPLAIN things!!! Tell me what’s going on!!! God, I’d be MORE than happy to do that!
Which may seem counterintuitive to my choices for the MP3 Series. My feelings have gone from extremely angry to absolute depression to even forgiveness for what he’s done.
“Bitch” by Apoptygma Berzerk
“The Things You Said” by Depeche Mode
“Temperamental” by Everything But The Girl
I’m definitely not up to writing a long, serious, not-even-serious, I-sound-like-I’m-on-LSD-post. However, now that I finally have home Stinkernet, I can stream a new song! Although, I’m so tired, even doing this will be laborious. Even though it’s ridiculously simple.
I’m actually dumping the CD (and song) into iTunes now. I was just listening to it. I thought it was there! I don’t know about the rest of you people, but I’ve noticed after giving a CD another listen after years or something, you’ll say, “Oh, my what? That’s awesome! How come I didn’t like that before?”
Bizarre. Okay, moving on to server ftp… Now I have to bugger with it…names…give it a test drive and there it is! Nope. It broke. Okay, let’s try and rebuild it. Righty-o! Just a server drop, actually.
“Silence (Above & Beyond 21st Century Remix)” by Delerium — Sarah McLachlan Vox. Scream it Sarah!
“A League Of Notions” by Al Stewart
Indeed. Yes. Oui. Whatever.
I’m not entirely sure, but my charming states of Typical Absence Status Epilepticus, may be lasting even longer than they did in the beginning. Before I was ever treated. Before I even figured out that I had it.
Back then, it was 6-7 days. Reviewing my
obsessive diligent note taking, I am now seeing a 9 day pattern. That does not bode well, as it leaves fewer days of any “wellness” in between.
That is because it’s catamenial, if any of you don’t know. That means regarding your menstrual cycle. However, it can also mean when you ovulate. The two make a charming couple, don’t you think?
I’ve written so much about this, my regular readers probably have my cycle for both memorized! Well, don’t worry about me getting pregnant, folks.
One, I’m not having sex. Two, I’m gay and don’t sleep with men.
I’m calling Non-Arsey Neuro tomorrow for an appt. I’ve (finally and painfully) gotten around to enter half of January’s information. I built a hopefully, if not remotely, understandable template. Then, I get out a highlighter for the really serious stuff. We last saw each other in mid-October.
I say “finally and painfully” as I can’t figure out if things have changed somehow else in January. I am extremely exhausted every day. I’m not kidding. To the degree where I can’t even pick up the phone to make a simple call! The word “Decompensation” keeps going around and around in my head. Maybe I’m just tired? We’re moving into the 9th month of this now. It could be both? One thing I do know is that it’s not good.
The psychiatric and psychological? The cognitive? The ongoing seizures? *rolls eyes* It’s a package deal, guys.
So, yes. I can’t remember if I’ve told you anything regarding that or who knows what! I have the memory of a goldfish?
Why do people say that? Have there ever been any peer reviewed studies to test memories of goldfishes? I think not! One practical problem, however. Who the hell could make a whack of electrodes that small!
Anyway, I may sound somewhat “Compos Mentis” but Aspie Penguin is putting most of this together. If I had more energy, I’d be so spazzy, that I would be Non Non Non Compos Compos Compos Mentis Mentis Mentis!!!
So I streamed a song on MP3 of the Moment. I was going to try to do more here, get to Twitter business, but whoa…I’m sorry kids.
“Super Cool Wagon” by Sons Of Freedom
I had a chance to talk to Server Boy and we managed to sort out the problem. At lest well enough, as things are now running. One outstanding issue, but I’ll see what he says. Still, it’s not impacting function as it was before.
So, if it’s working for me, it should be for you. The ftp LIED!!!
“Fallen Angel” by Alphaville
Yes, this is a really dumb choice while you guys are “waiting.”
“In The Waiting Line” by Zero 7
Also, it may be broken as I can’t play it. But the link seems in tact.