Archive for the ‘Neat Neuro Stuff’ Category
I was Tweeting that this would be the FINAL TIME. Yes. THE LAST TIME I would get sober. As they say, “You can’t trust an addict?”
Well, I don’t like that phrase so much. Just because you have an addiction doesn’t mean you can’t be trusted AT ALL. That is sublimely ridiculous as sublimely you feel when on the high of your addiction of choice. Maybe you can only be “untrusted” in certain ways and ONLY at certain times.
/rant (I know, that’s totally not even used anymore.)
Alright. Some my grand idea was to post every day (if I can) what I’m going through with my Detox and Withdrawal. Dr. PA has done this how many times?
But kids? Don’t try this at home. Go to a proper Detox Facility. It’s sounds hypocritical I know, but Dr. PA (even thought she is not a real doctor!) can do it safely and properly.
Tonight: I just quit drinking and not even to my normal level of alcohol intake. I’m madly drunk. It was half my intake. I have smoking like a fiend. A total chain smoker. My “normal” smoking habits were NEVER like that! I had one cigarette left.
That sets the scene.
I’m exhausted. I just about crashed out despite spinny head when I lied down and put my head on a pillow. Wha?
Detox and Withdrawal makes you EXTREMELY tired. One time I almost slept for 24 hours. And yet, it can also give you KILLER INSOMNIA!!! One night I took my sleep meds, watched TV and then the Sunrise. It was lovely. I hadn’t seen the Sun poke up in its pretty colours in YEARS!
Right now I feel like I want to BARF. Yeah. Mega-Nausea. Mega-DIARRHEA and/or Mega-CONSTIPATION too! Who knows? And none of it makes any sense because well…food intake can be TOTALLY DISGUSTING just at the thought of it, or you can feel completely RAVENOUS and want to eat your entire LIVING SPACE!!!
I certainly don’t want to eat right now. Well, maybe? Oh, NO WAY! NO FOOD.
KILLER HEADACHES! I have one and no ibuprophen! Tough it out!
Am I PARANOID yet? I don’t know what Paranoia feels like. But sometimes I feel kind of weird or weirded out. Hard to explain. I’ll try to do that later. Sometimes my kitchen looks…”odd?” It looks weird now.
DTs. Paranoia goes with that, but I do with this Non-Arsey Neuro. Very basic test. Sit comfortably and stretch arms out. Shaky? Unbalanced? Let’s check. Oh, I am SO unbalanced! My hands look like two birds flying in the air!
Okay. I think I need to rest. That’s some past stuff and current, as in right now. Hey, I always blog when in hospital so this is just a hospital for one!
HEADACHE TO BAD TO PROOFREAD: PHOTOPHOBIA!!!
Oh yes! Emotions! OMFG. When I came home, I had an Asperger’s Mini-Meltdown. Yay.
I AM SERIOUS! SHOULD I WRITE EVERYTHING IN UPPER CAPS?
No, really. I mentioned in my last Post, blah, blah, blah…the changes to the Addiction Program and the final step of three weeks staying Inpatient in Happy Hospital. If I could get on the Happy Hospital Bus right now, I’d jump as high as could to get on it!
Of course I was drinking before break up business tonight. That’s a given. For a lot of people. Break ups stink so lots of people drink! So no brainer with me being an alcoholic.
Now I’m “experimenting” with what would happen, and how might Extended Release ADD Meds would work as Coke. Or a Party Drug or whatever. That would be more like an Immediate Release type of ADD Med.
Holy shit. Am I really giving advice on how to get high from your script meds? Pardon the irresponsible addict who really doesn’t give a shit right now.
PSA: Kids and adults, don’t do this at home or in a cab or at a rave or in a public library or while painting your apartment or while shopping for a car or shopping period. Don’t do it if you’re a woman when you get your period.
I could continue for years but the only place that’s okay to do it, is on the street.
MoFoHoPro on that street, I need
want need want need…yeah, you get it. A DRINK!!!
So back to the ADD/Coke “experiment.” Easy for me as I take Biphentin. It’s a capsule with tiny little balls in it. Swallow? Snort?
Joke’s on you!!! I HAVE ADD!!! I can’t get all whacked out on stims and Coke or whatever! I’m already on stims. If ingest Coke or any stimulants (like more ADD meds?) the only thing that happens is my mind becomes a bit sharper, and I can focus more while everybody else is getting whooped to the ceiling fan.
So AD(H)D Kids and Adults? Don’t bother trying. Unless your AD(H)D brain actually gets off on the stuff. Use as you choose–however, at your very dangerous peril.
DON’T FUCK WITH YER MEDS!!!
Okay, fuck this bullshit. Short Post NOW. I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it. The WP app. online ate it. Bite me technology.
My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!
What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging. This probably IS therapeutic in some way. I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment. I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…
Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid. The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier. However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision. It was about me.
Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well. I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.
If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you. Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me. No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe. I promise.
So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though. You’re dealing with a very sick PA. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now. The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment. I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.
Be Forewarned. Seriously. I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online. Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow. You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.
Speaking of circling those rings, this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well. My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time. My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.
I’m not joking. It did feel like that!!! o_O I also don’t get Panic Attacks. Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?
Okay. Gravol, Valium, Bed. Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow. Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads. She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.
And cuddle up with my Bedbugs. They make me look like I have hives. Yay for that too.
I have been wanting these forever. They would have cost me hundreds of dollars. They just kept being put on the back burner because my body kept falling apart. These “things” and what I hoped they would reveal, related to almost 100 years ago. Long before my body started
decided started to fall apart. That’s the loss of the Clobazam story.
I was “just fine” that 100 years ago… Letting all that frustration out with a 2L bottle of Red Wine, a lot of bottles of pills full and shiny and new. Pick what you’d like but you’re too tired so you just grab the ones that are close enough.
The ANSWER!!! No money! Doctors don’t have to pay a penny to get a patient’s records transferred from anywhere! All I had to do was scrawl my signature on a Release Form. And so I did.
From the above, it’s pretty obvious I attempted suicide. I even landed in the ICU for a few days. I also developed a MASSIVE TBI. I also developed SEVERE ANTEROGRADE AND RETROGRADE AMNESIA. Although I don’t think that’s so much to do with the MASSIVE TBI. I think it’s more to do with the MASSIVE OVERDOSE OF MY MEDS.
Today I picked up what they sent from Sweetie GPs Office. She wasn’t in but it didn’t matter. I just got them to make me copies. However, it might matter now. There might be enough holes in all the paperwork as in my head surrounding it.
I’ve been staring at the pages forever, and now I’ve had a chance to do some preliminary research on what the hell I did to myself. Not to mention a few of the cascading events that took me (further) into a downward spiral?
I haven’t had time to go over all of my labs. A lot more complicated, but there were even levels of a drug in me that I wasn’t taking anymore! That’s just one insane thing! I don’t even know if I should go on! It’s the Depakene I quit. I quit it a long time ago, until I decided to leave this shitty-assed, fuck me over any way you want to, I don’t care world.
At least that’s how I saw it at the time.
I was found outside in the winter with no coat and my body temperature was 33.8 degrees Celsius. I figured out days later how I fell (seizure) due to clothes and injury on hands and it was a tonic-clonic (TBI.) Presumably a Complex-partial first because what the hell was I doing wandering around without my coat in the freezing snow?
Found totally unresponsive. I must have been breathing though (at the hospital.) I could have already been a coma when the Paramedics picked me up but still breathing. However, in the ER, it said I had a Complex partial and a tonic clonic when admitted. I’m confused but I’m unconscious for both anyway?
So, I guess then I took an absolute nosedive? Sorry, bad pun for a TBI… Immediate 7.5 Endotrachial Tube and BANG! Straight to the ICU and get a machine to breathe for me.
If you know the Glasgow Coma Scale (sorry, too tired to give you a link) I was already a 3 IN the ER! That’s why I’m kinda thinking I was already in a coma when they picked me up. Or I was pretty damn close to losing it–because I lost it in the ER.
I’ll just add this in before I “go.” I couldn’t believe it when I read it. I was SO FUCKED UP they had to call the Poison Control Centre for a consultation. An actual medical consultation. Not a rinse your eyes, drink milk and go to the ER consultation. A bloody Hospital calling Poison Control.
Oh, and my heart got really messed up too. It required extremely, vigilant monitoring in case it stopped.
Kids, don’t do this at home.
It’s not a pleasant thing to go through. Even now that I’ve gotten these records to “help” me? They’ve only increased my memory loss and made me MORE confused.
Harvard went to see Non-Arsey Neuro a while ago. The appointment was a real rush job.
Not so much because of Harvard’s head, but a form for the stoopid guvmunt that needed completion–then mailing ASAP. He was the only doctor available on short notice. Nonetheless, we still talked about Harvard’s head.
After so damn long, Harvard has been working on the huge med changes, adjusting here, fiddling there. She only contacted Non-Arsey Neuro if she needed him for any serious challenges. Which were perhaps a few? Then, just pick up a phone to chat, or leave a message stating what was she’d done.
At that appointment, Harvard reviewed all her current changes. Most particularly, her divided dose in the afternoon where she had made no further changes. She was merely sitting at that dose, awaiting any possible issues. The med changes have been so high, a divided dose was definitely required.
Non-Arsey Neuro wrote a new prescription (including that divided dose) for one month. One month. Our typical two Neurologists meeting to discuss a “case.” Harvard was doing a “wait and see.” Non-Arsey could have been asleep and written it on behalf of what Harvard said.
Oh, Harvard! You have waited too long! Change that one month order! Not that it matters. She has million pills of everything lying around from making so many changes.
One of the reasons for the astronomical increases of Harvard’s Topamax and Lamictal, was to try and squash the mood changes (that were beyond astronomical compared to the increases of the meds.) Slowly, slowly, slowly…working! But still a long way to go.
A lightening bolt of terms of working? No more seizures at all after a month–and no more since! Almost six months now!
But the moods. And Harvard now being in total shit.
Things were okay. Or so Harvard thought. Or really, the most plausible answer is that the dose chosen worked fine for a while, but then BOOM!!! It took time for things to catch up. Moreover, a slow graduation to the BOOM!!! is in our own minds. It’s like things build and build until they become a volcano.
That’s what happened to Harvard yesterday. She was being a little too productive? And a few days before?
Last night. BOOM!!! The “Revelation!” Harvard was Manic, somewhere between Jupiter and Saturn! Then she crashed after shutting down her computer and fell into a Mixed State. Then a Dysphoric Mania. Her Valium didn’t even hit a single neuron.
Harvard goes to bed, thinking it’s an isolated incident that was really bad. Everything will be fine tomorrow. Harvard wakes up like she’s taken an overdose of her ADD meds, plus an overdose of who knows what else! Wide opened eyelids and speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy!!!!
Harvard was going to wait but apparently this isn’t going to stop. She’s been here before. When this happens, the absolutely worst thing she can do is “wait!”
She’s cycling like crazy, but has meds at her disposal that can try and stop it! If not, she can clearly get herself into all sorts of trouble! And that she has! Plus, she’s just stopped drinking! Let’s destroy THAT plan!!!
She’s also going to titrate of course. Harvard’s not stupid. That’s why Non-Arsey Neuro gave her full control to tackle this from Day One. He’s not available now. She’ll call him later.
POSTSCRIPT: Harvard’s already feeling like getting into trouble. Going out in bad weather on her own to mail some gifts to people. One is REALLY heavy and then going on a SHOPPING SPREE!!! Well, there’s always online shopping.
You see? When this happens? She can get in lots of trouble in LOTS of different ways. And online shopping is nothing compared to some of the things she’s done in the past!
Now, she knows exactly what she wants to buy online. It’s something she’s been lusting after for SO long! A book. A big one or something decent. Containing loads and loads of the person’s work. Her Idol!!! Lee Miller!!!
Non-Manic Statement: Harvard thinks she has a bit of Lee in her. If another photographer looked at some of her shots and agreed? She’d drop to the floor in a second. Especially with the titles she’s given them. That combination was very typical of Lee. What she shot, the twists she turned around with them, and played with them–and definitely her choice of titles.
Someone said that to me several years ago. After being involved (so closely) for those several years. Ouch. Boy. Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.
I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep… Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us. Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.
It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less. I took a serious personal inventory of my life. How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life. Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love. It became so confusing to said person above.
Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably. I’m pretty sure, definitely.
Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.
When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships. Of any kind. Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.
Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.) Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.
You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?
Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.
AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!
Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell. But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back. I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.
Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process. Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.
Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS. She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!”
Alrighty, then. I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.” So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here. I know all about you. If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing. We’re all here.
I see. Well, I trust the hell out of them. I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!
I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass. There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well. No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?
Then they’re just empty holes as well.
The very last. I’m in serious trouble.
I am a masochist but I can’t keep asking for Domination here anymore. It’s like I’m killing myself from the outside in. I might as well be. Both physically and emotionally but my body is the big one.
Why do I drink? No. Me. Personally.
A minute trigger in some cases; others glaringly obvious make me run to the bar. Doing something really painful, feeling like I’ve done something really painful. Vice versa with someone or any kind of thing else that shoots back to me? Any PTSD trauma problems that appear small in the distance but actually are quite large as I travel along the road. Usually things that are massively due to relationships!
Those of some of the more “negative” reasons. Then there are some of the “positive” ways.
Simply enjoying the feeling of relaxing with a good book and a drink in a bar. Going out and working on baby MacBook or writing–being productive. That one can also come from boredom and cabin fever, but it’s true. I do become more productive. Another one in terms of being productive, is if I do a lot of work around the house? I go to the bar as a reward for all I’ve accomplished.
I could list a lot more of both!
I used to think I was only a “psychological” drinker. My body wasn’t physically addicted–and it wasn’t! I never showed any signs of physical cravings for it. It was always to do with the above. So I spoke to Sweetie GP and my Therapist regarding that fact (and a 20 year out of control self-medication history of drinking.)
That started off as a football kicked across 11 stadiums or 18 pitches. Pick your country and/or game you like best. I enjoy footy far, far more that “football!” I actually do. I swear!
A constant Merry-Go-Round of discussion was the result. Social vs. Abstinence? Try both? Only Abstinence will work? That really was a Merry-Go-Round. None of us had a damn clue what to do with me!
Serious trouble? I had to do something that really hurt me recently. I don’t know if it hurt them. However, I was agonizing about it! I didn’t know how to do it, what to say. I was having continual nightmares about it all. I still had another one about the person last night. So of course you know where I went afterward!
I’m once again D/W. For those that haven’t picked up on other posts relating to, I shortened Detoxing and going through Withdrawal to that.
I think this is the third time in my own little “Hospital For One” I’ve done this. It’s more comfortable here, surrounded by all of my things in my own environment. Uh, yes? Certainly more than the time I spent here.
SERIOUS TROUBLE. With each successive D/T, and it doesn’t matter how little I drink, how long in between I take breaks, I am now in perpetual cycle of having to go through it every time. And much worse, each time the perpetual cycle continues, going through it is MUCH WORSE than the last time.
I am so, so sick. I can’t believe what is happening to me right now. I’m not even going to write about it. I am killing myself from the outside in.
For you other substance users, I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t preach to you based upon this. However, PLEASE try and get clean.
I’m going to have to do everything within my power to stop drinking. Sure. How many times have you heard me say that before? No. I’m SERIOUS this time.
I can’t even believe I managed to seriously put this post together.
I “think” I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday. I’m telling myself that title, “This is a bitch!”
I’m trying not to get all of my fucking diagnoses get the better of me. I’ll blow up and it will be time to say, “Goodbye, PA!” Nothing’s triggering me at the moment so that’s a good thing. I think my brain is more concerned with my Neurochemistry. That is also a good thing!!!
Should anything trigger me, I think I could handle it despite Neurochemistry or anything else. After all, it was several triggers that made me drink so much. So much, to get me into this situation of, VERY, UGLY WITHDRAWAL!!! Even more so, I think I might know more about those triggers–not just things that happened on a “surface level” I suppose you could say.
That gives me even more ammo in case anything threatens to make me fall apart. THAT IS A VERY, VERY GOOD THING!!! I can’t guarantee anything here, but at least feeling like this is hopeful? *shakes head and sighs*
I think food helps. Gee. Really? I had a breakfast, cereal bar earlier. Now I’m going to try and shove at least something else into my mouth (and swallow it.)
I actually HAVE to go grocery shopping today. That will be a huge slice of hell!
I had a friend (he’s dead now.) He ALWAYS used this expression: “If you do the crime; you pay the time.”
Words of wisdom.