Archive for the ‘Neat Neuro Stuff’ Category


Someone said that to me several years ago.  After being involved (so closely) for those several years.  Ouch.  Boy.  Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.

I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep…  Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us.  Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.

It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less.  I took a serious personal inventory of my life.  How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life.  Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love.  It became so confusing to said person above.

No doubt.

Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably.  I’m pretty sure, definitely.

Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.

When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships.  Of any kind.  Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.

Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.)  Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.

You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?

Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.

AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!

Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell.  But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back.  I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.

Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process.  Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.

Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS.  She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!

Alrighty, then.  I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.”  So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here.  I know all about you.  If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing.  We’re all here.

I see.  Well, I trust the hell out of them.  I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!

I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass.  There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well.  No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?

Then they’re just empty holes as well.


The very last.  I’m in serious trouble.

I am a masochist but I can’t keep asking for Domination here anymore.  It’s like I’m killing myself from the outside in.  I might as well be.  Both physically and emotionally but my body is the big one.

Why do I drink? No.  Me.  Personally.

A minute trigger in some cases; others glaringly obvious make me run to the bar.  Doing something really painful, feeling like I’ve done something really painful.  Vice versa with someone or any kind of thing else that shoots back to me? Any PTSD trauma problems that appear small in the distance but actually are quite large as I travel along the road.  Usually things that are massively due to relationships!

Those of some of the more “negative” reasons.  Then there are some of the “positive” ways.

Simply enjoying the feeling of relaxing with a good book and a drink in a bar.  Going out and working on baby MacBook or writing–being productive.  That one can also come from boredom and cabin fever, but it’s true.  I do become more productive. Another one in terms of being productive, is if I do a lot of work around the house? I go to the bar as a reward for all I’ve accomplished.

I could list a lot more of both!

I used to think I was only a “psychological” drinker.  My body wasn’t physically addicted–and it wasn’t! I never showed any signs of physical cravings for it.  It was always to do with the above.  So I spoke to Sweetie GP and my Therapist regarding that fact (and a 20 year out of control self-medication history of drinking.)

That started off as a football kicked across 11 stadiums or 18 pitches.  Pick your country and/or game you like best.  I enjoy footy far, far more that “football!” I actually do.  I swear!

A constant Merry-Go-Round of discussion was the result.  Social vs. Abstinence? Try both? Only Abstinence will work? That really was a Merry-Go-Round.  None of us had a damn clue what to do with me!

Serious trouble? I had to do something that really hurt me recently.  I don’t know if it hurt them.  However, I was agonizing about it! I didn’t know how to do it, what to say.  I was having continual nightmares about it all.  I still had another one about the person last night.  So of course you know where I went afterward!

I’m once again D/W.  For those that haven’t picked up on other posts relating to, I shortened Detoxing and going through Withdrawal to that.

I think this is the third time in my own little “Hospital For One” I’ve done this.  It’s more comfortable here, surrounded by all of my things in my own environment. Uh, yes? Certainly more than the time I spent here.

SERIOUS TROUBLE.  With each successive D/T, and it doesn’t matter how little I drink, how long in between I take breaks, I am now in perpetual cycle of having to go through it every time.  And much worse, each time the perpetual cycle continues, going through it is MUCH WORSE than the last time.

I am so, so sick.  I can’t believe what is happening to me right now.  I’m not even going to write about it.  I am killing myself from the outside in.

For you other substance users, I can’t tell you what to do.  I can’t preach to you based upon this.  However, PLEASE try and get clean.

I’m going to have to do everything within my power to stop drinking.  Sure.  How many times have you heard me say that before? No.  I’m SERIOUS this time.

I can’t even believe I managed to seriously put this post together.


“think” I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday.  I’m telling myself that title, “This is a bitch!”

I’m trying not to get all of my fucking diagnoses get the better of me.  I’ll blow up and it will be time to say, “Goodbye, PA!” Nothing’s triggering me at the moment so that’s a good thing.  I think my brain is more concerned with my Neurochemistry.  That is alsogood thing!!!

Should anything trigger me, I think I could handle it despite Neurochemistry or anything else.  After all, it was several triggers that made me drink so much.  So much, to get me into this situation of, VERY, UGLY WITHDRAWAL!!!  Even more so, I think I might know more about those triggers–not just things that happened on a “surface level” I suppose you could say.

That gives me even more ammo in case anything threatens to make me fall apart.  THAT IS A VERY, VERY GOOD THING!!! I can’t guarantee anything here, but at least feeling like this is hopeful? *shakes head and sighs*

I think food helps.  Gee.  Really? I had a breakfast, cereal bar earlier.  Now I’m going to try and shove at least something else into my mouth (and swallow it.)

I actually HAVE to go grocery shopping today.  That will be a huge slice of hell!

I had a friend (he’s dead now.)  He ALWAYS used this expression: “If you do the crime; you pay the time.”

Words of wisdom.


I was complaining all over Twitter about wanting to make the world shut up so I could crash.  Nope.  Sorry.  This post just has to be written.

I’ve been feeling a bit sick lately.  Nothing that’s really knocking me out.  I’m just tired all the time.  A lot of “fatigue.”  I’ve even been running a “fever” on a couple occasions.  It wasn’t that high though.  I’ve also been getting these “headaches” at night and intermittent “nausea.”

Harvard’s been busy with a lot of changes.  It’s amazing that she’s been seizure free since the beginning of August! However, the damn moods!

10 days ago, she dropped a huge Topamax bomb on her brain because the Lamictal increases weren’t working.  Bomb? Can’t suffer in manic hell because that’s a huge part of this post!!! The moods desperately needed a massive counter attack!!! They were part of keeping me in this cycle!!!

I am now, (PLEASE, HELP ME NOW!) going to stop drinking!

I was looking in my journal the other day (which I had stopped writing in altogether–that tells you something) and I was astonished.  Day after day after day…I had no clue.   It can’t be social either.  Abstinence.

I remember I made it between 30-45 days or something, quite a while ago, months ago.  That felt pretty good.  Longest period in my entire life.

Oh! I almost forgot the part about being sick! The “fatigue” and the “fever.”   The “headaches”  and intermittent “nausea” too.  I’m (presumably) going through alcohol withdrawal.  Those are all on the list.

It all makes sense medically.  Alcohol lowers your GABA and glutamate.  It doesn’t matter when you stop, or how much you drink.  Then your brain needs to readjust those two neurotransmitters of this one and that one.  Establish equilibrium.

Well, how do like me now! With all the med changes, higher levels, the big “Harvard Bomb” 10 days ago.  Irrelevant, but I haven’t had a drink in two days.  My brain has now become a book where all the pages are black.

Apart from the medical, I’m not physically addicted.  It’s all about the psychological.  So ANY of my diagnoses can make me run straight for the bottle! That’s tough.  Since I’ve got so many diagnoses! *rolls eyes*

Now, Harvard gets to treat this as well! *laughing*  Two Diazepam daily (actual prescription is such prn.)  Ibuprophen for fevers and headaches.  Gravol for nausea.  Fatigue? Nothing I can do about that one!


Now, where were we? Me unable to move in bed.  Hardly being able to type on my mobile.   Thus dropping it all over but that was okay.  It was landing on a soft surface.  Me. *smiles*  Oh, bugger! I just dropped the damn thing again!

This post is going to take a while.  Well, I’ve got lots of time.

I’ve had about 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep brought on by the Grim Reaper.  Then, after that period, I was resurrected with only a few memories of Alien Abduction.  Or “someone else” doing “something else” to me.

But I don’t know exactly what.

Harvard knows people can be extrasensative to generics.  She went to Harvard to practise Neurology! Even man-on-street would probably know.   For some people generics can be intolerable to the point of severely dangerous.

Harvard hasn’t encountered many people who have found themselves under the “no subs” ruling.   “no subs” meaning, “No Substituions.”  Yep.  Your physician has the right to be Judge, Jury, Grim Reaper, Aliens in your bedroom and whatever else.

So what the hell happened? Harvard has NEVER had a problem with any of the multitudes of the generics out there.   She went to see Merlin #2 and because of the EXISTING med changes, insomnia is a problem.  He prescribed her non-generic Seroquel that she takes for sleep.   The original recipe, Grandma’s secret blend of ingredients for her chicken soup to cure all ills-until she died five years later-and took it to her grave.

Sort of.   The patents run out in five years.  After that, all the other Big Pharma Companies jump on it so they can make money too.   However, slight glitch in the Matrix.  Since you’re dealing with a patent, you need to make some sort of “innocuous?” change.

Maybe Harvard is having a problem because she’s never been on a Brand med.  Right now? I’m gettin’ the good stuff…totally pure…not cut with no baking soda, or any of that shit! *laughing*

Too much.  Ah, this med change will be nothing compared to everything else! It’s just so out of this world!


Brand? Brand? Maybe it was just because I was feeling so exhausted!

Though if that was was simply the case, you’ve slept like the dead for…

BRAND? BRAND? BRAND? o.O

I’m flat out on my bed trying to type.  I am very slow. I am moving a lot slower than normal.  I keep dropping my mobile, but luckily it continues to fall onto a soff

I’ve just woken up from almost 12 hours…

…and I hit something, somewhere to publish this to soon. Let’s try again.

Posted from WordPress for Android. Let’s see if it works.


Well, actually I have no “plan” per se, as I’ve never performed one. I’m just going to wing it.  Do whatever feels right.  But let me tell you, just collecting all of the “pieces” I need and knowing I’m going to do it? Now that feels right!

Womb Twin Survivors have a tremendous obstacle in forming relationships with people.  And definitely romantic ones! They are the vast majority.  For me, it’s always been that way.  I write off all my disastrous friendships falling apart or not even working period, to having Asperger’s.  Bar None!

A thought occurred to me the other day that morphed into a massive trigger.  By the end of the night, you might as well have stamped, “HOLY SHIT! FUCK ME! OH MY GOD! NO!” all over my entire body.  Just that one thing began a cascade of things back to my teenage years up to a few years ago.

I have Dissociative Amnesia.  It falls under several categories of Dissociative Disorders.  Mine is SO extreme, I can’t remember basically my entire childhood, massive chunks of my teenage years and still my adult ones! No, huge per centages of the last two.  It’s so hard to put a number on it–BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! *rolls around crazy and laughs*  Maybe 70% to 80%? 60%?

So for a trigger to take me back to HALF of my Dissociative Amnesiac Mind? For that much, it’s huge.  Since my Dissociative Amnesia is SO HUGE you know it’s locking up a HUGE amount of trauma.

The next day, I managed to calm down a bit.  Even the day before when such grand PTSD HELL was shitting itself all over my head, I was madly scribbling down notes that were a total mess.  I had to record every single thought before I “lost it.”  Back into my potentially, deadly Pandora’s Box.

So what exactly IS the problem with Womb Twin Survivors and romantic relationships? They are continually looking for their lost (i.e. dead) twin.  Or it could be twins.  Yes, you can be a multiple twin survivor as I am.  It’s actually almost like I have DID. However, please see my category for some insight on that! Yet, please feel free to comment on it here!

Now, how on earth would it be possible to try and find your dead twin in a relationship with someone living that you love, want to plan your entire future with, get married, have children etc.  There is a very simple answer to that: YOU CANT!!!

When your twin/s bonded with you in the womb and then died? Make no mistake.  You lost a part of you.  A bigger part of you than you could possibly imagine.  Trust all of us Womb Twin Survivors and med geek PA.  Embryos go SO FAST and the neurological and biological connections grow out of control within the first to second trimesters (think of miscarriages?)

Nevertheless, it is an enduring problem for all of us.  It’s a trap. So elusive; so painful.  Because it’s a cycle and we don’t even know it’s happening! Then it becomes a cycle with the mates we find ourselves involved with.

Everything that crashed down upon me recently made me realize it.  I found it.  I found “them.”  Or at least as many of them as I could remember.  All of the women I had fallen in love with in trying to find something related to…searching for…what was missing…  In being a Womb Twin Survivor.  I was looking for my dead twin (or my twins as the case turned out to be.)

One question might be lingering in your mind after reading this. What about my existing twins.  What about my relationships with Melissa, Jason, Amelia and Bruce?

I had a discussion with them all prior regarding this issue.  I told them that I know you guys already! I know your personalities, I know what you’re all about.  That said, how could I be looking for anything in YOU regarding any romantic relationships?

They’re quite a bunch! We’re One Big Happy Family!

They told me nothing.  Since I already “had” what I needed from them, it was ultimately a nonstarter.  In essence, it “was” almost like a DID Integration Process–and an extremely complete one–although they still have the capacity to change.  The twins and DID? I’ve said this before.  Picture some sort of Venn Diagram.

They told me to look for the signs.  Therefore, the circle of the trigger, all of those women, and finally my Ritual.  I have something representing each one of them.  All of those women. And all of those things are going to “go away.”


Harvard is working on a REALLY heavy med change at the moment.  Today?

EXTREME CHANGE! STAT!

Everything was going along tickety boo.  I’m lying here listening to Erik Satie, EXTREMELY more than firmly having EXTREME hatred for the entire human race.

Thus, I don’t want any single more of them, not even one of them, in my life. Forever. Until I die.

Lest my doctors for my meds.

I’ll be just fine.  Until ANY SINGLE HUMAN BEING COMES NEAR ME!!!!!!

Med changes are fun, yes?

Hopefully Harvard did the right thing. She kicked the right pill out the door and she’ll be on a better track in a day or so.

Dose to Dose Ratio, more med geek stuff, also in bloody Typical Absence Status Epilepticus too!

Half hour until peak plasma.  Clearing up a bit?  Hmmm.  Well, humans are maybe looking a tiny bit less disgusting.


*laughs maniacally* (actually that “mania”cally part sort of fits quite (un)well.)  Or something.

It’s been a month since I’ve last posted.  People are still looking at this blog.   See above.

So, how are things going? See first line.  Alright, I’ll stop with that. However, how about interesting? I’ll try to keep all the ins and outs of pill regimes, the ups and downs of all the changes I have made.

Yes.  Me.

NOT TO BOAST DISCLAIMER: Dr. PA has now been given a Specialist’s Degree from Harvard in Neurology from Non-Arsey Neuro (he said Harvard was the best.)  Tangentially, when Dr. PA was just a student years ago, she actually did email a Neurologist at Harvard.  An immediate response.  So despite conjecture, Non-Arsey Neuro could very well be correct.

I have been granted full control and guidance over my own treatment.  Over the most disastrous epileptic event to ever occur in my life.  An event that exacerbated a pre-existing condition (Typical Absence Status Epilepticus) beyond all control–as we were quickly finding out!!!

My case was bad enough before to try and find solutions.  In bed for weeks (half a month) before “said event” (no longer obtaining access from Big Pharma to one of my meds we were using to treat it.)  When I got it back? Efficacy down.

So, that’s the history and I think everyone knows it.  Although I still wanted to add it to illustrate the gravity of me being  pretty much in control of, yeah…  EVERYTHING!

Of course Non-Arsey Neuro is still there.  It’s odd though.  As if I only need him for consults.  It REALLY IS like we’re two Neurologists and we’d like to talk to each other for “an opinion.” I’ll pick up the phone or make a quick appointment.

Why? *shakes head*

*huge grin and tears start to form in eyes*

*tears drop and reaches for tissues*

All of my medical team know that I know my stuff but he is UNBELIEVABLE.  INCREDIBLE.  I could just keep going but are those words even enough?

Never has a doctor had THIS much confidence in my abilities and knowledge even though I’m a patient.  I can’t even explain what that means to me.  And especially NOW of all times!

It’s pretty crazy as there are so many multi-layered and overlapping factors:

Two ACs (Topamax and Lamictal.)  Complicated enough to know which one to work with alone or both together.  The pharmacology between the two is so different.  My head is more than a seesaw? A roller coaster? No, both.

My moods and cycling run in three layers.  During “regular times” I’m doing okay.  Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? Oh, we are NOWHERE near mood stability there–well, maybe a bit of progress overall perhaps.  I think so.

But this is when the EXTREMELY important third layer comes in. I’m a VERY FAST Ultradian Cycler.  I’m tearing the house down with all four: depression, mania, mixed states, dysphoric manias. I’m probably making up some new ones along the way on my own!

Also, MANIA! I have somehow morphed into someone who has BP I.  I’m not BP I and have never been close to it!

Another thing is, all of this has brought my Asperger’s out in a HUGE way!  My moods are at a serious Bipolar level when they haven’t been like this in years.  So, STIM! STIM! STIM! 

My epilepsy and the seizures? Now this is some GREAT NEWS!!! I haven’t had a seizure since the beginning of August.  That’s getting pretty close to two months.  I can’t believe it.  If I can make it 10 more? A year? I can get my DL back!!! OMG!!!

I knew we were on the right track by doing this.  It just took me two agonizing years to get people to listen.  Non-Arsey Neuro did. I think by Sweetie GP screaming at him! I’ll find out when I see her.

Nonetheless, by Non-Arsey Neuro getting the picture and really understanding?

“Congratulations, Dr. PA.  You have now graduated from the Harvard Neurobiology School, magna cum laude.  Your first patient is you.”


…pills, pills, pills…all I see are pills…pills…pills…

Dr. PA has a new (Humble Pie, Instant Karma, whatever else) philosophy: “ALWAYS TITRATE YOUR MEDICATION CHANGES!!!”

From that, I think you can gather I’ve had some problems with not titrating my increases.  That were high.  Really high.

I’ve done a yank.  Which is completely counterintuitive to what I said above.  Proper titrations=Proper discontinuations.

Non-Arsey Neuro knows I’ve done this and I’ve made an appt. to see him.  This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.  Or maybe we’ll get lucky and find the sweet spots fast.  Maybe those levels are fine but we need to slow things down.

However, I did see changes with my seizures within a month. Not as harsh and violent and the event durations were cut in half.  We’re heading in the right direction?

Now, back to the yank, no titration etc.

Everyone who goes through a med change (or even starts one for the first time) knows you’re going to feel sick.  Sometimes unbearably, but you’re not at risk of any harm if it isn’t a “medical emergency.”

So what would constitute a “medical emergency?”

Clearly, any indication of “imminent death” due to the patient’s physical and/or mental state.  That’s a bit of guesswork on both sides, unless perhaps someone had something like a “myocardial infarction” (i.e. a heart attack) or a “cerebrovascular accident.”

I just had to use that one.  WTF? HUH? If you can manage to piece it together, it still makes your brain want to just stop so you don’t have to think anymore.

“Accident.”  I love it.  Loss of blood to the brain causing irreversible damage to the cells.  At best, a stroke.  At worst, well? The worst.

______

I started this a few days ago so I’ll try and continue with the deterioration from above and further deterioration now–as quickly as possible.

I was talking about what would be a “medical emergency.”  Well, in my case, how about being pretty damn sick but you THINK you’ve finally tackled that.  ALSO you THINK you’re mentally stable enough to move on to working with the next med change as well.

BUT.YOU.ARE.NOT.  

And this is the kicker for it being an emergency: you’re not aware of your own actions–precisely because YOU THINK YOU ARE JUST FINE!!!

The only way to even try attempt to describe it, to even come close? Well, in my case?

Let’s meander off into DID territory.  To folks out there with any of the DID family of diagnoses (I have one–Dissociative Amnesia) or anyone who knows someone who does? It was like my med changes brought out this crazy alter that was running around while I was in a fugue state (sort of…or maybe a bit of one?) Then, said alter was damn near destroying a relationship with someone I love dearly!

I figured it out in just the nick of time before who knows what more damage I would have done beyond my prior havoc! It actually was the meds.  I think that’s justifiable as a “medical emergency.”

Now let me tell you! My dead twins (see Category Womb Twin Survivor) aren’t alters in the DID sense.  I don’t fit the diagnostic criteria for any of the DID diagnoses, other than the one I already have.  Yet, what happens between me and my twins as “alters” if you wish is similar to DID.

So, I repeat: NOW LET ME TELL YOU!!! Going through that (because I think I caught myself doing it again just goddamn fucking yesterday!!!) is freak-you-out, bad-ass, uber-terrifying, shit! Doing something that’s so distressing but not having the knowledge that you’re doing it???

If I just got a wee taste of what some of you guys go through with DID–any way, shape of form? I kneel at your feet.  I cry for you. Because I can’t tell you how much I’ve cried over it for me–and still continue to do so.

Nonetheless, this person and I now know.  We’re still sifting through MY wreckage, but things have been salvaged.

Today.  I am now needing my cane for malnutrition as well as epilepsy.  I’ve been keeping an eye on my weight every day–not for happy, eating disordered, anorectic, wee PA–really, for health reasons.  Of course med changes make you sick, don’t want to eat, but with all of these things happening so fast, I’m still probably refusing to eat because of all the land mines everywhere.

I lost 2lbs. overnight.  I’m now at 92lbs.  That’s 2lbs. above my “Danger Zone” number.  If I go below that, everyone’s gonna go apeshit! Well, probably not Non-Arsey Neuro.  Even the current number might make people…you know what? I honestly don’t even care anymore.  Yes, I must eat.  If the weight doesn’t rise, screw it. It’s because of making the med changes.

The moods? The other person and I can manage it ourselves.  It may not be so bad now as a titration will be done.

I have to go through this.  I have to take everything it gives me and everything it takes out of me.  It might be my only chance at getting well.

And thank you so much to you all as Commenters patiently waiting, Twitter and Blog Followers, the same.  And a certain Blog Follower who just gave me a Pingback.  I’m very flattered.

I will get back to you all.  I never ignore anyone here.  I was even thinking of shutting down my blog.  Because I just can’t BE here! I haven’t been able to be here for so long!

Working with the two meds to adjust is going to take a very long time I think.  I really do.

Take care all, PA





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