Archive for the ‘PTSD and Dissociative Disorders’ Category


I’m home right now. Had to bring some things back. Everything I’m taking will not fit in a single car, trip back and forth. Unless you rented a truck? I’m Next of Kin. MINE!

My Transpo got waylaid too. Just have to sit and wait for my driver to come tomorrow.

There’s been a lot going on since Mom died. Well, that’s quite an understatement if you’ve ever had to deal with someone’s entire life since they’ve shuffled off “This Mortal Coil.” That one’s okay. The Band. However, every single person has said some variation of “Pass.” Passed, Passed On, Passing, Passing On.

Being a writer, I not only love every single letter that creates a word, but also words themselves. Then, that creates more love and lust for everything. Including, but not limited to: odd, emotionally laden, archaic phrases and expressions. Many times they can be all three. Perhaps this “Pass” business fits in there somewhere. Despite that possibility, I’m too exhausted to learn at this moment. It just strikes me as rather unusual.

Why won’t anyone say anything related to death? We’re also talking about multiple generations! Those of her generation, me and my sister, then my sister’s children! She died.

None of these people are Buddhist. If anything, I should be saying, “Passed On” because of my Buddhist beliefs.

Moreover, you can practise Buddhist beliefs and philosophy without the entire issue of coming back in another life form. If you disagree, come talk to me. Buddhism isn’t always that peaceful either. Monks from differnt sects have gone ballistic; yelling and screaming, throwing things to actually injure each other. Quite amusing.

Things haven’t been that bad for me though. At least physically.

I have a lot of feelings about my Mom dying. About my Mom living! Many of them conflicting, confusing, painful and sorrowful. Anger too. I also know happy, funny and not necessarily so negative. Although, there is one thing I did not question at all, not for a second. As soon as I knew she was going to die (ultimately of bone cancer) not after she died, I would never be the same person again.

That can happen, right?

Right?

Am I wrong here?

Things have been so out of control, trying to deal with everything in a practical manner, I haven’t had any time to process a single thing. Maybe a tiny shred of some emotion has managed to reach the surface, but it’s been very brief. Only then, a few tears have escaped, and rolled down my cheeks. But no matter what, I refused to let any more out.

Unless I was on my own. Then I could cry. Sometimes, many tears would come out, yet I couldn’t identify why or what on earth I was feeling. What was the trigger? What was making me cry?

There was another reason why I would only cry alone. It was much stronger, and my mind was crystal clear regarding this situation!

I’m staying at my “Dad’s” place. I’m only calling him that  because everyone else is. I still don’t feel he’s actually my Dad. I kicked him out of my life over 15 years ago after he stole $5,000 from me. Well, I caught him. Then it took forever for him to pay me back. That was just the final straw.

I’m now being reunited with many extended family members on his side. After cutting them off for more than 20 years? They’re all hugging me, telling me how much they love me, how so, so sorry they are about my Mom. Gee, that’s not more to deal with, is it?

So I’m DEFINITELY not crying in front of them! I’ve already had enough “touchy-feely” from you, thank you very much. I wouldn’t be of any help dealing with all of this from a Hospital Psych Ward. Some days, I feel like I should be in one. Some days, I feel like I’m already in one!

When this is over, I have no idea what is going to happen. It’s going to happen anyway though, so there’s no point in worrying about it. You can’t rush grief. You just go through it.

ASIDE: my friend who is taking care of my mail and apartment while I’m away just popped by. He told me his friend died today. I couldn’t believe any of my senses. We’re both friends with a guy in my building who knew the deceased. Looks like we’re going to have a grief party.

*sighs*

 

 

 


Well, I can try. Second night at Dad’s now. My sister and uncle just blasted into the room as she flew in from across the country. Things are now getting more and more stressful as I’m coming face to face with extended family members I kicked them out of my life (including my father in the next room.) I did so because they would give you Ebola through a simple phone call.

When I saw my sister, I started crying because I haven’t seen her a bajillion years. She was pretty cold, ambivalent maybe? Both? She did complement my shoes.

Still running on fumes. Actually had a full meal today. For dinner a Bison Burger! Welcome to Canada! You wouldn’t see that on every restaurant menu though.

Tomorrow I have to go the Funeral Home with my sister and pay for the Cremation. A financial glitch, but I would have done it anyway! She was my mother!

I’ll get reimbursed.  It will be covered by a Government Pension Mom was receiving. Of course, I know to get a Death Certificate. When dealing with Estate Laws you ALWAYS get multiple copies of Death Certificates for everything that you have to handle.

I meant to write more about my feelings and emotions. There is just so much going on. A concoction of business, chaos, miscommunication and exhaustion. It doesn’t leave much time for even the slightest pause or glimpse into one’s inner thoughts, and time to reflect upon them. Right now, I’m either the walking dead (bad pun) or functioning on a UFO’s Autopilot System.

 


That expression formally ends​with six. Someone I worked with used to say it all the time. With six. 

He’d do it out of frustration, when he’d made a mistake, when somebody was going through a hard time to help or cheer them up, and always while joking.

I never understood what the expression meant. I’d never heard it before up until that point in my life. I’d always gone along with everyone else at work. I laughed and smiled. Inside? I felt like a total goofball.

At one point, he and I were alone. I felt totally awkward and ashamed (why?) We both loved each other. A lot.

NOTE: some Asperger’s behaviour with all of this? Can you see that? Plus, a lot of my colleagues were mean. Must hide.

So, I finally asked him.

“S., what on earth does that expression mean? You’re always saying it, everybody else seems to know. What the ‘fuck’…hahaha…is it some kind Orgy Rule?” We were both in stitches when I said that.

After we both gathered composure, he told me to think about it. THINK ABOUT IT???You, little… I have thought about it! That’s why I’m asking! Doofus.

We were both in our 20’s. He was a few years younger. Since we were so close (damn near in love with each other) he enjoyed with great pleasure to tease and embarrass me while working. In front of the public! Anything to make blush. Which can happen before a hat enters a room to drop anyway.

I told him to fuck off and just answer the damn question. Otherwise, I would beat it out of him. Which would be impossible without many weapons. I’m tiny. Even though he was thin, he stood about 6’1″ To hug me, he’d almost have to pick me up. Especially if I wasn’t wearing shoes.

Anyway, for those who do not know, the expression means that you tell everyone in your life to yes, fuck off, screw themselves, go to hell etc. Except for only six people. 

Why? You need six Pallbearers to carry your Casket when you die.

I was almost on my knees, laughing so hard. I could barely breathe. It was a good thing he was right beside me so he could pick me up. I really was that close to falling. He just smirked, satisfied he’d almost made me look, once more, like a fool in front of the public.

My number two? Well, I’m wearing almost “Death Bling.” Two of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry I’ve ever seen.

A very close friend I met so long ago “gave” me his Cross. He was also a very close lapsed Catholic. I dare you to find me a bigger one. However, his Mother was extremely Devout.

She gave him his Cross when he went fully through all the Stations. Confirmed as a young boy. If she ever saw him without it, the Bible and more would hit the fan!

One night we were drinking and fooling around, being our idiot selves and I took it. I put it on, making jokes about how Catholic he was, I was the better one by not being Catholic at all!

I went home, and realized I still had it! HIS MOM!!! I called and left a voicemail. Nothing. This went on for YEARS.

Constant contact back and forth.

“Yeah, later.” ‘Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.” “Let me send you an email in a couple of days.” “Don’t worry, I know it’s in a safe place.”

He died and I found out after the fact. What about his Cross?! It was “missing.” His Mother. Did G. tell them anything? I never got a phone call. Granted, my number is unlisted. But he knew where I lived.

Some people later told me after all those years, the constant excuses, never coming to get it, questions before dying? It meant something. What? I was totally clueless. 

They said it was because he wanted me to have it. I still didn’t understand and couldn’t grasp that concept. In fact, it still seems a bit odd to this day.

After a few years though, I think I might have figured out why. 

I knew he had ADHD roughly 10 years before I knew I had ADD! He confided in me, something he’d never told anyone else. His Mother had Mental Health Issues. And all around, I was the only person who really understood him. No words were ever said about it. I don’t think he could have put any letters together to start a sentence for it!

The cross is gold. 14K. Maybe an inch high so proportionate. It has the entire Lord’s Prayer in Relief on it!

ASIDE: Relief is a Coin Collecting Term. It means any part of a coin that is raised. The higher you can feel it, and the cleaner it is on the coin (and the cleaner the coin itself) the better Relief. Then, it is extended to all metallurgical engraving.

The second piece of jewelry is from my Nana. My Mom’s Mother. I loved it so much, even as a child. I actually became so bold when a teenager, I asked if I could have it when she died! She just laughed and said of course I could.

It is beautiful and obviously sentimental. A locket shaped as a shield. 18K. I can’t even begin to describe its complicated and intensely gorgeous engraving. 

Inside, there are two little pictures. One of her husband, my Grampa, a dashing, young man. The other, a baby picture of my Mom.

Neither of these are coming off until? Definitely not until we take care of Mom’s Estate! And probably longer. Definitely longer.


Have you ever wanted to write a Blog Post and you just can’t do it.  I mean, you really want to do it.  You HAVE to do it. 

If you don’t, you’re going to totally blow up, go insane, disintegrate into pieces, or you have no clue. 

Because you’re too “preoccupied” with the Post you HAVE TO WRITE!!!

Well, there’s both the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea! It’s called your head!

Because there’s nothing you can do but let those seething, boiling waves drown it over and over with your thoughts.  The thoughts you want to get out so bad, you would trade choking on them, just to make it happen.

I’m choking, but nothing’s happening.  Except for this.  And clearly it’s not what I want to talk about? Yes? Well, if it wasn’t clear, there you go.

So my brain is trying to keep it’s head(?) above all of that water.  So many thoughts churning around and I’m trying so hard to get a grip.  Find the sandy beach. 

Hell, I’ll even choke on the sand if that would help!

Gulp.

Where’s Spock? He’s always my good side at sorting these things out.


I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!

*teardrops*

But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.


Went out tonight.  Getting ready to leave.  This one guy I know through association from a friend (they work together) was there.  So, yeah.  Nice guy, and we got on well too.

Another guy I’ve known for a few years got into this game about, “Which one wanted to go out with me more?” A totally stupid game as one of them was married!

Enter, THIS FUCKING BITCH.

Now, I had tried to be nice to her since Day One.  She was sometimes on, sometimes off.

I’d like to say she’s a total, MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH.  In fact, I will.

So, nice guy by association and, well, MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH pulled this bizarre “thing” recently.

We were sitting at the bar, I had my sunglasses on for head-injury-photophobia, and nothing was happening.  Just silence, watching the TV, I’m not even close to him or saying a word to anyone.  Then, she snaps a picture of us on her mobile phone.

After done, begins howling MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH LAUGHTER! Almost like she was ready to fall off her barstool.  I asked if I could see it.  She showed it only to him.

I said I had littler things that I could care littler about.  I mean, what was MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH going to do? FB, Twitter, Instagram or whatever this “harmless” picture?

Please.

Well, tonight was a real topper!

Association-Dude-Small-Cock-Oedipal-Complex comes running over with some guy’s information on it.  He kept saying he’s looking for someone to date.  I should call him.  He’s really nice.

Perhaps I too loudly said, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALL SOME STRANGER FOR A DATE, WHEN…”  At that point, I was interrupted.

“Well, can I give him your information!”

I think I might have shrieked back? I’m not sure.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALL SOME STRANGER FOR A DATE AND YOU GIVING HIM MY INFORMATION? THAT’S SO FUCKING INSANE! THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD GIVE OUT MY PERSONAL INFORMATION TO A TOTAL STRANGER! EVEN YOU ASKING IS JUST PLAIN RUDE!”

I like the fact that I actually brought up proper manners at the end of my tirade.  What can I say? *shrugs*  I have proper manners.

Then MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH starts screaming, “He’s got lots of money!

And the massive laughter continues…until she lays another one on me: “Oh, are you crying???”

Snark back, with irritability and sarcasm: “No.  I’ve got my sunglasses on.”

BOLT.

Not without a traveller.  Highly illegal but my local does it.  I didn’t even have to pay because the guy working was pissed off too.

I’m close to the owner.  If ANYONE ever gives me a hassle they could be kicked out the door. 

I’m on the fence with this one.  Tell him about it? See if more shit happens?

I always take the high road.  Unless cornered? Which I certainly was tonight.  Now after thinking and calming down, I wish I could have handled things differently.

I felt like my Asperger’s was back in FULL BLOOM.  Like my entire life.  Looking back at everything.  Bullied since born. 

It still happens as an adult.  More times than this.  It makes me wonder, “Bullied until death?”


I’m not sure, but I think this might be the worst thing a sister could do to her own.  This sister, who is an Aunt to her other’s two daughters and one son.  Even worse, this sister who learned all about it from their Mother.  Charming.

The information happened in stages.  Actually, I should correct myself.  I’m not sure if our Mother knew the third part, but that is irrelevant.  This is about ME.

I can’t believe she didn’t tell me any of this.  Much more her “excuses.”

My youngest niece moved about a three hour drive from where I live.  This was several months ago.  Then she got married approximately two months ago.  After the marriage had settled in for a while with both of them, they planned to move across the country.

I never see my nieces and nephew.  They love me so much, as I do them.  At least I’ve always been told that IN THE PAST.  What of the love of my sister she always said she had for me in the past?

Oh, that pretty much disappeared years ago.

So I thought I’d just give her a ding to chat recently.  “Hey, what’s up?” I had actually forgotten what Mom had even told me–until the end of our conversation.

Of course I asked why didn’t she tell me about the wedding! I let her moving well before aside because the wedding was more important.  If nothing more it would have been nice to meet the Groom!

“Oh, well, I’ve told SO many people I couldn’t even REMEMBER anymore! And there were so many problems with transportation! My car’s a piece of junk and couldn’t make it so we were switching cars all over the place to try and get everybody there.  And, oh my god! Her Mother-In-Law just took over everything at the last minute, so it was a TOTAL nightmare! So after everything calms down, they’re moving to (said Province.”)

…okay…

So now we’ve got the stunning excuses but the REAL BOMB at the end.

People, Canada is a very large Country.  For me to fly to where she’s going takes the same time for me to fly to London, England. 

That’s just the epicenter within the Province as well.  It could take me longer for several other places that would require Transferred Flights to get them.

I’ve been there before.  Once it was about seven hours due to a delay of a Transfer.  I just sat in the Airport and got drunk to amuse myself.  It was late at night and there was nothing else to do!

I kept my cool and made a joke that it was a good thing they were moving if her Mother-In-Law was going to be like that! My sister just laughed and agreed.

My heart is breaking as I’m writing this.

So we stopped chatting and I decided it was time, after so long, to unleash the damn Elephant in the Room! Email! 

However.  Kid Gloves! Time to really use my writing to the Max! So push those words out properly.  Bend, twist, roll, turn them upside down but not a complete 360° Get into her head.

Keep it brief, no drama, non-confrontational, nice and even, and toss out the Elephant.  Hopefully get it through her thick skull, I will not be her personal little punching bag any longer.  That’s also apart from this story.

I told her “it was a bit of an ouch” that she didn’t tell me.  I would like to think that being all of her kid’s Aunt, I’d be at the top of the list of people to tell.

I continued that we were so close years ago, but I didn’t think we were anymore (ELEPHANT!!!) That was alright though.  Things change.  If we weren’t so close, then at least we can be honest about it and have peace.

Oh, wait.  I must have forgotten.  There were two Elephants? That final statement was the one that could barely FIT in the room.

No response, naturally.  Some kind of blame placed on me for something, naturally.  That’s fine.

I’ll take my own blame for everything I ever did to hurt us.  But I’m not putting up with her abuse anymore. 

I still feel a bit scared of her, but I feel some relief now, too.

Nonetheless, I’m staying far, far away.  Even if that means never speaking to her again.

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Someone might be checking me out now.  Looking at my blog to find out more about me.  I’m not sure.

But that’s okay.  In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!

However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.

If you are reading, I hope you see this.  If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!

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It took me a while to figure this out. 

If you feel like something is wrong with your health, have a diagnosis where you need help because things are a bit unstable.  What should you ALWAYS do?

Track things! Get a calendar, mark things down like a journal and monitor every and all changes! It doesn’t matter how small.

There were so many variables that took me so long.  The largest being my head such a disaster.  Head injuries can, to whatever degree, turn you into a wreck.  I still have both retrograde and anterograde amnesia from one.

A few episodes happened when I was discharged, but I didn’t clue in to write down dates.  They also just resolved with time.  Not a lot of time either.  Maybe two hours at most, and they were hardly as intense as before.

Everyone was still so focussed on a stroke at first, waiting for me to get my MRI, see its results…  That was going to take a month or more

Recently, I had two other episodes. They were one day after the other.  I certainly need to journal or track that!

The second one wouldn’t resolve after five hours, and was almost as bad as the one that sent me to hospital originally in July.

I finally broke down and went to hospital as I just couldn’t stand it anymore.  Yes, I am a VERY stubborn patient.  Don’t be like me!

I hadn’t thrown up like the first time, but guess how the Paramedics found me? Hunched down down on my knees with my head hung over the the toilet bowl. 

They gave me this traveling vomit bag.  It wasn’t completely a bag though.  It had a cardboard “box” at the top.  It was shaped like a Chinese Food Take Away Carton.

No offense to my Asian readers, here.  I mean it.  However, I couldn’t hold back from making a joke to one Paramedic and say, “This is what they give you when you have too much Chinese Food and it makes you sick.”

I was taken to a different hospital. Now, to treat the symptoms and “make me more comfortable” even though I was dying in pain.  Are you kidding me? 

Although, I actually passed out.  Are you seriously kidding me?

IV Fluids.  Standard.  IV Toradol which is an anti-nauseant.  I’ve had it before and it’s made me feel nice and floaty, but never knocked me out! Are you curiously kidding me?

Some other thing strung up and pumped into me.  I can’t remember what it was so maybe that doped me.  Are you illegally killing me?

Finally some Steroid. It was shot in liquid form, into my mouth via a syringe.  Are you weirdly killing me?

It was for “Rebound Pain” over 72 hours.  Okay.  Now you are RIDICULOUSLY AND STUPIDLY KILLING ME!

This is the best hospital in our city.  I want to go there ALL the time.  It’s only that they didn’t know the history (now irrelevant) and how to treat me properly (now irrelevant.)

Although, I will be going back to an EYE CLINIC they have there.  Yes, Clinic.  Not just some Dr. Who Knows.  I think even a Neuro Opthamologist.  Awesome!

Does anyone out there remember my TASE? Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? If you don’t, you can search for the Horror Show on the rest of my Blog.

It was catamenial.  That means, to do with your Menstrual Cycle and even days surrounding it.  I was lucky enough to have ditto for Ovulation.

Well, now I’m having the same with migraines.  I’m on my period now and those two one day after another? That second one where I had to go back to hospital?

Nothing has cleared up yet.

With this now in mind, I can EASILY track all the others from dates of my cycles.

This is a disaster.  More than.  Sweetie GP has been on vacation for the month of August.  I have an appointment soon.  She’ll probably agree with me:

WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO YOUR NEW GYNECOLOGIST FOR THAT PARTIAL HYSTERECTOMY NOW!!!

No kidding.  I have to stop getting my period! Moreover, I won’t even bring my anemia and how bad that is into all of this.

Also, Non-Arsey Neuro is going to call me as he’s away for a bit now too.  Stupid Summer Vacations! *laughing*

I will be suffering for a long time.  None of this will be resolved anytime soon.

I have to try for some kind of stopgap.  My Triptans can’t handle this.  I’m going to ask him about Ergotamines.  They might be VERY good for this in terms of how they work.  The dose schedule, no contraindications or med interactions for me.

Another neat thing about some is they can ease menstrual flow.  But I don’t know if that would happen for me at too high a dose.

There is a specific Ergot derivative to do this actually! It’s called “Ergometrine.”  However, it’s not used to treat migraines

So, that’s that. 

I think this needs to be handled ASAP.  If these migraines are bad enough to give a stroke presentation, and they will continue to happen on a regular basis? What (else) might they be doing to my brain?

I already have so many comorbidities.  Right now I’m living in a perpetual state of a very significant TBI. One that already affects so much of my daily functioning. 

It also does bring out features of my other comorbidities now that I think of it.  Absolutely.

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Asperger’s Meltdowns.

Well, generally through overstimulation.  Add some stress on top of that? Okay…

WHAM! BANG! SLAP!

POUND.

I guess the above sums it up.  The vague causes it is.  Dissemination? Dissection?

A friend with serious, serious problems and he comes to see me every day to unload.

It’s not like I don’t want to help.  I guess I just have a life with issues of my own?

This friend has Bipolar and unbelievable levels of OCD I think a diagnosis is absolutely warranted.  That probably makes his daily, morning visits more important.

My Inzombia is at an all time high.  I’m so exhausted, I hear my buzzer after some, what, hours of sleep and early, I know it’s him.

These days, I hit the buzz to respond and say I’m still sleeping.  Nope.  Too late.  I’m awake now.  Goodbye pillow.

Rambling.  Nonverbal online? Well, unless you’re yelling at your own Blog Posts. 

We ordered pizza at his place and thank god I told him what an Asperger’s Meltdown can do to you.  That awful, terrifying feeling of being so infantilized.  The crying, mumbling, whining.

My friend has members of his family, one Schizophrenic, one with Asperger’s.

He also has a four-year-old son.  That was the BEST way for him to handle me.

I’m still here.  Wow.  How long have I been Nonverbal? He’s playing games on his mega video system.  And I’m writing this.  Longing to go home.

I just can’t move.

Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?