Archive for the ‘PTSD and Dissociative Disorders’ Category


Have you ever wanted to write a Blog Post and you just can’t do it.  I mean, you really want to do it.  You HAVE to do it. 

If you don’t, you’re going to totally blow up, go insane, disintegrate into pieces, or you have no clue. 

Because you’re too “preoccupied” with the Post you HAVE TO WRITE!!!

Well, there’s both the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea! It’s called your head!

Because there’s nothing you can do but let those seething, boiling waves drown it over and over with your thoughts.  The thoughts you want to get out so bad, you would trade choking on them, just to make it happen.

I’m choking, but nothing’s happening.  Except for this.  And clearly it’s not what I want to talk about? Yes? Well, if it wasn’t clear, there you go.

So my brain is trying to keep it’s head(?) above all of that water.  So many thoughts churning around and I’m trying so hard to get a grip.  Find the sandy beach. 

Hell, I’ll even choke on the sand if that would help!

Gulp.

Where’s Spock? He’s always my good side at sorting these things out.


I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!

*teardrops*

But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.


Went out tonight.  Getting ready to leave.  This one guy I know through association from a friend (they work together) was there.  So, yeah.  Nice guy, and we got on well too.

Another guy I’ve known for a few years got into this game about, “Which one wanted to go out with me more?” A totally stupid game as one of them was married!

Enter, THIS FUCKING BITCH.

Now, I had tried to be nice to her since Day One.  She was sometimes on, sometimes off.

I’d like to say she’s a total, MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH.  In fact, I will.

So, nice guy by association and, well, MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH pulled this bizarre “thing” recently.

We were sitting at the bar, I had my sunglasses on for head-injury-photophobia, and nothing was happening.  Just silence, watching the TV, I’m not even close to him or saying a word to anyone.  Then, she snaps a picture of us on her mobile phone.

After done, begins howling MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH LAUGHTER! Almost like she was ready to fall off her barstool.  I asked if I could see it.  She showed it only to him.

I said I had littler things that I could care littler about.  I mean, what was MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH going to do? FB, Twitter, Instagram or whatever this “harmless” picture?

Please.

Well, tonight was a real topper!

Association-Dude-Small-Cock-Oedipal-Complex comes running over with some guy’s information on it.  He kept saying he’s looking for someone to date.  I should call him.  He’s really nice.

Perhaps I too loudly said, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALL SOME STRANGER FOR A DATE, WHEN…”  At that point, I was interrupted.

“Well, can I give him your information!”

I think I might have shrieked back? I’m not sure.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALL SOME STRANGER FOR A DATE AND YOU GIVING HIM MY INFORMATION? THAT’S SO FUCKING INSANE! THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD GIVE OUT MY PERSONAL INFORMATION TO A TOTAL STRANGER! EVEN YOU ASKING IS JUST PLAIN RUDE!”

I like the fact that I actually brought up proper manners at the end of my tirade.  What can I say? *shrugs*  I have proper manners.

Then MOTHERSHIT PSYCHOPATH starts screaming, “He’s got lots of money!

And the massive laughter continues…until she lays another one on me: “Oh, are you crying???”

Snark back, with irritability and sarcasm: “No.  I’ve got my sunglasses on.”

BOLT.

Not without a traveller.  Highly illegal but my local does it.  I didn’t even have to pay because the guy working was pissed off too.

I’m close to the owner.  If ANYONE ever gives me a hassle they could be kicked out the door. 

I’m on the fence with this one.  Tell him about it? See if more shit happens?

I always take the high road.  Unless cornered? Which I certainly was tonight.  Now after thinking and calming down, I wish I could have handled things differently.

I felt like my Asperger’s was back in FULL BLOOM.  Like my entire life.  Looking back at everything.  Bullied since born. 

It still happens as an adult.  More times than this.  It makes me wonder, “Bullied until death?”


I’m not sure, but I think this might be the worst thing a sister could do to her own.  This sister, who is an Aunt to her other’s two daughters and one son.  Even worse, this sister who learned all about it from their Mother.  Charming.

The information happened in stages.  Actually, I should correct myself.  I’m not sure if our Mother knew the third part, but that is irrelevant.  This is about ME.

I can’t believe she didn’t tell me any of this.  Much more her “excuses.”

My youngest niece moved about a three hour drive from where I live.  This was several months ago.  Then she got married approximately two months ago.  After the marriage had settled in for a while with both of them, they planned to move across the country.

I never see my nieces and nephew.  They love me so much, as I do them.  At least I’ve always been told that IN THE PAST.  What of the love of my sister she always said she had for me in the past?

Oh, that pretty much disappeared years ago.

So I thought I’d just give her a ding to chat recently.  “Hey, what’s up?” I had actually forgotten what Mom had even told me–until the end of our conversation.

Of course I asked why didn’t she tell me about the wedding! I let her moving well before aside because the wedding was more important.  If nothing more it would have been nice to meet the Groom!

“Oh, well, I’ve told SO many people I couldn’t even REMEMBER anymore! And there were so many problems with transportation! My car’s a piece of junk and couldn’t make it so we were switching cars all over the place to try and get everybody there.  And, oh my god! Her Mother-In-Law just took over everything at the last minute, so it was a TOTAL nightmare! So after everything calms down, they’re moving to (said Province.”)

…okay…

So now we’ve got the stunning excuses but the REAL BOMB at the end.

People, Canada is a very large Country.  For me to fly to where she’s going takes the same time for me to fly to London, England. 

That’s just the epicenter within the Province as well.  It could take me longer for several other places that would require Transferred Flights to get them.

I’ve been there before.  Once it was about seven hours due to a delay of a Transfer.  I just sat in the Airport and got drunk to amuse myself.  It was late at night and there was nothing else to do!

I kept my cool and made a joke that it was a good thing they were moving if her Mother-In-Law was going to be like that! My sister just laughed and agreed.

My heart is breaking as I’m writing this.

So we stopped chatting and I decided it was time, after so long, to unleash the damn Elephant in the Room! Email! 

However.  Kid Gloves! Time to really use my writing to the Max! So push those words out properly.  Bend, twist, roll, turn them upside down but not a complete 360° Get into her head.

Keep it brief, no drama, non-confrontational, nice and even, and toss out the Elephant.  Hopefully get it through her thick skull, I will not be her personal little punching bag any longer.  That’s also apart from this story.

I told her “it was a bit of an ouch” that she didn’t tell me.  I would like to think that being all of her kid’s Aunt, I’d be at the top of the list of people to tell.

I continued that we were so close years ago, but I didn’t think we were anymore (ELEPHANT!!!) That was alright though.  Things change.  If we weren’t so close, then at least we can be honest about it and have peace.

Oh, wait.  I must have forgotten.  There were two Elephants? That final statement was the one that could barely FIT in the room.

No response, naturally.  Some kind of blame placed on me for something, naturally.  That’s fine.

I’ll take my own blame for everything I ever did to hurt us.  But I’m not putting up with her abuse anymore. 

I still feel a bit scared of her, but I feel some relief now, too.

Nonetheless, I’m staying far, far away.  Even if that means never speaking to her again.

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Someone might be checking me out now.  Looking at my blog to find out more about me.  I’m not sure.

But that’s okay.  In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!

However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.

If you are reading, I hope you see this.  If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!

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It took me a while to figure this out. 

If you feel like something is wrong with your health, have a diagnosis where you need help because things are a bit unstable.  What should you ALWAYS do?

Track things! Get a calendar, mark things down like a journal and monitor every and all changes! It doesn’t matter how small.

There were so many variables that took me so long.  The largest being my head such a disaster.  Head injuries can, to whatever degree, turn you into a wreck.  I still have both retrograde and anterograde amnesia from one.

A few episodes happened when I was discharged, but I didn’t clue in to write down dates.  They also just resolved with time.  Not a lot of time either.  Maybe two hours at most, and they were hardly as intense as before.

Everyone was still so focussed on a stroke at first, waiting for me to get my MRI, see its results…  That was going to take a month or more

Recently, I had two other episodes. They were one day after the other.  I certainly need to journal or track that!

The second one wouldn’t resolve after five hours, and was almost as bad as the one that sent me to hospital originally in July.

I finally broke down and went to hospital as I just couldn’t stand it anymore.  Yes, I am a VERY stubborn patient.  Don’t be like me!

I hadn’t thrown up like the first time, but guess how the Paramedics found me? Hunched down down on my knees with my head hung over the the toilet bowl. 

They gave me this traveling vomit bag.  It wasn’t completely a bag though.  It had a cardboard “box” at the top.  It was shaped like a Chinese Food Take Away Carton.

No offense to my Asian readers, here.  I mean it.  However, I couldn’t hold back from making a joke to one Paramedic and say, “This is what they give you when you have too much Chinese Food and it makes you sick.”

I was taken to a different hospital. Now, to treat the symptoms and “make me more comfortable” even though I was dying in pain.  Are you kidding me? 

Although, I actually passed out.  Are you seriously kidding me?

IV Fluids.  Standard.  IV Toradol which is an anti-nauseant.  I’ve had it before and it’s made me feel nice and floaty, but never knocked me out! Are you curiously kidding me?

Some other thing strung up and pumped into me.  I can’t remember what it was so maybe that doped me.  Are you illegally killing me?

Finally some Steroid. It was shot in liquid form, into my mouth via a syringe.  Are you weirdly killing me?

It was for “Rebound Pain” over 72 hours.  Okay.  Now you are RIDICULOUSLY AND STUPIDLY KILLING ME!

This is the best hospital in our city.  I want to go there ALL the time.  It’s only that they didn’t know the history (now irrelevant) and how to treat me properly (now irrelevant.)

Although, I will be going back to an EYE CLINIC they have there.  Yes, Clinic.  Not just some Dr. Who Knows.  I think even a Neuro Opthamologist.  Awesome!

Does anyone out there remember my TASE? Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? If you don’t, you can search for the Horror Show on the rest of my Blog.

It was catamenial.  That means, to do with your Menstrual Cycle and even days surrounding it.  I was lucky enough to have ditto for Ovulation.

Well, now I’m having the same with migraines.  I’m on my period now and those two one day after another? That second one where I had to go back to hospital?

Nothing has cleared up yet.

With this now in mind, I can EASILY track all the others from dates of my cycles.

This is a disaster.  More than.  Sweetie GP has been on vacation for the month of August.  I have an appointment soon.  She’ll probably agree with me:

WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO YOUR NEW GYNECOLOGIST FOR THAT PARTIAL HYSTERECTOMY NOW!!!

No kidding.  I have to stop getting my period! Moreover, I won’t even bring my anemia and how bad that is into all of this.

Also, Non-Arsey Neuro is going to call me as he’s away for a bit now too.  Stupid Summer Vacations! *laughing*

I will be suffering for a long time.  None of this will be resolved anytime soon.

I have to try for some kind of stopgap.  My Triptans can’t handle this.  I’m going to ask him about Ergotamines.  They might be VERY good for this in terms of how they work.  The dose schedule, no contraindications or med interactions for me.

Another neat thing about some is they can ease menstrual flow.  But I don’t know if that would happen for me at too high a dose.

There is a specific Ergot derivative to do this actually! It’s called “Ergometrine.”  However, it’s not used to treat migraines

So, that’s that. 

I think this needs to be handled ASAP.  If these migraines are bad enough to give a stroke presentation, and they will continue to happen on a regular basis? What (else) might they be doing to my brain?

I already have so many comorbidities.  Right now I’m living in a perpetual state of a very significant TBI. One that already affects so much of my daily functioning. 

It also does bring out features of my other comorbidities now that I think of it.  Absolutely.

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Asperger’s Meltdowns.

Well, generally through overstimulation.  Add some stress on top of that? Okay…

WHAM! BANG! SLAP!

POUND.

I guess the above sums it up.  The vague causes it is.  Dissemination? Dissection?

A friend with serious, serious problems and he comes to see me every day to unload.

It’s not like I don’t want to help.  I guess I just have a life with issues of my own?

This friend has Bipolar and unbelievable levels of OCD I think a diagnosis is absolutely warranted.  That probably makes his daily, morning visits more important.

My Inzombia is at an all time high.  I’m so exhausted, I hear my buzzer after some, what, hours of sleep and early, I know it’s him.

These days, I hit the buzz to respond and say I’m still sleeping.  Nope.  Too late.  I’m awake now.  Goodbye pillow.

Rambling.  Nonverbal online? Well, unless you’re yelling at your own Blog Posts. 

We ordered pizza at his place and thank god I told him what an Asperger’s Meltdown can do to you.  That awful, terrifying feeling of being so infantilized.  The crying, mumbling, whining.

My friend has members of his family, one Schizophrenic, one with Asperger’s.

He also has a four-year-old son.  That was the BEST way for him to handle me.

I’m still here.  Wow.  How long have I been Nonverbal? He’s playing games on his mega video system.  And I’m writing this.  Longing to go home.

I just can’t move.

Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?


I FINALLY got back to an AA Meeting today.  I think it’s been about six weeks of constant interruptions that were really beyond my control.  I’m serious.  No excuses for any flakes.

Two visits to hospital, twice sick when one required bed rest for two weeks, appt. changed at the last minute.

Boy did it feel good to get back.  Home sweet home.

I’m trying to find a Sponsor right now.  I’m in a pretty vulnerable place.  Well, all Alcoholics will stay in vulnerable places until they die.  That’s how I see it anyway. 

When you’re an addict, it’s not like having a target on your back.  It’s more like having targets all over your entire body.  And it hurts.  It hurts A LOT.

Why am feeling more vulnerable right now? I’ve reached two weeks of sobriety.  The most I’ve ever hit before was about three to four.

Yes, yes! Go PA! You’re already half way there! You can do it! HUZZAH!!!

Well, if anyone is gonna say that to me, thank you.  I’ll take all the support I can get!

However, in real life, it’s a lot different.  Sure, day by day.  That’s applicable to so many other things in life! Not just me trying to stay clean and sober.

I actually haven’t been taking it day by day so much for these past two weeks.  I just wake up and know I’m not going to drink.  It has no appeal.

Well, I need to put some serious, bloody effort into things now! Day by day, hour by hour, second by second.

Because in AA there isn’t any “goal setting.” It’s not some Therapy Group that practises CBT, DBT or anything else of that nature.  There’s no mandatory attendance so you won’t get your wrist slapped if you don’t show up.

However, I feel like I have a “goal” looming over my head like a guillotine.  I HAVE to make that month.  I have to stay sober for the next two weeks.

Then maybe I’ll feel stronger than I was before.  It might raise my confidence.  Yes? Hopefully?

So here we go.  The clock starts now.


This is such an ongoing saga (okay, maybe three weeks?) but it feels like three decades–or longer–when you’re playing in a sandbox.

I fail to see how this Post will be therapeutic.  I saw my Therapist today about the whole thing and I’m still breaking down, freakin’ out.  I had to see Sweetie GP afterward and I was downright hostile.

I apologized but still continued yelling pieces of the situation where she was looking at me very concerned but extremely confused.

On the way home I emailed my Therapist to tell Sweetie GP allllllll about it.  Sweetie GP wants to help me, Therapist or not.

Then when I got home, call to Sweetie to contact Therapist about all of this shit! Two way communication is better.

And I still haven’t told you about…THIS SHIT!!!

My (male) cousin and I have been talking for several years after never seeing each other in about 20 as he lives in a different part of the country.

He wanted to talk to my sister (contacted in never how long ago?) She was so happy to talk to him after so long! Cool, right?

*pause for readers who can’t see where I’m headed*

A Truly Bizarre Love Triangle.  And I ain’t fooling you around there in some cases.  No.  Not jerking you you around or your chain.

All of the sudden, they’re thick as thieves and my sister is referring to any piece of information (like a dog to a bone) it’s always stated in the plural.

WE think… US feel…

He no longer talks to me other than a surprisingly, benign txt.  If I take one step out of line where my sister DOES NOT AGREE WITH she becomes the most cruel bitch you could imagine.

And she’s done it regarding all of this.

“I don’t believe in any of this Asperger’s and neurotpical! It’s just an excuse! Because you’re selfish! You’re selfish! You’ve been that way ever since you were a child.  Everything always has to be about you!”

That was only one of many calls.  Although, there were the cheerful ones too.

I knew they were talking about me as soon as I gave him her number.  At that point, all communication I had with him immediately ceased. 

You can only hold up the, “We’re so happy to be reunited after so long!” facade for SO long.

And I’m not as dense as I always appear to be.  Eventually THEY… got dense enough to give me proof.

I took a jump off a cliff to try and trick my sister to admit they were talking about me.  DENSE!!!

So here I am now.  I can only have light and funny conversations with my sister.  Anything she deems inappropriate, I’ll get blasted.

She holds me captive in other ways too.  They both do.  The speaking in plural.  He is hers, he never stands up for anything.  He clearly didn’t for me.

So not to bleed all over the screen once more, I’ve now lost MY cousin too.

As they go off into their own little world… telling me, “We don’t want to hurt you…”

I am now treating my PTSD by Communing with the Gods of Vodka.

Can you blame me? If you can, please tell me later.  I’m a little tired of blame right now.  Thanks.


I’m not talking about reeling in a fish and losing it.  No.  This phrase his a different meaning of which I think everyone knows.

That one true love that “got away.”

Did they really “get away?” And were they your “one true love” as well? What does that mean?

I think it means it’s a construct you have created in your own mind.  You have fallen “in love” (whatever that means as well) and you have become, at various points, a near slave to that construct.

That would mean you are possibility “pining” for that certain someone? That construct. Step back.  If you can.

Which I have never been able to do.  Or at least very well.

Maybe the one that got away is actually you.  You might have seen me leading up to this conclusion?

What to do? Nothing.  I’ve had several periods like like this, and the only balm is time.  Like a period of grief.  What if that doesn’t work?

It might take more balm, more time…and…the future unknown.  And yet, the future still being unknown, you might end up living in that construct for who knows how long?

I still live in my own constructs or a couple now.  Maybe not all the time but the women’s voices and laughter, and intimacy of course always come back to me.

And sometimes it almost haunts me.  I don’t want them to be anything that got away then.  I just want to hang on and be grateful for the time we had together.

That makes them ones that didn’t get away.  Even me too?

Written while listening to “Sweetest Perfection” by Depeche Mode.  Appropriately?