Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category


That expression formally ends​with six. Someone I worked with used to say it all the time. With six. 

He’d do it out of frustration, when he’d made a mistake, when somebody was going through a hard time to help or cheer them up, and always while joking.

I never understood what the expression meant. I’d never heard it before up until that point in my life. I’d always gone along with everyone else at work. I laughed and smiled. Inside? I felt like a total goofball.

At one point, he and I were alone. I felt totally awkward and ashamed (why?) We both loved each other. A lot.

NOTE: some Asperger’s behaviour with all of this? Can you see that? Plus, a lot of my colleagues were mean. Must hide.

So, I finally asked him.

“S., what on earth does that expression mean? You’re always saying it, everybody else seems to know. What the ‘fuck’…hahaha…is it some kind Orgy Rule?” We were both in stitches when I said that.

After we both gathered composure, he told me to think about it. THINK ABOUT IT???You, little… I have thought about it! That’s why I’m asking! Doofus.

We were both in our 20’s. He was a few years younger. Since we were so close (damn near in love with each other) he enjoyed with great pleasure to tease and embarrass me while working. In front of the public! Anything to make blush. Which can happen before a hat enters a room to drop anyway.

I told him to fuck off and just answer the damn question. Otherwise, I would beat it out of him. Which would be impossible without many weapons. I’m tiny. Even though he was thin, he stood about 6’1″ To hug me, he’d almost have to pick me up. Especially if I wasn’t wearing shoes.

Anyway, for those who do not know, the expression means that you tell everyone in your life to yes, fuck off, screw themselves, go to hell etc. Except for only six people. 

Why? You need six Pallbearers to carry your Casket when you die.

I was almost on my knees, laughing so hard. I could barely breathe. It was a good thing he was right beside me so he could pick me up. I really was that close to falling. He just smirked, satisfied he’d almost made me look, once more, like a fool in front of the public.

My number two? Well, I’m wearing almost “Death Bling.” Two of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry I’ve ever seen.

A very close friend I met so long ago “gave” me his Cross. He was also a very close lapsed Catholic. I dare you to find me a bigger one. However, his Mother was extremely Devout.

She gave him his Cross when he went fully through all the Stations. Confirmed as a young boy. If she ever saw him without it, the Bible and more would hit the fan!

One night we were drinking and fooling around, being our idiot selves and I took it. I put it on, making jokes about how Catholic he was, I was the better one by not being Catholic at all!

I went home, and realized I still had it! HIS MOM!!! I called and left a voicemail. Nothing. This went on for YEARS.

Constant contact back and forth.

“Yeah, later.” ‘Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.” “Let me send you an email in a couple of days.” “Don’t worry, I know it’s in a safe place.”

He died and I found out after the fact. What about his Cross?! It was “missing.” His Mother. Did G. tell them anything? I never got a phone call. Granted, my number is unlisted. But he knew where I lived.

Some people later told me after all those years, the constant excuses, never coming to get it, questions before dying? It meant something. What? I was totally clueless. 

They said it was because he wanted me to have it. I still didn’t understand and couldn’t grasp that concept. In fact, it still seems a bit odd to this day.

After a few years though, I think I might have figured out why. 

I knew he had ADHD roughly 10 years before I knew I had ADD! He confided in me, something he’d never told anyone else. His Mother had Mental Health Issues. And all around, I was the only person who really understood him. No words were ever said about it. I don’t think he could have put any letters together to start a sentence for it!

The cross is gold. 14K. Maybe an inch high so proportionate. It has the entire Lord’s Prayer in Relief on it!

ASIDE: Relief is a Coin Collecting Term. It means any part of a coin that is raised. The higher you can feel it, and the cleaner it is on the coin (and the cleaner the coin itself) the better Relief. Then, it is extended to all metallurgical engraving.

The second piece of jewelry is from my Nana. My Mom’s Mother. I loved it so much, even as a child. I actually became so bold when a teenager, I asked if I could have it when she died! She just laughed and said of course I could.

It is beautiful and obviously sentimental. A locket shaped as a shield. 18K. I can’t even begin to describe its complicated and intensely gorgeous engraving. 

Inside, there are two little pictures. One of her husband, my Grampa, a dashing, young man. The other, a baby picture of my Mom.

Neither of these are coming off until? Definitely not until we take care of Mom’s Estate! And probably longer. Definitely longer.


I was talking about Bedbug Treatment earlier.  They run like crazy through our vents so if one person can get them, in can be a bloody Five Alarm Pesticide Fire for the rest of us.

Due to this “New and Improved” (I love that oxyMORON) the MORONS around here are making us wash our entire living spaces.  And I don’t mean that annoying Febreeze™ commercial.  I mean it for real.

It’s even more fun because I live in a Bachelor.  Not at least a one bedroom.

Anything you can imagine putting in a washer and dryer to clean, we (I) have to do it.  Alright, a wee dose of sarcasm, BUT NOT THAT WEE!

Afterward, secure tightly in a garbage bag for Pest Control Treatment.  Which I find yet another thing oxyMORONIC.

I doesn’t hurt my other valuables that I would NEVER put in a washer and dryer.  Like my BOSE WAVE III.  So, if they’re worried about Bedbugs in every single stitch of our clothes, linens, every piece of fabric that touches us, why do we have to launder it over and over?

So here’s what I want to know. 

It doesn’t affect stuff on bedside tables, art on walls, books, CDs and DVDs, Televisions, dishes that might be out because you didn’t get a chance to wash them all yet, food in cupboards, misc. things on shelves, blinds, curtains, any kitchen appliances…

Well, why the hell don’t you just leave all the fabric stuff out in the open and have it all sprayed too!

Harrumph.

Oh, and on Tuesday they’re treating my place for ants and mice.  However, we have “special ants.” They’re called Pharaoh Ants.  Very easy to deal with.

They like water, so just keep any damp areas wiped dry.  Then they go away. 

Although, they can be Techie Ants too.  I’ve found them skirting around my Laptop screen when using it.  Maybe they were just curious as to what I was writing.  Either way, no harm, no foul.  They didn’t cause any damage.

Back to the Bedbugs.  I believe my Second Treatment will be on Thursday.  I couldn’t even manage to do all Preparations for the first.

You see, under my “regular” health conditions, I need to take a guy I know to go grocery shopping with me.  I can’t lift the heavy bags!

I also have him help me with laundry because it gets pretty bad going up and down, up and down… 

A bag of clothes slung over my shoulder with one hand.  The other, holding my cane and a jug of Detergent.

I’m not complaining here.  Know that.  Just the facts of the case.  What I will complain about is that our Laundry Room has five Washers and 10 Dryers.

Now, we have the above and a head injury so unbelievable…well, it is quite unbelievable so try to imagine it when washing my apartment with it!

I get migraines that appear like I’m having strokes.  Neat, huh?

A stroke.  Picture that.  Even on it’s own. 

Granted, sometimes they are not as bad, and SO symptomatic; waving a huge flag with every sign listed.  That was when it started and I first went to hospital.  In my Chart, they Rubber Stamped: STROKE PATIENT!

However, after Discharge I did have another that sent me back to hospital.  Thus, this “thing” is highly unpredictable.  And painful.  And weakening.  And EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

I lose a significant (more than?) degree of both gross and fine motor skills.  PA fall down go BOOM.  In fact, I almost did doing the damn laundry the FIRST time for this!

Wait.  I did fall a bit.  I remember because I immediately wrapped and curled my arms and hands around my head.  To protect it if I went all the way down.  Like my head isn’t (severely!) enough?

I’m also visually impaired so wraparound sunglasses mandatory.  Really sick makes being bedridden mandatory.  So can my awful TBI Sleep.

TBI is an acronym for Traumatic Brain Injury.  The term is generally used for a head injury that’s more than a bump on the bean that you’ll get.  One that won’t significantly affect you, and will heal quickly.  Like a mild Concussion.

However, a more serious Concussion that takes too long to heal, acquires problems, and possible chances something might not heal? Post-Concussion Syndrome? That would then be shifted to a TBI.

All head injuries can make you SO tired and want to sleep.  That can be part of the healing process.  But when stuck with massive, permanent, can be treated or not, your degrees of sleep can be astonishing.

I’m minimum 12hrs a day, but sometimes more.  On some days I would kill for more.  Caffeine or not.  Like today.

The information and guidelines to prepare for this Bedbug Treatment? It’s more like something actually written by the Gestapo.  It makes me wonder if anyone without any challenges could do it all?

Moreover, it’s given to you four days in advance.  Moreover, moreover, I live in a Co-Op.  The By-Laws state, if you need help for any health conditions, you are to obtain a Doctor’s Letter stating why you need help–and what your issues are.

FOUR DAYS??? I got mine for the First Treatment on a Friday.  Thanks for that.  So I was at least ready for the Second.  This was charming.

Despite my letter being Crystal Clear, I was told I had to explain exactly what I needed help with.  In Detail.  Then, the Co-Op would see what they could do.  They could only do so much.

I began citing the portion of the By-Laws regarding all of this, only to be interrupted, that I had to read them, “properly.”

I have a wonderful relationship with our Manager.  We talk, we joke, he knows I know the By-Laws back to front.  I do things to make this place run a lot easier for him.

Why is he not doing the same?

My emails to him now. *laughing*  I’m trying to “maintain” a Business Tone.  Have I reached the Antagonistic Tone yet? I don’t mean to sound that way.  But it’s called: Documentation.

I found a little cart I have that I thought was broken.  One of those metal, grid-like ones you can use for shopping.  It turns out it’s not broken at all.

I could use it for laundry.  Still, there is absolutely NO WAY I can do what is required (again, like I have a stroke, and only having a few days.)

I think I could do my laundry with my little cart.  It actually supports me evenly, so no cane! Completely irrelevant though.

I’m going to have more tea.  Try and wake up.  Then do a couple of loads? It’s so late now nobody will be in there.

God help me.  Well, he can’t.  Agnostic Theorists won’t make it happen.

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First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.


Yeah, back to bed after that one! Love, loss, I’m a loser where love is concerned.  Some kind of Purple Prose like I’m on LSD? I didn’t want to touch my computer, let alone look at my blog and what I had just written.

I didn’t want to do this.  No, no.  Then, I thought give it a try? At least once.  Couldn’t hurt except…

I’ve completely and utterly loathed doing anything in a group setting! Forever!!!

Class Projects (the MOST brutal!) Going out with a group of people–even if it’s fun despite Aspie Spazziness.  However, none of them can decide what the hell to do (the MOST frustrating!) Actually, in just thinking about this now, I’m not a control freak.  Although Class Projects can actually turn me into one!

This “group thing?” AA.  Oh, a “group thing” that could be the worst.  It could do me in for life!

I’m sinking.  I’m drowning (nice pun since my substance of choice is alcohol.)  I don’t know if I can handle it on my own again.  It certainly doesn’t help that the merry and so joyful holidays are here.  Plus a bunch of other things going on in wee PAs personal life.  I mean, they even strung up X-mASS lights all along our patio, so simply looking out my window will be a potential trigger!!! They didn’t do it last year!

Also, apologies to all the religious folks for me writing Christmas as X-mASS.  One reader and pal gave me shit for that.  It’s just a written expression of how bad a time of year it is for me.

So speaking of the non-religious (moi) and AA, Holy Cats and the Mother who just gave birth to her kittens!!! I’d never heard of this before! Agnostic AA! o_O  Moreover, wrap up anything you think/believe/feel into a ball and toss that in altogether!

Because Agnosticism is actually a Philosophical Argument.  I does not attack Atheism, deny it exists, and therefore trickles down to Atheists telling them they are “wrong.”  It only tries to state that since you can not prove it exists, is it all that unreasonable that it doesn’t? Basically.  I only got a B+ in Philosophy in uni.

So I just emailed them for some information.  There’s one location very close to where I live.  I might not make it through the holidays.  No, I probably won’t.  A friend is leaving me.  I can still visit but…ah, forget it.

Take care all.  Pardon all my idiocy.  Maybe that will help some.  My stats have seriously gone WAY down!!! You all know I don’t care about numbers, but to see a drop in numbers of your readers as huge as that??? My blog is tanking just as much as I am! *laughs*

I’m nuts.  I’m losing it.  Maybe I lost it a long, long time ago. *nods*


Well, actually I have no “plan” per se, as I’ve never performed one. I’m just going to wing it.  Do whatever feels right.  But let me tell you, just collecting all of the “pieces” I need and knowing I’m going to do it? Now that feels right!

Womb Twin Survivors have a tremendous obstacle in forming relationships with people.  And definitely romantic ones! They are the vast majority.  For me, it’s always been that way.  I write off all my disastrous friendships falling apart or not even working period, to having Asperger’s.  Bar None!

A thought occurred to me the other day that morphed into a massive trigger.  By the end of the night, you might as well have stamped, “HOLY SHIT! FUCK ME! OH MY GOD! NO!” all over my entire body.  Just that one thing began a cascade of things back to my teenage years up to a few years ago.

I have Dissociative Amnesia.  It falls under several categories of Dissociative Disorders.  Mine is SO extreme, I can’t remember basically my entire childhood, massive chunks of my teenage years and still my adult ones! No, huge per centages of the last two.  It’s so hard to put a number on it–BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! *rolls around crazy and laughs*  Maybe 70% to 80%? 60%?

So for a trigger to take me back to HALF of my Dissociative Amnesiac Mind? For that much, it’s huge.  Since my Dissociative Amnesia is SO HUGE you know it’s locking up a HUGE amount of trauma.

The next day, I managed to calm down a bit.  Even the day before when such grand PTSD HELL was shitting itself all over my head, I was madly scribbling down notes that were a total mess.  I had to record every single thought before I “lost it.”  Back into my potentially, deadly Pandora’s Box.

So what exactly IS the problem with Womb Twin Survivors and romantic relationships? They are continually looking for their lost (i.e. dead) twin.  Or it could be twins.  Yes, you can be a multiple twin survivor as I am.  It’s actually almost like I have DID. However, please see my category for some insight on that! Yet, please feel free to comment on it here!

Now, how on earth would it be possible to try and find your dead twin in a relationship with someone living that you love, want to plan your entire future with, get married, have children etc.  There is a very simple answer to that: YOU CANT!!!

When your twin/s bonded with you in the womb and then died? Make no mistake.  You lost a part of you.  A bigger part of you than you could possibly imagine.  Trust all of us Womb Twin Survivors and med geek PA.  Embryos go SO FAST and the neurological and biological connections grow out of control within the first to second trimesters (think of miscarriages?)

Nevertheless, it is an enduring problem for all of us.  It’s a trap. So elusive; so painful.  Because it’s a cycle and we don’t even know it’s happening! Then it becomes a cycle with the mates we find ourselves involved with.

Everything that crashed down upon me recently made me realize it.  I found it.  I found “them.”  Or at least as many of them as I could remember.  All of the women I had fallen in love with in trying to find something related to…searching for…what was missing…  In being a Womb Twin Survivor.  I was looking for my dead twin (or my twins as the case turned out to be.)

One question might be lingering in your mind after reading this. What about my existing twins.  What about my relationships with Melissa, Jason, Amelia and Bruce?

I had a discussion with them all prior regarding this issue.  I told them that I know you guys already! I know your personalities, I know what you’re all about.  That said, how could I be looking for anything in YOU regarding any romantic relationships?

They’re quite a bunch! We’re One Big Happy Family!

They told me nothing.  Since I already “had” what I needed from them, it was ultimately a nonstarter.  In essence, it “was” almost like a DID Integration Process–and an extremely complete one–although they still have the capacity to change.  The twins and DID? I’ve said this before.  Picture some sort of Venn Diagram.

They told me to look for the signs.  Therefore, the circle of the trigger, all of those women, and finally my Ritual.  I have something representing each one of them.  All of those women. And all of those things are going to “go away.”


The last post I wrote was totally stupid! And so am I for publishing it! I deleted it.

Stupid, both in the way I wrote it, and repeating again: I might not be here for a while, or who knows?

Not to mention, WTF about the South London folks? Not a slight, my dear UK readers.  NEVER! I love you all.  I love everyone who comes here!

Just more proof that my brain isn’t working (so well?)

If I’m not here, then I’m not here.

It’s as simple as that.

See ya!


If you happen to stumble upon this since it is Part II, you may want to read this first.  My mala “broke” slightly when I was taking off my jacket last night.  Its main/front bead slid right off the thread that held the entire bracelet together.

I fixed it, but obviously it would be prone to happen again.  Then, each other bead may do the same.  At that point, I would finally be left with one single piece of string that would still be far too big for my wrist.  In fact, it would be bigger than before as all the beads had fallen off!

I pondered this for a little while.  First it was the loss.  Then came the fact that it was falling apart completely.  What could it all mean?

In the above post, I suggested strongly not to act like a human earthquake, trying to find something you lost that was important to you (or other important things.)  I kept tearing my apartment to bits when I lost it.  That’s not a good way to handle things.  I also forgot to mention that I found my mala out of the blue, while adjusting a floor lamp!

What about it falling apart? That’s another way of losing it, but potentially permanently! What is all of this loss and destruction, my Buddhist mala disappearing to keep me grounded! I’m also no longer wearing it.

It means that I don’t need it.  Not that it is now a useless piece of material trash to throw in the garbage.  Of course not! It’s a Buddhist mala!

I’m doing something that I need to do right now.  It’s actually something I’ve never done before, and it’s quite daunting.  However, in order to make the process work, or to do the work I need to do, is to stay very grounded and remain in the present.  At all times. No matter how hard that may be, I have to do it! Or keep trying to do it!

No more mala? It means I’m on the right track.  The choice I made was correct.

It’s not like I’m going to become a Buddhist Nun or anything. *laughing*  Though I have taken a “Vow of Silence” one could say.  And in remaining in the present as much as I can, the present will tell me when I no longer have to remain silent.


A “mala” is similar to a Catholic Rosary.  It can be used to count (not literally, you’re meditating!) your recitations, or sometimes just run through the beads in order to try and clear your mind and keep you grounded.

I have one but had completely forgotten it as I bought it years ago.  I found it when I was looking for my Pride Rings (also bought years ago.)  As soon as I saw it, WHOOP! Strait back on the wrist! There are larger ones, of course.

I have to be very, very careful with my mala now! I’ve lost weight from being sick and it very easily can slide right off me.  In fact, I need a new Medic-Alert bracelet and have to change its size as well.

Alright.  So, not long ago, I was taking off one of my hoodies and CRAP! Although, I heard it fall.  Somewhere.

A few days ago, I turned my entire apartment upside down, inside out, all over (well more than it already is) in search of MY PRECIOUS MALA!!!  I didn’t find it.  I did the same thing the next day.  Then I did it again the next day.  It was starting to make me go out of my mind.

Then I realized something I had forgotten.  When it first fell off, I knew it was in my apartment.  I was not exactly happy I couldn’t find it, but I was not exactly surprised as this wasn’t the first time it had fallen off.  I said to myself, “Oh, don’t worry.  It’s in here somewhere.  It’ll turn up eventually.”

I see.

Boy, did I ever see when I realized I had temporarily forgotten that.  It was then I learned the lesson.

If you lose something in your life that is so very important, or if you’re desperately seeking something that has such importance as well? DON’T DO WHAT I DID TO MY APARTMENT! *laughing*  No, I am being serious.  Try to be kind, gentle and patient surrounding whatever the issue.  Even better, go back to what I “forgot.”  The notion that I knew it was “somewhere” and eventually it would be found.  Then, I “forgot” in another way.  I forgot about my mala completely.

I’m not saying “forgetting” what you are so bound to (even with intense emotional ties attached) will be easy.  It can be difficult to take any single thought and set it aside at times.  Even being “kind, gentle and patient” to a stranger can make us all want to explode at points.

I’m also not saying that you will get exactly what you are seeking either.  That might make you disappointed.  However, by doing the above, what have you got to lose? As a matter of fact, you have everything to gain! You may end up with other very important things being dropped in your lap that you never would have imagined.

I’m going to leave you with another said “lesson.”  Hell, it’s not like I’m some Guru or anything! You could all think this is a big load of crap! Nonetheless.

I woke up in a foul mood today.  In fact, I was foul last night as well.  I was so angry! We all get angry, but why? I’m not asking you for actual specifics, I want you to ponder something else.  However, the specifics fit in as why would you be angry? Let us not dispense with logic when discussing philosophy! *smirks*

When you are angry at something (and I definitely think when it applies to someone) stop and think for a minute.  And as above, TRY.  In your burning flames of pure ire…well, okay.  Stop for a minute.  Perhaps what you’re mad about has nothing to do with the situation and the individual involved.  Perhaps it’s actually you who is mad at yourself surrounding the entire situation.


Today may have been was the day I realized the most potentially scariest point of my life. I also realized that no matter what the outcome, I had to make every day count from today forward.

If I could.

It was the most beautiful day.  So warm but not hot. No wind to disrupt the perfect moments to bask in those brief moments–the transition from spring to summer.

I pondered this idea, slowly rotating my mala bracelet (basically a Buddhist Rosary.)  I pondered what frightened me and why.

I’m still struggling but I have the greatest Blessing now.  I am no longer grieving a person I thought I had lost completely.

Some more encouragement.  A lot more.  To make every day matter. If I can.

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As per my post on November 11, 2011 “Can’t Find Him” tonight I have learned that my friend, my friend *choking back tears* Died.

I checked and we did have more recent contact than months but it was brief. Very.

I learned quite recently there was a pub nearby where he was spending a lot of time. To go there was my next plan rather than trying to track down his parents I’d never met in the city.

So fucking much for that.

I need to look for any obituaries. *crying now* My “source” is good but did he die when? Or was that the funeral date?

And the cross. His cross. Never, ever picked up from me (always wanted it left with me?)

This may sound awful but I just can’t bear to face his devout Catholic mother. Not as some stranger (Jezebel) who has his cross.

I will keep it. It seems he always wanted me to do so over so many years. Why I have no idea.

Selfish perhaps. But my decision. I feel I “need” it to remember him.

Bless you, sweet G. I love you and never stopped.