Archive for the ‘Seizures’ Category
I think I’ve used that before. When things have gone sideways, pear shaped, become frozen, completely imploded, people have been stalking me, I’ve been stalking me and many other things.
Here’s a new one. I’m now visually impaired to some degree, so forget using my Mac. Even tiny mobile screens can become brutal.
“Visually Impaired?” you ask.
Modus diagnosis operandi is Continual Migraines. Shrapnel in my brain, from being admitted to hospital for a Stroke. That was a year ago. Except it wasn’t a Stroke. It just sure as hell looked like one!
So it was probably a TIA then. They can present almost exactly the same way. The primary distinction is no damage or insults to the brain, whereas a Stroke generally shows something when you look at any/all parts of it.
Plus YOU can show a lot after a Stroke.
Well, my brain’s been insulted a lot. By seizures, falls, people telling me I’m stupid, and yes, prior migraines. However, this is a different braingame. Too much.
Migraines can mimic Strokes and TIA’s so I probably didn’t have one of those either. It was “The Migraine Heard Around the World.”
I’m not kidding. I’ve been through a lot of funky medical experiences but this? It was beyond belief. Surreal. My head really did explode. Okay, it didn’t but at the time…you get it. And my eyes. Psychedelic and black vision.
Try to imagine that.
Now, blurry, photophobia, pain cognitive impairment. So, sunglasses, don’t push using my eyes, dimenhydrinate, new med (Beta-blocker Propranolol) and cane.
Now back to my Blog after that fun stuff.
This whole Blog has turned to shit. I honestly think this is the lowest of the low. It’s never been as bad as this.
I don’t have the imagination to imagine conjuring a beginning to begin fixing it. Much less time. The first thing would be my Blogroll.
How many old and dead Blogs are lined up there like ratty, teenage socks, hanging out to dry but they’ll always reek? No doubt more than I already know.
Then, replacements. I’ve met so many great people with amazing Blogs out there. However, due to “Technical Errors” (i.e. I’m a fucking idiot) I never filed them along with my others.
“Look and Feel?” Oh, bloody hell. Just the thought of it makes me feel nauseous. And since I’m sick I’m already nauseous!
The plopping of my current template into (better said ONTO) another template can make you want to heave, simply by looking at it. Run away horrified too.
I haven’t shut everything thing down after so many easy (and difficult) situations. That must mean something. Perhaps the fact, that it’s actually not the lowest of low after all.
Someone might be checking me out now. Looking at my blog to find out more about me. I’m not sure.
But that’s okay. In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!
However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.
If you are reading, I hope you see this. If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!
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Hey Twitter People. I just got back from a 5 inpatient hospital stay. Don’t know what happened yet as for some stupid reason couldn’t get MRI while there.
Doctor pissed off. Me too.
Weird, unbelievable eye insanity, but other parts of body. Plus being true emetophobe, actually puked.
Like, whoa. That’s something serious.
Still having side/after effects. My eyes hurt so much. Seriously. The whole part. Want to rip absolutely everything from orbital socket to make the pain go away.
Also, I need to relearn how to walk again.
Seizure? Well… For Days??? Rather, post-ictal for days. No other things.
Time to put the zebra in front of the horse (stated based on medical expression.)
So too many things. Need MRI to really see? Doctor and I have same idea. Or similar.
People who have contacted or Followed me. I will be back but need total rest for eyes. So slow.
Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?
I finally figured out why I’m in so much pain while walking. It’s not me. It’s this crappy cane I’m using now.
It’s in heavy duty camo. Pretending it looks like it’s all ready to rock and roll (stand and roll?) But it’s not. It’s making ME rock and stand and roll!
So off (definitely!) today to get a new one. AND A TELESCOPIC!!! An absolute must for me if I’m rockin’ and standin’ and rollin’ in a good way.
Stick it in your bag or whatever and then just whip it out when you need it.
This is now where I start bashing people’s bodies apart with canes. Even to the point of disembowelment if they really piss me off.
I’m tiny. Even though the packets say I qualify for the shortest height, I sometimes don’t. Even a 1/2cm or a bit more will make the cane too high.
This woman said the one I wanted was impossible to use. I knew that! That’s precisely why I rip all of their merchandise apart to measure myself!
Hmmm…how can we even up things? Make this new cane short enough.
Wee PA smart. Wee PA almost disembowel woman in store!!! We almost got into a screaming match.
My entire problem is two fold. The length of the cane itself and then, when adjusting the buttons to the smallest settings, it further elongates everything.
The one I found was pretty outrageous. However, I said to her we could swap the existing tip for a smaller one. She told me that wouldn’t work and: TOO BAD! THEY’RE ON SALE!
OH, BITCH. YOU JUST WATCH ME NOW.
Looked at the cane tips. Got down on the floor like I was a human measuring tape and voila! I’ve already been walking with it and it seems just fine.
When I left, I couldn’t give her what she deserved. Lucky enough to be dealing with other customers for her escape.
Moreover? I’m one of those gals when if someone says I can’t do things that are without boundaries (and especially if I’m a woman???)
THOSE WHO SAID IT STICK YOUR HEADS FURTHER UP YOUR ASSES.
THAT MIGHT SAVE SOME OF YOUR HEARING FROM THE BOMB I’M GONNA DROP ON YOU.
SORRY EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO IS INNOCENT BECAUSE YOU WILL NOW BECOME COLLATERAL DAMAGE.
NOW. LOOK THE FUCK OUT ‘CAUSE HERE I COME.
Thank you for reading. Do you feel ill now?
A Business Associate and great friend no longer works at her job. I found out today. Via a bounce email stating that fact.
I went out of my mind. I actually started searching Obituaries since she didn’t tell me and we had just been in contact recently.
Why did she not tell me while still working on a project together and I was to see her this month.
I ended up calling and spoke to her replacement, I guess. I begged him to contact her on my behalf. To please tell her to contact me.
He said he’d speak to his Manager, but:
“Usually when someone leaves and they don’t tell anyone, it’s because they don’t want them to know.”
I’ve had some time to think and I’m wondering if this is pure, ADULTERATED bullshit. As in, shut your fuckin’ mouth to your clients here because you’re moving elsewhere.
She was too good at her job to get tossed out of there. Fuck.
That’s the apogee.
I haven’t said anything about this. The already existing HELL.
My Mom’s gotten the boot to vacate her house. With one month’s notice. That’s criminal but it was only at the beginning of May so it didn’t matter. So much for her to do.
She lives a distance from me but I’ve been trying to get there as much as I can. Squeeze her in between so many appointments, hop on a train and so forth.
Now, I might be kind of sick. Is it just exhaustion from all of the madness of too much I’m trying to accomplish? You, or rather me, can crash pretty hard if I do take on more than I chew.
But with a short period of time to rest, a fresh wee daisy! Not now. Plus things that…just don’t sit right and have never happened at all.
Sweetie GP and I are trying to solve the puzzle.
The exhaustion refuses to abate. All I want to do is sleep during the day. I can NOT sleep during the day. Once I’m up, I’m up. I must have a near death virus to give me an hour or so of a nap!
Doctor’s Orders: Do NOT sleep during the day. I cannot tell you how tortuous that is right now.
Couple that with Inzombia, things get even worse. Due to all of this, probably the craziest battery of tests to be done is a Sleep Study. Another Borg PA, but for sleepies, not a quick EEG for epilepsy. Yay.
Time to pass out. NEVER!!! I was standing in my kitchen and weak, spinny, where is my head? Gonna go down… Can I reach the counter with my hand fast enough?
That was a whole new experience for me! And if you’re curious about my epilepsy and it being a seizure? Nope!
I only have one type of seizure that will make me look like I “pass out.” However, it hits immediately and I lose all consciousness. I regain consciousness in a few minutes or a bit less. An Atonic Seizure.
A couple of more tests! CBC which is basic and always done. Then, specifically my ferritin to see if my anemia has gotten worse.
This is a fun one though! A test I’ve never done like the Sleep Study! Granted, much easier and not as insane.
Sugar Base. Or Sugar Line. Whatever you want to call it.
Draw blood and measure. Drink uber-sweet beverage. Wait. Draw blood again and measure. Compare.
End Result? What’s the deal about sugar and my body. If there’s an issue, what to do to treat said issue.
I’m also awaiting a ring from a new Gynecologist. My current one is extremely unprofessional and just plain mean.
With the new Gynecologist, discussions will be had about having a partial hysterectomy. I will keep my ovaries, of course. I still need my hormones! This is not a joke. If you had my uterus inside your body, it would be abundantly clear!
I guess that’s it.
I should try to sleep now?
Well, it looks like baby MacBook is still refusing to die. If you’re a Mac user, the worst (of several) things you can see is a gray screen with its Folder Icon with a big question mark flashing. DEATH. It’s like a PC’s “Blue Screen of Death” that no Techie can EVER fix.
Well, despite not working on the next attempt at saving it? Here I am typing on it still. Perhaps I should change baby MacBook’s name to baby Lazarus.
Personal Suicide? Hmmm.
Let’s start off with the fact that I have had every discussion about the issue, up down, sideways, backward, forward, diagonally… Discussions? Debates? Arguments?
The right for someone to do it, they’re not in a proper state of mind, leaving ones behind so they’re selfish because pain for others afterward, just plain selfish themselves. What else? Planning beforehand. Who was that guy? Some Professor? He mapped it out for ages and was “in a proper state of mind.”
Or do people not think so?
What about euthanasia? Another one? I’m probably missing more I have “discussed.”
I really am not “Pro-Suicide” but I believe that in some situations, people taking their own lives has some merit. When I was bedridden for 2-3 years, seizing non-stop, completely sick in terms of other parts of my body and losing my life–my prior life that I may not ever regain? Not being able to do the things I could before because of my questionable condition?
I flat out told my mother that I would take my own life. I would kill myself because I would refuse to live my life as it was for n period of time. I did tell her that it was n period of time. I didn’t know the future so I would decide on my own.
“Discuss” that one folks. However, I got better (although not completely to my prior life) before n period. Thus, I didn’t have to make the decision. Was I like the Professor? I had a plan? Roughly? Was I not in a proper state of mind?
Maybe I’m the only one who knows. Nonetheless, I didn’t do anything did I?
Doing something. Proper state of mind. Planning beforehand. This is tough.
For those of you who don’t know, in the beginning of 2011 I made a suicide attempt. And a big one.
Not that this is a “Suicide Guide Blog” but pissing about with chucking a bottle of pills (which I don’t advise) down your throat will only make you sick. I’ve done it twice.
On the aforementioned date, I don’t even know how many drugs (aka pills from my many bottles of meds) I gulped down with a bottle of Red Wine.
If you care to look at my Page: “Been There, Done That…Psych Med, Lab Rat!” it not only lists all of the meds I’ve been on but updates at the end once I started to get on different meds to find a cocktail to stabilize me. The majority at the top were ADs that I cannot take being Bipolar. Some Bipolar folks can take them but they make me even worse.
That time, the only thing I remember was shoving loads of pills down my throat, trying to get help, saying fuck it, taking more until I felt unbelievably sick. Memory gone.
Then I was found by one of the tenants in our house in the snow with no coat on. Sound weird? Later, I pieced it all together. Complex partial seizure. I’m always unconscious (lack of clothing) injuries on hand, torn clothing and maybe a tonic-clonic that followed (not uncommon) because I had a massive TBI. Straight to the ER, straight to the ICU. In a coma for a few days.
Why did I do this? Life was sucky, but there was a specific reason. And this reason had been on my mind for a long time. Was I impulsive like my two prior attempts by throwing bottles of my meds down my throat with wine as a chaser, or did I think it was, “the right time.”
Because if I had the idea why for so long, was it really impulsive? Could I have not been in a proper state of mind for so long? It’s possible. Your mind can do strange things. Perhaps the attempt was an attempt to try and escape that situation? I couldn’t bear it after so long?
Maybe I’m the only one who knows. Nonetheless, I did do something, didn’t I?
I suffered a lot from it obviously. I’ve been told I’m actually lucky to be alive. I always say I did die. For without having the life support of the ICU I would have been dead. Yes, I was fully intubated and on a respirator, another tube up my nose for more support.
Crap! Cough and remove the tube from inside, cuts on the side of my mouth! It’s all taped to your face. Thoracic.
But I don’t remember any of that. Well, fabric restraints in case I woke up, all out of mind and tried to pull, tear everything off me and being intubated! If I ripped that out of me? Possible uhhhh…damage?
But the biggest thing is I have both Retrograde and Anterograde Amnesia regarding the entire thing. None of those memories are ever coming back.
Even when I awoke from the coma, everyone thought I was all conscious and “there.” Not at all. I only remembered a guy from the Psych. Ward wearing a light blue Golf Shirt.
Then I was gone again–even though I was talking. And it continued. Even after I was discharged. Just a few pieces of things that happened retained.
It’s kind of rare to have both Retrograde and Anterograde Amnesia at the same time. That is to say surrounding one event? I believe so.
Would I attempt suicide again? Yes, I might. That has always been written on this blog in Post after Post. I’ve never made it a secret. I am mentally ill! Or I have mental health issues, if you prefer. They’re not going away. Neither is my life in living with them.
In fact, I was desperatey suicidal last night. I fought so hard to just jump off my balcony! That wouldn’t have killed me. Just broken me up a bit. Snapped a lot of bones and such.
I’ve been skydiving so I know how to do a PLF. That’s what I would have done. So I really wouldn’t have died. I just wished that I actually would have.
In my last Post I said I was going to AA.
That entire prospect is scaring the shit out of me right now. My head is spinning and racing, questioning, “WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK???”
Intellectually, I know that’s entirely stupid. Joining a support group isn’t going to magically make my addiction problems disappear. But I’m still freaking out about going.
I’m so fucked up with my addiction problems and going to AA, I’m now at the point of of being suicidal. Oh, fab PA. Just fabbo. Layer it on.
And I mean ACTIVELY SUICIDAL.
Fuck doing a cutting. That hasn’t, or hadn’t, entered my mind since I’m writing about it here. I honestly have no desire to do a cutting. Just kill myself.
Oh, and forget going to hospital!
“Hi. I want to kill myself. I was going to do it tonight but I came here for help instead.”
“Why do you want to kill yourself?”
“Because I’m an addict and I want to go to AA, but I’m totally petrified of it and me not getting better and the only thing I can see is offing myself in the next five minutes!”
BANG! Straight into some Detox Hell I go, with no Psych or Medical needs…well, that I need!
Obviously not an option. Well, to admit myself.
OD? I have so many pills left over from extra refills and when I was trying to get my seizures and moods under control from losing my Clobazam for so long.
Think about it kids. I was UNDERMEDICATED FOR YEARS.
No wonder I was so fucked up! That’s why I’m now on huge doses of my other two.
Turn (CRANK!) up the volume to maybe save this girl? Nobody knew for sure but some magic did occur.
All the seizures stopped. It’s been about a year and a half. My Anticonvulsants do double duty. Epilepsy and Bipolar. That’s why I was also going out of my mind for so long as well!
Moods okay too.
Except now. I’m not cycling. At least I don’t think so because nothing before the serious business about AA. The suicidal thoughts? I feel better now that I’m Blogging about it.
So, no. I’m damn near the fastest Ultradian Cycler of the Bipolar Ultradian Clan. I’m like a Revolving Door. In and out, roundabout in 24-48 hours.
It’s almost a blessing in disguise.
Okay. I barfed, or bled, or shit all over the screen for you here. My selection would be shit.
Thanks for reading.
Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?