Archive for the ‘Self Medication’ Category


Just mentioned on Twitter that I’ve got WP back up and running on my mobile. Hopefully more Posts soon?

I’m just starting Propranolol.  Been a month now and the side effects are kicking my ass off.  However, in a good way? Like I’m trippin’ out on significant levels of Opiates.

I’m still feeling pretty gonzo with my second dose.  I’m 40mg bid now. NOTE: Update Meds Page.

Later.  It can wait.  I took my second dose not long ago.

Why Propranolol? Based upon a fairly educated guess, I’m now dealing with chronic migraines.  It can be used for prevention.  Maybe kicked off from when I had every sign of a Stroke, and was chucked into hospital last summer.

Wow! This is a bit of a Post! Writing it when I feel like I’m in between being on Morphine and Heroin.

Not that I’ve done Heroin.  Am I spelling it correctly? Have I slept with a Heroine? Do I need one? Holy crap! Damn straight I do! *laughing*

No, I’ve just talked to people who have used it and what it was like for them; what they experienced.  Did I ever find out what some people can experience!

Utterly fascinating! I realized why so many people could become addicted to it.

I’ll also say it’s utterly fascinating why I’m getting stoned out my mind.  Well, it is to me because I really get off on Pharmacokinetics.

I’ve gone through every med I take and found the answer. Plus extra stuff which is just icing on the cake.

Super-awesome Post to write, but hells bells no, not now!  I can’t even handle this screen anymore.

Laters…


I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!

*teardrops*

But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.


Someone might be checking me out now.  Looking at my blog to find out more about me.  I’m not sure.

But that’s okay.  In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!

However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.

If you are reading, I hope you see this.  If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!

Delivered by WP+Android=Technocrap


Your Liver is both a Recycling Bin and a Garbage Dump.  When you put everything into you, it all swirls around, various organs wake up or go to sleep, but your Liver basically has insomnia.

It works non-stop.  If there’s anything left that’s good from what you stuffed in you, cool! We’ll clean that up and chuck it back into you, fresh blood added, no charge!

Blech.  What was THAT?

This is the Garbage Dump Situation.  Too much Toxic Waste and your Liver.  Well? Who on earth has internal HAZMAT Suits for all of their organs!

It appears, mine might be more of a Garbage Dump right now.  Maybe? Not worthy of HAZMAT though.

I have a whack of bloods to do.  And one “serum.”  A, B, C…serum! There are no types of blood screenings for Hepatitis C.

Yes, Sweetie GP is thorough! Either that, or my Liver is a massive Garbage Dump and I’m really sick.

Hep?

It all started with an elevated enzyme but which one? I don’t know.  One nurse in the office wasn’t available to go over all the results and give me all the levels of anything off.

I know it’s related to alcohol.  Mostly.  20+ years of “Drink Any Man Under the Table Bipolar” has done that to me.  I wish it hadn’t.

And please don’t blame me for blaming it for blaming me.  Bipolar does many awful things.  Things where you have no control when not treated.  So I say, under certain circumstances, “Blame The Beast.”

But not all of them.

I can’t believe all of the other enzymes she’s ordered that she’s never done with me before.  There are basic ones that are always done with just standard Physical Exams.  But…

Still, here I sit.  Still drinking.  Right now, actually.

It’s hard being an addict.

And yet, she could tell me I have three months to live and I’d be fine with that.  Enough time to get my affairs in order, work with her for what I wanted and needed…and have her there.

I’m not afraid of death.  It surrounds me. 

Forever wanting to work in the Funeral Industry, working in an HIV/AIDS Hospice, pursuing a career in Medicine as a Palliative Nurse.

Attempting suicide and ending up in a coma for three days.  I still wonder if I did clinically die before being fully intubated and put on a respirator.  The records are too spotty to tell.  I should have been dead.

Why do I feel so scared now?

Is it because I had complete control over death in all of those situations?

Is it now because I’m staring at a piece of paper I don’t understand?

Is it a piece of paper that could lead to a place where I have no control?

Delivered by WP+Android=Technocrap


It took me a while to figure this out. 

If you feel like something is wrong with your health, have a diagnosis where you need help because things are a bit unstable.  What should you ALWAYS do?

Track things! Get a calendar, mark things down like a journal and monitor every and all changes! It doesn’t matter how small.

There were so many variables that took me so long.  The largest being my head such a disaster.  Head injuries can, to whatever degree, turn you into a wreck.  I still have both retrograde and anterograde amnesia from one.

A few episodes happened when I was discharged, but I didn’t clue in to write down dates.  They also just resolved with time.  Not a lot of time either.  Maybe two hours at most, and they were hardly as intense as before.

Everyone was still so focussed on a stroke at first, waiting for me to get my MRI, see its results…  That was going to take a month or more

Recently, I had two other episodes. They were one day after the other.  I certainly need to journal or track that!

The second one wouldn’t resolve after five hours, and was almost as bad as the one that sent me to hospital originally in July.

I finally broke down and went to hospital as I just couldn’t stand it anymore.  Yes, I am a VERY stubborn patient.  Don’t be like me!

I hadn’t thrown up like the first time, but guess how the Paramedics found me? Hunched down down on my knees with my head hung over the the toilet bowl. 

They gave me this traveling vomit bag.  It wasn’t completely a bag though.  It had a cardboard “box” at the top.  It was shaped like a Chinese Food Take Away Carton.

No offense to my Asian readers, here.  I mean it.  However, I couldn’t hold back from making a joke to one Paramedic and say, “This is what they give you when you have too much Chinese Food and it makes you sick.”

I was taken to a different hospital. Now, to treat the symptoms and “make me more comfortable” even though I was dying in pain.  Are you kidding me? 

Although, I actually passed out.  Are you seriously kidding me?

IV Fluids.  Standard.  IV Toradol which is an anti-nauseant.  I’ve had it before and it’s made me feel nice and floaty, but never knocked me out! Are you curiously kidding me?

Some other thing strung up and pumped into me.  I can’t remember what it was so maybe that doped me.  Are you illegally killing me?

Finally some Steroid. It was shot in liquid form, into my mouth via a syringe.  Are you weirdly killing me?

It was for “Rebound Pain” over 72 hours.  Okay.  Now you are RIDICULOUSLY AND STUPIDLY KILLING ME!

This is the best hospital in our city.  I want to go there ALL the time.  It’s only that they didn’t know the history (now irrelevant) and how to treat me properly (now irrelevant.)

Although, I will be going back to an EYE CLINIC they have there.  Yes, Clinic.  Not just some Dr. Who Knows.  I think even a Neuro Opthamologist.  Awesome!

Does anyone out there remember my TASE? Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? If you don’t, you can search for the Horror Show on the rest of my Blog.

It was catamenial.  That means, to do with your Menstrual Cycle and even days surrounding it.  I was lucky enough to have ditto for Ovulation.

Well, now I’m having the same with migraines.  I’m on my period now and those two one day after another? That second one where I had to go back to hospital?

Nothing has cleared up yet.

With this now in mind, I can EASILY track all the others from dates of my cycles.

This is a disaster.  More than.  Sweetie GP has been on vacation for the month of August.  I have an appointment soon.  She’ll probably agree with me:

WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO YOUR NEW GYNECOLOGIST FOR THAT PARTIAL HYSTERECTOMY NOW!!!

No kidding.  I have to stop getting my period! Moreover, I won’t even bring my anemia and how bad that is into all of this.

Also, Non-Arsey Neuro is going to call me as he’s away for a bit now too.  Stupid Summer Vacations! *laughing*

I will be suffering for a long time.  None of this will be resolved anytime soon.

I have to try for some kind of stopgap.  My Triptans can’t handle this.  I’m going to ask him about Ergotamines.  They might be VERY good for this in terms of how they work.  The dose schedule, no contraindications or med interactions for me.

Another neat thing about some is they can ease menstrual flow.  But I don’t know if that would happen for me at too high a dose.

There is a specific Ergot derivative to do this actually! It’s called “Ergometrine.”  However, it’s not used to treat migraines

So, that’s that. 

I think this needs to be handled ASAP.  If these migraines are bad enough to give a stroke presentation, and they will continue to happen on a regular basis? What (else) might they be doing to my brain?

I already have so many comorbidities.  Right now I’m living in a perpetual state of a very significant TBI. One that already affects so much of my daily functioning. 

It also does bring out features of my other comorbidities now that I think of it.  Absolutely.

Delivered by WP+Android=Technocrap


I FINALLY got back to an AA Meeting today.  I think it’s been about six weeks of constant interruptions that were really beyond my control.  I’m serious.  No excuses for any flakes.

Two visits to hospital, twice sick when one required bed rest for two weeks, appt. changed at the last minute.

Boy did it feel good to get back.  Home sweet home.

I’m trying to find a Sponsor right now.  I’m in a pretty vulnerable place.  Well, all Alcoholics will stay in vulnerable places until they die.  That’s how I see it anyway. 

When you’re an addict, it’s not like having a target on your back.  It’s more like having targets all over your entire body.  And it hurts.  It hurts A LOT.

Why am feeling more vulnerable right now? I’ve reached two weeks of sobriety.  The most I’ve ever hit before was about three to four.

Yes, yes! Go PA! You’re already half way there! You can do it! HUZZAH!!!

Well, if anyone is gonna say that to me, thank you.  I’ll take all the support I can get!

However, in real life, it’s a lot different.  Sure, day by day.  That’s applicable to so many other things in life! Not just me trying to stay clean and sober.

I actually haven’t been taking it day by day so much for these past two weeks.  I just wake up and know I’m not going to drink.  It has no appeal.

Well, I need to put some serious, bloody effort into things now! Day by day, hour by hour, second by second.

Because in AA there isn’t any “goal setting.” It’s not some Therapy Group that practises CBT, DBT or anything else of that nature.  There’s no mandatory attendance so you won’t get your wrist slapped if you don’t show up.

However, I feel like I have a “goal” looming over my head like a guillotine.  I HAVE to make that month.  I have to stay sober for the next two weeks.

Then maybe I’ll feel stronger than I was before.  It might raise my confidence.  Yes? Hopefully?

So here we go.  The clock starts now.


This is such an ongoing saga (okay, maybe three weeks?) but it feels like three decades–or longer–when you’re playing in a sandbox.

I fail to see how this Post will be therapeutic.  I saw my Therapist today about the whole thing and I’m still breaking down, freakin’ out.  I had to see Sweetie GP afterward and I was downright hostile.

I apologized but still continued yelling pieces of the situation where she was looking at me very concerned but extremely confused.

On the way home I emailed my Therapist to tell Sweetie GP allllllll about it.  Sweetie GP wants to help me, Therapist or not.

Then when I got home, call to Sweetie to contact Therapist about all of this shit! Two way communication is better.

And I still haven’t told you about…THIS SHIT!!!

My (male) cousin and I have been talking for several years after never seeing each other in about 20 as he lives in a different part of the country.

He wanted to talk to my sister (contacted in never how long ago?) She was so happy to talk to him after so long! Cool, right?

*pause for readers who can’t see where I’m headed*

A Truly Bizarre Love Triangle.  And I ain’t fooling you around there in some cases.  No.  Not jerking you you around or your chain.

All of the sudden, they’re thick as thieves and my sister is referring to any piece of information (like a dog to a bone) it’s always stated in the plural.

WE think… US feel…

He no longer talks to me other than a surprisingly, benign txt.  If I take one step out of line where my sister DOES NOT AGREE WITH she becomes the most cruel bitch you could imagine.

And she’s done it regarding all of this.

“I don’t believe in any of this Asperger’s and neurotpical! It’s just an excuse! Because you’re selfish! You’re selfish! You’ve been that way ever since you were a child.  Everything always has to be about you!”

That was only one of many calls.  Although, there were the cheerful ones too.

I knew they were talking about me as soon as I gave him her number.  At that point, all communication I had with him immediately ceased. 

You can only hold up the, “We’re so happy to be reunited after so long!” facade for SO long.

And I’m not as dense as I always appear to be.  Eventually THEY… got dense enough to give me proof.

I took a jump off a cliff to try and trick my sister to admit they were talking about me.  DENSE!!!

So here I am now.  I can only have light and funny conversations with my sister.  Anything she deems inappropriate, I’ll get blasted.

She holds me captive in other ways too.  They both do.  The speaking in plural.  He is hers, he never stands up for anything.  He clearly didn’t for me.

So not to bleed all over the screen once more, I’ve now lost MY cousin too.

As they go off into their own little world… telling me, “We don’t want to hurt you…”

I am now treating my PTSD by Communing with the Gods of Vodka.

Can you blame me? If you can, please tell me later.  I’m a little tired of blame right now.  Thanks.


I kept holding my little AA Chip I got today after my first Meeting.  No.  I kept holding it ALL DAY.

And crying.  And crying.  And crying.  And crying.

And smoking.  And smoking.  And smoking.  And smoking.

We’ll deal with that addiction later.  Although, Sweetie GP has a Clinic to help with that. 

Holy, crap! Multiple Doctors working in the same office and they have Clinics to help you with everything and they’re all in the same office.

The building is also a high rise with other occupants.  Quite.

This is going to be rambly as all get out.  Or get up? Ouch.

I took my meds pretty early hoping to pass out like a bomb.  Huh? Passing out wouldn’t sound like a bomb would it? I don’t know.  I pass out quietly.

Slow.  No? I broke my role of only two Valium a day to three to kick my sleep meds in the arse if they don’t kick in after a long time.

It’s okay that I do this though, kids.  No abuse of my meds.  All my Doctors know I do this.

Finally! But very fitful.  Then a few hours later? 0300hrs? Oh, man!

Had to go to the bathroom but MIGRAINE!!! Gulped my Maxalt but after that, I knew that going back to sleep would be impossible.

I’m so gone.  I don’t think I can write anymore.  Proofing this will be impossible.  I think you guys will get it though.

When my Insomnia gets beyond control, I find I can usually (or possibly?) get some winks before sunrise.  Maybe I’ll try that.


Fuck my ankle.  Fuck my sanity. 

When I walked in the door, I almost fell, shaking and crying into a tiny foetal position on the floor–after one person said, “Hello.” 

Fuck my Asperger’s while I’m hand flapping, and head twisting, pulling at my clothes etc. in the meeting. 

I did say I had Asperger’s to everyone.

*pauses for cigarette to continue de-freaking while stomach feels like an Olympic Gymnast*

I was new and wanted to come back.  Also, literally had my last drink(s) yesterday so I received my “24 Hours” Chip.

If you don’t know, they give them out to Members for various lengths of sobriety.  So, hold my lucky chip in my hand and no more booze!

Uh, I think it’ll be a bit harder than that.

I have to somehow relax.  I’m still merrily going through Detox and Withdrawal at the moment as well. 

That’s the tough part.  Or is for me.  Being a Functional Alcoholic.  Well, it’s becoming a lot more tough for me now.  I’ll bet my chip on that.

Valium can be used for Detox and Withdrawal so one of those now! Then something on TV to get me settled and all of this out of my head.  For now.


I want to go to my first AA meeting tomorrow.  Thing is, I blew out my ankle at Physio the other day.  Not to move.

But I want to tell Sweetie GP I’m ACTUALLY going.  Not thinking about it.

It’s not a far away.  I can walk.  But I tested a walk today.  Not good.

Set my alarm for tomorrow? That’s when I’d go.  Sacrifice my ankle? Because, Merlin #2 the day after, then Physio the next day after that. 

Maybe I best not.  I want to go.  I really do.  But I can’t fucking walk without doing more injury.

We get on so well.  We fucking love each other.  I’m in a lot of pain.

To hell with the alarm and going.  I’ll explain when I see her.  I’ve had too many stupid injuries.

ARGH.  Trying to do so many good things for yourself can actually get really frustrating.  Speaking of which, I’m actually going to EAT now.

Maybe.