Archive for the ‘Womb Twin Surivor’ Category


First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.

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I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why.  She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.

She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”

This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”

Sure.

So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that.  Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?

Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.”  Okay.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?

…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.

Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder.  Quite seriously.  Extremely.  Yeah, you get it.

Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a paper Silver paper Platter?


Someone said that to me several years ago.  After being involved (so closely) for those several years.  Ouch.  Boy.  Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.

I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep…  Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us.  Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.

It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less.  I took a serious personal inventory of my life.  How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life.  Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love.  It became so confusing to said person above.

No doubt.

Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably.  I’m pretty sure, definitely.

Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.

When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships.  Of any kind.  Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.

Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.)  Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.

You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?

Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.

AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!

Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell.  But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back.  I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.

Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process.  Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.

Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS.  She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!

Alrighty, then.  I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.”  So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here.  I know all about you.  If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing.  We’re all here.

I see.  Well, I trust the hell out of them.  I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!

I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass.  There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well.  No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?

Then they’re just empty holes as well.


Yep.  Lots of reasons but I’ve finally peaked.  Or sunk.  Rock Bottom.

Emergency trip to Sweetie GP tomorrow.  She knows I hate hospital, but she also knows, I know when I need to go.  I never go.  I’ll be fine.

Well, she’ll be in for a surprise–and not a good one.  I don’t know which will make her my roommate on the ward first. The fact that her Star Patient can’t even manage to get herself willingly to hospital? Or all the shit she’s been doing recently.  Very recently.

That could have possibly killed her? But she wouldn’t have known. Passed out.  Too drunk.

This is the first time (barring the first) I’ve been scared to go to hospital. Actually, I think it’s worse since I’ve had so many after the first. I’m terrified.  A bit? Yeah?

Because I have to confront something that has destroyed so much in my life.  And I’ve been in denial about it for 20 years.

And it’s probably definitely made me more sick and more crazy with every diagnosis I have.

P.S. If I can swing it I found a form to get to greatest place I ever stayed.  Maybe Sweetie GP can push for it.

P.P.S I did manage to call Non-Arsey Neuro and explain.  It’s not what Harvard has done with her medication work.  Her moods have been fine and still no seizures since the beginning of August.  She explained everything and the most important (which WILL be on the form!)

Don’t fuck with this patient’s meds! We’re finally making progress from debilitating epilepsy, for two years or more or whatever.  I’ll be screaming, “CALL MY GODDAMN NEUROLOGIST!!!”

So sorry haven’t been around much.  Too busy destroying my life again.

I hope I can get in soon.  Can’t believe I’m actually saying that about going to hospital.  PA=TROUBLE.

Wow. Surprised I could write this but I have to get my brain going. Fight or Flight? Or Fright.


I found out.  The person from my post earlier today is still alive.  Hospital.  Pretty sick I think, but gonna make it.  Still waiting for updates.

Want to talk to them as soon as I can.  It was the strongest feeling I

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Yes, quite a title that.  Not enough room for all the really insane things I’ve been doing straight since the morn’.  I want to sleep. Right.  Sure.  I want to stop shaking.  Valium?

Breakfast: A tin of fizzy water, Gravol and cigarettes.  Oh, meds too.

Lunch: Valium and cigarettes.

Have I reached a breaking point? I’ve been crying about it before. Now I just can’t stop.  My T-shirt is covered in so many tears, it’s actually making me cold.  Turn up the heat.

The first phrase is true.  I’ve been that way for a bit, but it’s been increasing exponentially.  So much, that I haven’t even left the house for almost a week.  I think I’ve changed my pyjama bottoms.

Because, that’s almost as long ago as when it happened.  And I can’t hear back from them.  And now I’m so unbelievably, incredibly upset to turn on my goddamn mobile when its battery dies, because I KNOW there won’t be emails, txts, anything.

YES!!! HATE ME LATER if you read this, but I lost it somewhat less, when I unconsciously realized it a few days ago.

The first time I “was on the other end of the ca…”  BUT DON’T YOU DARE SAY I WASN’T UPSET TO BE THERE!!! YOU CAN HATE ME FOR THAT, BUT I’LL HATE YOU RIGHT BACK!!! NEED YOU TO CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!!!

…i was only reminded of the times i did it to so many others and felt like total shit and…(oh, dear god, the one in the other country! now i know how you felt! this person is in another country too! i wish i could tell you, the one who…) *filled to brim with different kind of pain*

I got a txt.  1.5 hours of (whether you believe it or not) “psychic” and other psychological means, of getting a friend through not committing suicide.

The psychic stuff would be a whole other post.  I still may not be able to prove it to you, but ever since I was a wee sprite! The stories I could tell you.

It worked? As far as I can tell.  Some stuff taken but not enough for an OD.  However two days later, just how part of the communication has always worked for me.  I missed something over the phone! Dammit!

As mentioned above, this person is not in the same country.  I cannot reach them.  At all.  Period.

This person needs time to recover after overwhelming and traumatic events.  This I know.  This I also know: it has been the longest length of time where we have not been in contact after they taken time to recover–at least to say something.  Although, I would say THIS event would be considered VERY traumatic?

I also know what this person says too.  Every single time they are gone to take a break and recover.

Even with a plethora of a plethora of emails and txts I sent, HATE ME FOR THOSE!!! HATE ME BY OVERLOADING YOU, BY CHECKING ON YOU EVERY DAY AND TRYING TO FIND YOU SOMEHOW!!!

This person may be ignoring their mobile and email altogether.  Or they may not have access to them.  They may not have seen anything I’ve sent them.  I’m trying to be patient but waiting this long? SO OUT OF MY MIND!!! 

As this person would say, something could be “jamming the signal.”  I keep getting a read on the status (alive, dead, hospital?) Then I’m wrong, back to another, or another, or just a blank slate. The twins are either right with me, saying I’m perfectly on target, or lost altogether themselves.

I’ve even given up trying to hone in; asking the twins for their help.  But my mind won’t let me! I keep going back.  I do keep trying to find or feel something.

Maybe I’m not strong enough, or it’s all too far away–even something jamming the signal on that person’s end.  Again, trust me.  You get TWO highly elevated psychics together (this person more than me though) and it can be pretty powerful.  Not to mention, as far as I’m concerned, too many links in our lives alone that would perfectly balance a seesaw.

THIS.PROBABLY.MAKES.NO.SENSE.TO YOU.

Welcome to my headspace right now.

I’ve crossed a bit of a boundary.  Maybe more than a bit.  Although it might get me an answer?

OH!!! HATE ME FOR THAT TOO!!! HATE ME BECAUSE YOU WILL BE SO MAD THAT I’VE DONE THAT??? WELL, HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU THAT MUCH, EVEN IF YOU THINK IT’S SELFISH!!! IT MIGHT MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH YOU WILL ACTUALLY SPEAK TO ME!!!

This person knows I was going to do this so they ran interference? Bugger!

Whatever the answer, it’s okay! It’s perfectly fine!

I went so mental with all of my diagnoses in the ugliest Easter Basket you’ve ever seen (aren’t they all ugly?) I ended up in the ICU for several days after attempting suicide.  Who the hell drew the line there to say yay or nay? I was in a coma after all that time! That’s a pretty bang up job! OD Grade… An A- perhaps?

This person’s clearly gone MIA, my brain’s clearly going (if not already gone MIA.)  You already know what’s gonna happen here.

This has taken me right up from the beginning of sunshine to my actual divided afternoon dose of meds.  I don’t they’ll make stable as they had been doing before.  MIA? Combination of PTSD, Dissociation and total Mania.  Oh, the Agoraphobia too.  I know the Asperger’s is waiting in the wings.  No. here now.  Rocking, rocking…  Done.  Click.


“think” I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday.  I’m telling myself that title, “This is a bitch!”

I’m trying not to get all of my fucking diagnoses get the better of me.  I’ll blow up and it will be time to say, “Goodbye, PA!” Nothing’s triggering me at the moment so that’s a good thing.  I think my brain is more concerned with my Neurochemistry.  That is alsogood thing!!!

Should anything trigger me, I think I could handle it despite Neurochemistry or anything else.  After all, it was several triggers that made me drink so much.  So much, to get me into this situation of, VERY, UGLY WITHDRAWAL!!!  Even more so, I think I might know more about those triggers–not just things that happened on a “surface level” I suppose you could say.

That gives me even more ammo in case anything threatens to make me fall apart.  THAT IS A VERY, VERY GOOD THING!!! I can’t guarantee anything here, but at least feeling like this is hopeful? *shakes head and sighs*

I think food helps.  Gee.  Really? I had a breakfast, cereal bar earlier.  Now I’m going to try and shove at least something else into my mouth (and swallow it.)

I actually HAVE to go grocery shopping today.  That will be a huge slice of hell!

I had a friend (he’s dead now.)  He ALWAYS used this expression: “If you do the crime; you pay the time.”

Words of wisdom.


I was complaining all over Twitter about wanting to make the world shut up so I could crash.  Nope.  Sorry.  This post just has to be written.

I’ve been feeling a bit sick lately.  Nothing that’s really knocking me out.  I’m just tired all the time.  A lot of “fatigue.”  I’ve even been running a “fever” on a couple occasions.  It wasn’t that high though.  I’ve also been getting these “headaches” at night and intermittent “nausea.”

Harvard’s been busy with a lot of changes.  It’s amazing that she’s been seizure free since the beginning of August! However, the damn moods!

10 days ago, she dropped a huge Topamax bomb on her brain because the Lamictal increases weren’t working.  Bomb? Can’t suffer in manic hell because that’s a huge part of this post!!! The moods desperately needed a massive counter attack!!! They were part of keeping me in this cycle!!!

I am now, (PLEASE, HELP ME NOW!) going to stop drinking!

I was looking in my journal the other day (which I had stopped writing in altogether–that tells you something) and I was astonished.  Day after day after day…I had no clue.   It can’t be social either.  Abstinence.

I remember I made it between 30-45 days or something, quite a while ago, months ago.  That felt pretty good.  Longest period in my entire life.

Oh! I almost forgot the part about being sick! The “fatigue” and the “fever.”   The “headaches”  and intermittent “nausea” too.  I’m (presumably) going through alcohol withdrawal.  Those are all on the list.

It all makes sense medically.  Alcohol lowers your GABA and glutamate.  It doesn’t matter when you stop, or how much you drink.  Then your brain needs to readjust those two neurotransmitters of this one and that one.  Establish equilibrium.

Well, how do like me now! With all the med changes, higher levels, the big “Harvard Bomb” 10 days ago.  Irrelevant, but I haven’t had a drink in two days.  My brain has now become a book where all the pages are black.

Apart from the medical, I’m not physically addicted.  It’s all about the psychological.  So ANY of my diagnoses can make me run straight for the bottle! That’s tough.  Since I’ve got so many diagnoses! *rolls eyes*

Now, Harvard gets to treat this as well! *laughing*  Two Diazepam daily (actual prescription is such prn.)  Ibuprophen for fevers and headaches.  Gravol for nausea.  Fatigue? Nothing I can do about that one!


Well, actually I have no “plan” per se, as I’ve never performed one. I’m just going to wing it.  Do whatever feels right.  But let me tell you, just collecting all of the “pieces” I need and knowing I’m going to do it? Now that feels right!

Womb Twin Survivors have a tremendous obstacle in forming relationships with people.  And definitely romantic ones! They are the vast majority.  For me, it’s always been that way.  I write off all my disastrous friendships falling apart or not even working period, to having Asperger’s.  Bar None!

A thought occurred to me the other day that morphed into a massive trigger.  By the end of the night, you might as well have stamped, “HOLY SHIT! FUCK ME! OH MY GOD! NO!” all over my entire body.  Just that one thing began a cascade of things back to my teenage years up to a few years ago.

I have Dissociative Amnesia.  It falls under several categories of Dissociative Disorders.  Mine is SO extreme, I can’t remember basically my entire childhood, massive chunks of my teenage years and still my adult ones! No, huge per centages of the last two.  It’s so hard to put a number on it–BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! *rolls around crazy and laughs*  Maybe 70% to 80%? 60%?

So for a trigger to take me back to HALF of my Dissociative Amnesiac Mind? For that much, it’s huge.  Since my Dissociative Amnesia is SO HUGE you know it’s locking up a HUGE amount of trauma.

The next day, I managed to calm down a bit.  Even the day before when such grand PTSD HELL was shitting itself all over my head, I was madly scribbling down notes that were a total mess.  I had to record every single thought before I “lost it.”  Back into my potentially, deadly Pandora’s Box.

So what exactly IS the problem with Womb Twin Survivors and romantic relationships? They are continually looking for their lost (i.e. dead) twin.  Or it could be twins.  Yes, you can be a multiple twin survivor as I am.  It’s actually almost like I have DID. However, please see my category for some insight on that! Yet, please feel free to comment on it here!

Now, how on earth would it be possible to try and find your dead twin in a relationship with someone living that you love, want to plan your entire future with, get married, have children etc.  There is a very simple answer to that: YOU CANT!!!

When your twin/s bonded with you in the womb and then died? Make no mistake.  You lost a part of you.  A bigger part of you than you could possibly imagine.  Trust all of us Womb Twin Survivors and med geek PA.  Embryos go SO FAST and the neurological and biological connections grow out of control within the first to second trimesters (think of miscarriages?)

Nevertheless, it is an enduring problem for all of us.  It’s a trap. So elusive; so painful.  Because it’s a cycle and we don’t even know it’s happening! Then it becomes a cycle with the mates we find ourselves involved with.

Everything that crashed down upon me recently made me realize it.  I found it.  I found “them.”  Or at least as many of them as I could remember.  All of the women I had fallen in love with in trying to find something related to…searching for…what was missing…  In being a Womb Twin Survivor.  I was looking for my dead twin (or my twins as the case turned out to be.)

One question might be lingering in your mind after reading this. What about my existing twins.  What about my relationships with Melissa, Jason, Amelia and Bruce?

I had a discussion with them all prior regarding this issue.  I told them that I know you guys already! I know your personalities, I know what you’re all about.  That said, how could I be looking for anything in YOU regarding any romantic relationships?

They’re quite a bunch! We’re One Big Happy Family!

They told me nothing.  Since I already “had” what I needed from them, it was ultimately a nonstarter.  In essence, it “was” almost like a DID Integration Process–and an extremely complete one–although they still have the capacity to change.  The twins and DID? I’ve said this before.  Picture some sort of Venn Diagram.

They told me to look for the signs.  Therefore, the circle of the trigger, all of those women, and finally my Ritual.  I have something representing each one of them.  All of those women. And all of those things are going to “go away.”


Why do I go overboard with people? I’ve worked so hard to keep my impulsivity in check. Apparently not the case.

Somehow I still keep burying those landmines so shallow in the dirt. So shallow that anyone would trip over them.

Completely loaded with words and actions that are so obvious. Labels screaming: “SHUT THE FUCK UP! DON’T GO THERE! YOU ARE GOING TO KILL THIS PERSON!”

But as poor as my vision is in trying to “bury” my landmines, it cannot compare to how I somehow lose all of my vision in labelling them.

If I lose control with myself, I don’t care. Or perhaps I can deal with “me” in some bizarre and surrealistic way.

However, when I inflict my loss of control with “me” over someone else?

Rescue them. I will not be able to be resuscitated. In fact, it’s written up in my Directives ever since I decided to take the job of planting landmines.

DNR.