Non-Productivity And Jolly Good, Another Cutting!

You know, this weekend was supposed to be some time for me to try and get my shit together. Get moving. Not so much. I think it would be lovely to say that my meds aren’t working but meds are not a/the magic bullet/s. No, this is all about me. Isn’t it great to speak about yourself in such a grandiose and egotistical manner? How unfortunate that it is under such negative circumstances…

I am so exhausted that I can barely write this post. Which again necessitates that I will need to return to everyone’s comments later. I apologise for they were all good…no, great. They always are.

Things need to stop here. The cuttings, indeed, no matter how hard that may be but they are not helping the situation. Alcohol consumption–no brainer? At least not to excess, as we always say, when it is so bad for us (especially in excess?)

Ah, the cuttings…the coping mechanisms…grab an ice cube and squeeze it, start snapping yourself hard with an elastic band, count to 10 or 10,000 if you have to, find any kind of diversion… This is tremendously difficult. And of course my cutting/s was/were not severe. Not bad enough to need medical attention. Although for the life of me I can not find any kind of decent tape that will affix itself properly to my skin! That being said, perhaps I should not buy any more? No more cuttings? Still, every responsible cutter is always “prepared,” as morbid as that sounds.

P. who I met in hospital called today. We were supposed to go out last weekend but he flaked as I never heard from him. Silence=unwellness. Then, we were supposed to go out today. He never called again yesterday so silence=unwellness? True, it did but he called today. My turn to flake although I did speak to him.

I ‘fessed up to what I did. He asked if I had been speaking to Merlin #1 about these issues. I told him that I had not. After they are done, I do feel pissed off with myself, frustrated, disappointed–all of that. I am quite sure that other cutters (or anyone who practises self harm in any form) can relate. However, I look at it as a “blip on the radar” and simply move on. I do not know if that is irresponsible. And yet, what exactly is the “answer?” The “treatment,” per se?

I have gone for long periods of not cutting. I have gone through long periods of simply not wanting to–even if there has been a huge trigger thrown my way. My moods have just gone crazy but I have never felt the urge to cut.

So what is my solution? Sheer will? Just fight and fend off the urges as strongly as I can?

I am going to try and do something productive now. Perhaps it will make me feel a bit better. I don’t know. Perhaps I will just sit here and do nothing, wait until it’s time to go to bed just like the other day. But if I do something, maybe an activity not even related to my future tasks.  That might just give me a tiny break from the stress of it all.

Again, I will get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks.

Pissed At WP AGAIN!!!

Why the fuck will it not upload my images that have been shot vertically from my digital camera but it uploads the horizontal ones just tickety-fuckin’-boo! It uploads them if they were horizontal so they are all rotated 90° and look stupid (obviously.)

I don’t know how long I have been bloody well arseing around trying to post this, fuck with their little buttons, go to their FUHQ page for help and also screw around with my next-to-nil HTML knowledge within the post itself. Oh yeah, I also went to page source and whee! CSS!? I didn’t even bother with that shite and I couldn’t modify it anyway?

If anyone has a goddamn clue, please let me know.

And yes, everything is showing, viewing, saving and la-de-fucking-da on my Mac properly. I even tried saving in the horizontal manner that WP was uploading them in to see if it liked it that way but nope.

Laters,
Pissed PA

Was Today Friday???

Shit! Not having a regular schedule anymore, I really don’t know what day it is!

No, really.

This happens when I go on vacation and it happened when I went into hospital a little over a year ago but now…? Well, definitely.

I got up and did my regular routine. Woke up, went to the bathroom *laughing* Then walked aimlessly around my flat for a bit. Then, I took my meds. Then, fixed a cuppa. Actually toot horns I unpacked some more things from work. I found a bunch of photographs. Why the hell did I have photographs at work? Maybe I picked them up from the shop and just shoved them in a drawer and thought I would take them home…some…day…?

They were really old too.

So I went through them and tossed a few, kept a few.

So, what’s the weather like today? Click on the channel.

Oh, FUCK! It’s Friday! I thought it was Thursday! I have an appointment!

Bugger. Get ready, run around, throw myself into the shower and toss some clothes on. Wha…?

And then my mother called. Oh, holy hell upon hell. It is impossible to get my mother off the phone but I did.

Fuck it. I am home. I made my deadline for my post.

Complete Avoidance Mode

Just tossing this up for Blog365 sake.

I have done nothing today. Well, I took my meds, have watched some anime. Erm… Otherwise, I have managed to avoid life entirely. I even wanted to avoid my computer and making this post.

Today was the kind of day where I slept late, got up and just waited for it to end so I could go back to bed again. That time is coming, I guess. Soon.

So tomorrow, I will hopefully get back into a sort of, “Getting Things Accomplished Mode.” Today is/was kind of a shite day.

I’ll get back to everyone’s comments tomorrow. Again, not avoiding you guys, just having some problems in the functionality, motivation and emotional departments at the moment.

Until the ‘morrow, then.
PA

PAs Cocktail And… *shrug*

I was having a bit of a discussion with beartwinsmom about meds last night so I thought you might get a kick out of this. Yes, every current med that is prescribed for me at the moment. What do you think?

NOTE: photo taken down as personal information was still visible even though I thought it would not be. Extreme thanks to the two bloggers that emailed me. If you wanted to know, there were 10 scripts in the picture and it was quite cute.

And I’m sure other people might be on more meds? Hmmm?

So what else is happening today? Well, I got up earlier and tried to knock some things off my glorious “To Do” list from yesterday. Uh huh. I grabbed a bunch of stuff from work and promptly tossed it in a drawer. That’s right. Something to definitely add to my resume?

• Extremely capable of procrastination and avoidance of things that are disliked, annoying and/or are simply too tedious to accomplish.

*PA rolls eyes*

No, no…will get to it all. And rest assured, I will not (or try to) bother you with my daily accomplishments. Well, unless they are huge and big shockers!

I’m trying to figure out what to do next. I’m feeling a bit more ADD and spun around than usual, perhaps? Okay, that might be understandable all things considered. I spent way too long on the computer last night too. I didn’t eat. Not good. That indeed was ADD full throttle: Hyperfocus Maximus.

Alright…best move along now and…erm…I don’t know…

Things To Do

So I got up today and said, “To hell with it. You’ve got to start making some kind of list or something…whatever.” This is in no particular order, of course. I don’t know if it’s in any order. Some of it may completely make no sense but still, they may be at least “options?” Or something? God, I wish ex-partner was still around. She was always so good at organising me.

And for shits and giggles, I’ve turned on the “Possibly Related Posts” thingie or whatever as I want to see how that is…ahem…progressing. No doubt with this list if it’s still all wacky and FUBAR there might be some, shall we say, “interesting” results? When I just turned it on now, I could only see it activate for my…wait a minute…

It’s quite random. Perhaps as much as the list you are about to read? Links are not showing up for all of my posts, some of the links are merely links to my older posts (I don’t give a shit about that–read my archives all you want) but some are to–yes, of course–totally unrelated blogs/posts! Actually, one was a mental health blog. Okay. Fine. Of the few that I checked, only two had the “thingie” turned on. Or at least for the post that had the link on my blog?

Forget it. They are totally UNrelated… I couldn’t for the life of me think why the people would come here. Or others from there to here. Or from Pluto to my blog. Vulcan, yes. My home planet does come and visit me but these other “random” bloggers? And…ugh…I’ve gone over this…why the hell would I send people there! I do not have the time to check them out, read them as it looks like I am basically “endorsing” them. At least to a new reader? Someone who doesn’t know from WP or a blogger not using WP?!?!?!

Oh, feck it. My blood is starting to boil all over about this business again. As some people have said on the WP fora, perhaps a way to see the Possibly Related Links beforehand and then decide? Still, isn’t that a lot of work to check out the other person’s blog? I don’t care if there are links back to MY posts but it’s just so…GRRR!

Okay, this is going to be a loooong post with My List:

Things To Do

1. Kill the dog upstairs who is barking incessantly. No! I love animals! Kill the contractors working on the house next door who is making the dog bark incessantly.
2. Buy an XL package of Depends™ as I almost lost something tremendously valuable today. Let’s hear it for the good ol’ ADD! And that would be an XL package. I would need size XS.
3. And speaking of pooping my pants (okay, which I am not doing…) Laundry. Which I am doing.
4. Clean my flat (an ongoing “until hell freezes over” task.)
5. Keep eating (also an ongoing “until hell freezes over” task.)
6. Sort through my email. Oh…I am petrified daily to log on to my accounts due to the volume of items from work. How does one accumulate so much?! Well, from not owning a home computer for years! One could not afford one. One could only afford baby MacBook v.1 just recently. Then, it got destroyed and one had to buy baby MacBook v.2
7. Drink lots of tea. Wait, I already do that. Does that still count? Sure, why not.
8. Sort out my closet and find old clothes to donate to Goodwill or some other place in preparation for new “femme” clothes or other ones that will fit me.
9. Get a haircut in preparation for interviews–or sooner? *shrug*
10. Go shopping for clothes. Hmmm… I can not stand shopping. Bring someone along with? Filmmaker? She’s good with clothes but a bit bonkers and might drive me crazy. Our tastes might be different too. Ex-partner? I think she despises shopping but maybe not to the same degree as I do? Plus, I have a couple of ideas where to start. Perhaps drag someone else out along when getting desperate.
11. Mail some financial blahbbity-blah form that should have been done months and months ago. At least my taxes are done…
12. Ah, yes…clothes. Wear my scrubs a lot. I am today. They make me happy.
13. When I go see gastro man for my next appt., ask him for a pair of his as he said he would give me some since I am such a Scrubs Slut.
14. Say “Scrubs Slut” in an evil voice over and over again as it sounds like “Redrum” from ‘The Shining.’
15. Try to remember to work very hard on my Dysgraphia in preparation for any work forms that need to be filled out (note: mine is basically the “Dyslexic” form although I am not Dyslexic–I just screw it all up, get this and that bass-ackwards, it’s messy if I’m under pressure…) It’s common in people with Tourette’s, AD(H)D and those on the Autistic Spectrum.
16. Unpack work items…ugh.
17. Update resume…ugh.
18. Find some placement agencies/headhunters (now, that makes my head ache.)
19. Stop drinking (oh…just a bit…?) *PA makes unimpressed face*
20. I found some weird courses offered up in a local rag…check them out (and subsequently find they are all inappropriate?)
21. People have suggested some job prospects. Check them out, what else is on the market and then sink further into depression?
22. Email and/or call outstanding people to tell them WTF is going on.
23. Totally tweak my iTunes library as a lot of stuff stinks and some more things can be added? That’s way overdue.
24. Reinstall some software that I didn’t do right the first time. That’s way, way overdue.
25. Call P. I met from hospital as he suggested we get together last weekend. He never called me. He hasn’t been well as (well…he told me) but we always play telephone tag and when there is a long time in between, it’s usually because one of us is having some kind of hard time.
26. I found a T-shirt design contest, however, see above software install issue. I have absolutely no design skills anyway but maybe I can come up with something crap and because it’s crap, it will win. This is because a “Crap Is In” motto is behind the whole thing…in their heads…so that’s the ploy and it will sell.
27. Wash my sheets and fix my bed. Or beat my own record in my own “Nutcase Bed Poll” on my sidebar. Honestly, I think I’ve already beaten my own record.
28. Blow everything in my bank account, renounce all worldly possessions, run away to some small, foreign country and meditate atop a mountain for the rest of my life.
29. Think of things I can sell in my flat to make some money.
30. Take up my mother’s offer stay at her place, promptly buy a gun and then shoot myself before actually moving in.
31. Tell Escher to “Piss off!” as he is continually calling me. Sometimes he leaves messages and sometimes he doesn’t. When he does, he always says, “You don’t have to call me back or anything…” He drives me nuts with his Passive-aggressive bullshit. Even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it. Not to mention, my life is hell right now. So is his but other people are giving me space. Just because he has this “pie in the sky, we are cosmic-meant-to-be-in-this-world-together-idea,” we are not joined at the hip. Nor are we “partners” as much as he might like us to be. I am sorry. I am gay; you are a man. /Escher rant
32. Keep taking my Valium/Diazepam.

I know. Quite a list and I’m sure it’s not all encompassing *wry grin*

Not A Very Good Day

Well, to start I had a very near miss with the hugest amount of bird shit outside today. No. It was probably the largest amount of flying faeces I have ever seen. I have actually had a bird (well, two?) crap on me twice. The first was square on the top of my head and the second (more disgustingly) was on the front, all over my sunglasses and almost in my right eye and my mouth. Blech.

They say it is supposed to be good luck. I am still awaiting my ship (both…) to come sailing in.

So, depressed, depressed, depressed.

At least I made it out of bed to go see Merlin #1. The appt. was not as stellar as last time but whatever. Excuse me if I repeat something you may have read in a comment I made on another post to sodajerk but I will elaborate more as it was something covered in our last appt. and in today’s.

I seem to be stuck in an odd form of “inertia.” Although some physicists may look at PA and shake their heads. But bear with me. If you can imagine my mental illness as a form of motion–even if it paralyses me at times–it is a form of motion. It can cause me to be spinny, anxious, confused, hyper…you get it. If we were to box up all of those different “forms” of motion and label them simply as the mental illness/es, that is my “straight line.” Now with my current situation, I feel compelled to “do” something about it. That is then the force that sends me off into another direction. Of course, the mental illness component comes back and I go off into another direction.

And on and on and on.

Now that may not be exactly right but it’s close?

Regardless, it’s fucking me up. There are things I want to do, things I feel I need to do but how the hell can I do those when I can’t even get my laundry done? I haven’t even unpacked all of my shit from work as I don’t feel I can even look at it, not to mention the fact that it also feels like an insurmountable task in the motivation department. See laundry comment, above.

So on the way home, I picked up my scripts. I now have a month’s supply of Valium/Diazepam b.i.d.! Whee! And hey, if I only take them q.d. that’s two months! Good lord. Am I now developing a lovely dependency on Valium? Well, PAs anxiety isn’t exactly pretty these days. I also got an order put in for Tantum/Benzydamine. Now, if you ever have a wickedly sore throat, get your hands on this stuff if you can! It is the best. It’s this green, almost iridescent gargle (but DON’T swallow it…ewww!…barf and not good for you!) However, it works so well. I bought another case of Ensure as I needed more of that.

I also stopped off and sat on a patio and had some beer and thought about how drinking really isn’t good for me and I should not be doing it. I know. Actually, I’ve had conversations with people while drinking about alcoholism, addiction and just how disastrous it is.

“Ugh. Drinking. When you have a problem with it. It’s just so awful.”

“Oh, I know! I’ve got to stop. I really do…”

“Me too. It’s fucking up my life. Bad.”

“Yeah. The things I’ve done…and now?”

“Fuck. I’ve got to quit. It’s getting out of control.”

“You and me both.”

“Want another and we can talk some more about it?”

“Okay, sure.”

*PA rolls eyes*

I came home and took a shower. I thought that might relax me a bit. I was going to say, score a point for self care but I guess the beer drinking kind of nixed that. And I haven’t had anything to eat today so now I’m definitely in the red.

Merlin #1 asked how my appetite is and it’s fine…yes? He also followed up with another good one: am I enjoying my food, liking the taste? That’s actually a pretty cool question for someone who feels like shit and may not want to eat. I said I was. Food still tasted fine. We did a weigh in as well. I still seem to be floating somewhere between 100lbs.-90lbs. so that is good.

I also saw my hairdresser while I was out. Great guy. Brit. ex-pat and we sit around drinking lots of tea when I come in for my appts. I told him “the sitch” and that I was way overdue for a cut. And that we might need to try something else. Not that my style isn’t bad. But that I was considering an entire makeover. Well, certainly a significant one. Yes, I think I am going to femme myself up a bit–for sure. That will be a little bit of torture, though. PA loathes shopping.

Well, I guess that’s it. I really hope I feel better soon. I’m a compulsive list maker so I feel I need to start doing that and just bloody, well, dammit try and get things in order. Argh.

Fuck Me…(And No She Didn’t And I Didn’t Fuck Her)

OMG. What a bizarre blast from the past. I was out last night and this woman approached me.

“Hi, how are you? You don’t remember who I am, do you?” *PA politely pauses* I replied with my stock response.

“I’m sorry. I usually have to do this five or 10 times to get it right. What’s your name again?”

“J.” *PA pauses again* Only longer. Fucking brain cranking away! Oh, wait!

Now, before I proceed, I don’t know how many of you were reading my blog back in June but these two posts I wrote might refresh your memories as well? Here is the first and here is the second. I wrote them both pretty much in the wee hours of the morning for reasons that are sort of explained. And bear in mind that I was still (more or less) freshly out of hospital that spring so I was still pretty spinny and wowie, wowie in the partying department.  The posts are kind of amusing even though I was so exhausted and well…I was kind of harsh on the whole “Straight Women Who Are Curious To Sleep With Another Woman/PA” issue.  I’ve just had some very bad experiences there.  I’d probably do it again *laughing*

So, yes…in strolls this woman who I hadn’t seen in almost a year that gave me a hellish night with virtually no sleep.  She was there with the same friend/ex-boyfriend as she lives out of town and must have been visiting for the weekend.  We talked for a bit.  I wondered for a moment if there might be a “repeater?” Would she end up wanting to come home with me last night?

No, she didn’t as they decided to move on and drink somewhere else.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  I mean, the previous result was a disaster but I think it was more due to her being absolutely, shitfaced, plastered.  I wonder how drunk they got last night? Not to mention my flat is a disaster itself.  But I’m quite sure it was then too–indeed.  And if it the whole event was as bad as before, I just would have ended up sleeping in my chair (or staying up all night playing with baby MacBook as I did then too.)  Actually, I did write in one of the links above that I got a few winks in bed.  Basically it was on the very edge of it as she was taking up the entire thing! Ugh.

So yes…how strange! As they left she gave me a little kiss.  Nothing too significant, however.  I suspect it was because she wasn’t as drunk as she was before? I’m not quite sure, however.  She did make a little joke earlier about coming home with me…  Hmmm…

Ahhh…One Of My Faves…Such A Shame…

And YouTou get the lyrics just because it’s so damn purrfect right now. Tubage to follow…

Such A Shame by Talk Talk

Such a shame
to believe in escape.
‘A life on every face’
But that’s a change,
until I’m finally left with an ‘8′.
Tell me to relax - I just stare.
Maybe I don’t know
if I should change
a feeling that we share.
It’s a shame

(such a shame)

Number me with rage
It’s a shame (such a shame)
Number me in haste (such a shame)
This eagerness to change

It’s a shame

The dice decide my fate
that’s a shame
In these trembling hands my faith
tells me to react
“I don’t care”
Maybe it’s unkind if I should change
a feeling that we share.
It’s a shame

(such a shame)

Number me with rage
It’s a shame (such a shame)
Number me in haste (such a shame)
This eagerness to change

Such A shame

Tell me to relax - I just stare.
Maybe I don’t know
if I should change
a feeling that we share.
It’s a shame

(such a shame)

Number me with rage
It’s a shame (such a shame)
Number me in haste It’s a shame (such a shame)
Write across my name it’s a shame (such a shame)
Number me in haste (such a shame)
This eagerness to change

Such A Shame

Very Tired And Knickers In A Knot About WP

As some of you other WP bloggers might know already, do not know, might be interested in or not… After they did their sort of “overhaul” of our templates etc… they also did something else. For some reason, it didn’t affect me right away. Maybe the rollout took some time to get everyone on board.

I made a post and then I went in to respond to my comments. Right above them all was a list of “Possibly Related Links.” Huh? I clicked on the links and Oh.Holy.Hell. “Related” my Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case Ass!!! I fucking flipped! Just how on earth did this shit get on my blog???

I contacted my “WordPress Go-To-Guy” Gabriel… who has written a post about it here. You might want to have a look? In my typical fashion on his posts I have commented several times in a row. That is because his posts (and other commenter’s thoughts) can get me thinking and then I think some more. And then think some more. It’s kind of: “And another thing!” “Wait, and another thing!” He doesn’t mind, though. Because I’m nuts.

I really don’t understand this “thing” that they’ve implemented. If you don’t read the link above, from what I can gather (after reading some discussion on WP until my head was going to explode) it’s something they are doing in connection with Sphere. I can’t stand it. I’m tempted to re-enable it right now for this post just to show you what it might bring back. However, since I have linked to the discussion above, well, that might bring a huge downpour of utter vomit. Linking to Sphere? Well, that might just bring me in boatloads of advertising?

I could write some absolutely ridiculous post all about being completely mental, how horny as all hell I am right now, the fucking colour of paint on my walls, my random obsession of the moment, how handy I am at replacing doorknobs and installing locks–I can actually do this quite well–it’s very simple, my love of anime, some information about meds, how I still have my first teddy bear and baby blanket, how my bed is again (still?) in total disrepair and continue to direct everyone to the “Nutcase Bed Poll” on my sidebar, that my favourite colour is purple, I am in desperate need of a haircut, if I can’t get a job in a suitable time frame, I am thinking of becoming an escort (high class, of course–I want to make the big bucks.)

Do you think that would be good enough content to garner some nice “Possibly Related Links?” Bloody hell I know all the ones about sex would. And my bed. And maybe even my teddy bear too would get tied in! I’d get some nice links to stuff about the “Plushie” or “Plushophile” gang!