I didn’t write anything “today,” as I’ve still been ruminating about my appt. with Merlin #2 “yesterday.” I know, it sounds like I’m in some kind of time warp, with the “today” and “yesterday” references. However, the clock has now turned, so it is “tomorrow,” but really, it is my rumination that has made me feel more like I’ve been in a time warp.
I haven’t really wanted to write about the appt. details. Wanted to write about them? *crosses eyes* Well, certainly some I can not manage to type! I’ve been thinking over the last couple of hours, though, about one thing that I had convinced myself to address, and now..? Well, now I kind of frustrated and feeling at a loss.
The last time I saw Merlin #2, he said he wanted to refer me to a Therapist. Immediately, I wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but I have extremely collaborative relationships with all of my physicians. I felt I had to give Merlin #2 some elbow room with this one. After that appt., I thought about the entire idea, giving it more than adequate consideration. I even delved into types of therapy that I felt would suit me.
This was actually a huge thing for me to do. I have problems with therapy. I can’t express myself, the trauma from my life and the end result–loss of massive chunks of memories–years, decades! Hang on a minute. Let’s look at that last part. Screw the “difficulties” I have with therapy, because of my life, I need therapy!!!
So, for me to push myself to do this (and yes, I have participated in therapy before with pathetic, and even disastrous results), it was a lot. I could have been a pissy, dismissive, “Smarty Pants PA,” and Merlin #2 would have still bought it, with our “collaborative relationship.” Deep down, I probably did kowtow because I knew I needed therapy. And I was kowtowing to myself; not him!
Well, guess what? He couldn’t find any Therapists that were taking on new clients. Fab. He even asked me if I could find one. I told him both my GP and I were pulling our hair out for ages, simply trying to find me a Psychiatrist! So now I need to find a Therapist for myself??? Oh, come on!
He did provide me with information for some…”place.” I can try there and see if they either offer something, or if not, know of anything? Short Term ain’t gonna cut it though. I’ve been down that route before, as well.
If I’m going to commit to this, as I was ready to do so before, I need the whole shebang.
If I can find it. Crap.
In light of my appt. with Merlin #2 this afternoon, I really can not think of a better song to stream for MP3 of the Moment.
“She’s Lost Control” by Joy Division
Should I do this chronologically? I’m so confused!!!
Well, let’s just start off with the fact that I’m sick. It’s just some stupid, viral infection or something. But let me tell you, it’s giving me a real ass kickin’! Whoo, boy! I woke up this morning and I was so out of it, I didn’t even realize what was wrong with me! It took me ages to finally clue in. Wait a sec’…you’ve got a bit of a cough…your sinuses…stuffy…oh, here come the chills!
At least I remembered to take my meds. I forgot to do that yesterday. I did finally take them late in the afternoon.
Okay. Clearly, I am not doing this is any proper order! Not even “Reverse Chronological!” Perhaps I’ll just type along and see where I (and you, my lucky readers!) land.
So when I woke up this morning, not being able to rub two brain cells together, I thought the reason was due to stress about seeing Merlin #2 tomorrow. I haven’t seen him in a fair while. As such, we have a lot to talk about. I am anxious about it, I am. That is because a lot of confusion has been going on beyond this mere 24 hours!
I realized I definitely needed to make “a list!” Actually, I do this for just about all of my doctor’s appts. because my head and body are so redonculous! There is always so much to discuss. Problem. I couldn’t find something that was Absolutely Crucial!!! I had written it down in one of my 1,000 notepads that I have laying all around. I kept flipping through every page, over and over (of the notebooks that I could find.) WHERE WAS THE PAGE!!!
ASIDE: I’ve probably left some thing(s?) off the list in my confusion.
I was close to the point where I wanted to strangle myself. I almost did when folding my sheets the other day, and miraculously I didn’t. Now that they are (reasonably), miraculously folded, to unfold them would have been a shame. It was fine, though. I found the page. Confusion Dispelled! Or at least one element of it within this 24 hour period.
The reason this page was so vital, is that it has to do with a referral to a Therapist. Fuck. Now, it is not so much that I am that “therapy resistant,” I’m just not good at it! I know I really need to do this, however. I really do. But I’m so confused about it! Especially because of something I was reading last night.
I really wish I wasn’t so “smart,” you know? Well, that’s debatable. I’m going to say that anyway, because I also want to say: “…ignorance is bliss…?”
I had one of those “Aha!” moments. Yes. It was bad. But it was also good? It was confusing!!!
Let’s hope that Merlin #2 knows this Therapist well. I am certainly going to ask. You can bet on that! Not to mention, I’ve looked at certain therapies that I think would suit me best since I don’t do so well with it–and due to the nature of my “issues.” I don’t need anymore confusion.
It’s been two months since I’ve stopped drinking. It’s alright, I’m not looking for a round of applause; no standing ovations. It hasn’t been difficult, but I wonder how much of that is psychological. You see, I didn’t really quit of my own volition. I found out that it now gives me incredibly, painful migraines. It never did before. If this didn’t occur, I would still be self-medicating by drinking. I may need to be a bit repetitive here, and with other Posts, as I’m picking up new readers. So, for some of you, I hope you can bear with that.
I do feel kind of bad about it–needing it get to the point of actually causing me such physical distress. However, I suppose the end result is all that matters. As above, because continuing to drink ended up causing me such intense, bodily pain, has it been easier? Of course I have always known it was bad for me! Again, probably not worth pondering.
Since quitting, I’ve noticed some changes that have been happening regarding my body. I’ve been feeling kind of…”off?” Yes, rather “sick?” I’m not dreadfully ill, but some things are making me feel unwell at times. Such irony? But before we get to that, some history for those that do not know (or can’t remember some things.)
I have a massive self-medication history with alcohol. It started in my early to mid-20s. This was prior to even knowing I had Bipolar, prior to being mis-dx’d, prior to even being properly dx’d! And let us dispense with all of my other dx’s! I was so wingy with my moods, my life, everything! Although, earlier in my life, I never partied or imbibed to such an extent. Hell, to any extent?
I also have a huge family history of alcoholism. Not that any genetic links have been proven yet, but boy is there information out there heading in that direction!
This continued for so many years. One would think that between all of my drinking and all of the meds I have taken as well, I wouldn’t have a single tissue of my liver left! Or even a single cell? I may have the strongest liver known to mankind! I recently had bloodwork done and it’s great! Well, just slightly below normal, but because I am on so many meds, it is no doubt due to that fact.
So, with quitting drinking, what is happening these days? First, my sleep patterns have changed entirely! This would make sense as combining alcohol with my sleep meds would knock me out for a longer period. I can not remember when I have habitually slept for app. only eight hours a night! However, as a result of this, it’s screwing up my energy levels! At least to some degree? I think? I’m up, I’m down…blech. Not that this change isn’t good. It’s preparing me for a more “regular” schedule with the world. What I need for getting a job? Still! It’s making me feel like crap at times!
Next? My Gastronomy (NOTE: used out of context.) G”Astronomy,” indeed! You could very well look up at the sky, and compare it to my stomach issues! I have had them all my life, but several years ago something happened that became utterly inexplicable! My symptoms ran the gamut from: IBS, IBD, Coeliac, Malabsorption, Ileitis, Crohn’s, Colitis, Cancer. I am not joking about the Cancer. What may have tipped the scales in favour (or not so much a favour), of that one, was losing 15lbs. in two weeks!
People, I am already very tiny. Chopping 15lbs. off me is extreme! Not to mention, I had already lost 15lbs.!!! And yes, that much in two weeks kind of got everyone’s attention. Tests were done all over the place and no answers. Other than “something” was wrong with my lower intestine.
I still haven’t gained all of that last 15lbs. back, by the way. I probably never will! Thanks a lot, gastro problems.
Now, back to stopping drinking! Some of my sx. have returned!!! I need to call Gastro Man. Plus, with my recent bloods, my anaemia is a bit dodgy again. Yes, I became anaemic for the first time ever, even though I felt just fine. My energy levels were great (not so much as they are now.) That may be more than just the changes in sleep? Also, we wanted to constantly monitor my Ferritin, anyway. If I’m at a potential risk of dropping back down, maybe we should just shoot me back up now and not worry about it?
One odd thing that I could never understand as well, was that drinking beer alleviated my stomach pain! Why? Sure, drinking for “medicinal purposes,” right? *laughing*
I was having a conversation some time ago with someone (yes, about alcohol and our favourite drinks), and this person said they liked a beverage I had never heard of. It contained “bitter hops.” They also told me it was good for stomach ailments. I see… It made me wonder if the hops in beer would work the same way. I could never find anything via research, but it did make me wonder.
Great. If that’s true: “Bye bye beer, hello tummy pain! Welcome back!”
Ah, well. Kicking the booze is good, of course. Irony? That one’s always debatable… *smirks*
There was some talk between myself and others hanging around Twitter the other day, about stimming on lights. Well, to any Aspie/Autie, hell…anyone on the Spectrum, stimming on lights is not news!
PA loves to stim on lights! Lots of other shiny objects, too! PA loves to stim on a lot of other things, but for the sake of brevity, let’s just leave it at lights for now?
PA is also a very bad girl when it comes to toys! Very bad! There are times when you can take her into Toy Stores, and she might actually need to be restrained!!!
I have been wanting to toss up this Post on my blog for a little while now and tonight, I barely managed to get the shots done! My battery was dying and I didn’t even have enough time to futz around with a tripod or… I did them by hand and surprisingly, they turned out alright? I think? Hey, maybe even better without a ‘pod as you get more of a “stimmy effect!” *grins*
So, okay everybody! Let’s Stim! Stim! Stim!
Who Likes Blue?!?!
This is my “Fibre Optic Fountain!” It’s sitting atop a bunch of other stacked, electronic stuff so it’s sort of like a “Geek Monument.”
Of course, it’s a total “Spazzy Asperger’s Monument,” too. *laughing*
Okay, hang on for these babies. I’m lucky I didn’t give myself a Photic Seizure shooting the pics here.
WHOA! LOOKA ‘DAT!!!
But wait! There’s more!
Are you transfixed yet…?
*PA at peace*
I’m sorry, but I just have to say that I love the above picture…
And finally…this one may be a bit blurry, but we on the Spectrum don’t care how blurry our eyes get–not when it comes to shiny and pretty things!
Now, you all may be wondering what is this thing? What could it possibly be that generates all of this beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous, outstanding, brilliant, shiny goodness?!
Well, it is this:
On the heels of already receiving consideration for one of the Top 10 Bipolar Blogs of 2009 by Psych Central, oh boy. I have now been nominated for one of the 2009 Canadian Blog Awards.
As above? Unbelievable. I don’t like self-promotion that much. Although, I am extremely flattered to even be considered for this, just as I was by the people from Psych Central. So, here I am in my Category. Feel free to vote! *rolls eyes*
Really though, I expect it to be a lot of fun–as these things are to be. Also, check out all of the other great blogs if you go there. Lots of Categories! Lots of blogs!
With my life, there is never a dull moment. However, sometimes these moments turn out to be completely, absolutely, over the top, panic-stricken-ones!!! Apart from my hair being on fire right now, I also can’t tell if my heart is about to explode, or it’s already stopped altogether.
I was busy just a little while ago and my mobile rang (I was actually on my landline at the time.) I picked up my mobile and looked at the display. Who ‘dat? They left a VM. After I finished my other call, I listened to the message.
Can you guys wait a sec’? I need to go have a smoke and take a Valium before I continue writing this! Thanks in advance for your patience.
Huh. It’s starting to rain outside. I stood in it. RAIN NOT PUTTING OUT MY BURNING HAIR!!!
I listened to the message, and then it sort of (sort of?) hit me as soon as I heard the voice on the other end. It was a woman from a Recruiting Agency, who said she had my resume and a job she wanted to speak to me about. AHHHH!!! (Note: I am not screaming in a good way.)
If you are new here, I have been unemployed since being laid off from the spring of 2008. It has been devastating as you can probably imagine. Thus, you can also probably imagine a call about a prospective job would be a good thing. It is NOT! Well, not right now?
The problem is, or at least one problem is, I am not “medically cleared” for work. In fact, I am not even medically cleared to look for work. I’ve been too sick physically, and out of my mind as well, that…ugh. I have an appt. with Merlin #2 (my shrink if you are also new), on the 9th. His goddamn hair might bloody well ignite if I walk in and tell him how much “progress” I have made lately, in that, I’ve found a job!
I have said lately that I agree with him that I’m not exactly “work ready” right now, too. As much as I desperately need a job, I’m hesitant that with all that has gone on (and on and on…), that I might have a total meltdown if I get too stressed out. Or one, big, mother of a brain, frying seizure? Granted, I’m still sticking with stress as the reason for those becoming so out of control since said joblessness. Although, a new job is kind of stressful? *rolls eyes*
Then, there’s the upcoming VEEG. A lot of places keep you on a probationary period where they can fire your (MY!) sorry ass for any reason they please. Well, tell the VEEG folks to push me down the list because of that?
I have no record of dealing with this Agency, as well. I checked their website, and like a lot of them–sneaky bastards! Nothing that remotely resembles the “job” that this woman mentioned, no mention at all of her on the site, yet another woman’s name regarding other available positions. Yep, reel in other unemployed folks like me! Gotta get the business! Gotta get your clients!
Crap!
I guess I have to call her tomorrow. Fuck, me! Prior to things really going off the rails when I was actively applying for jobs, I was getting nowhere. I have several non-negotiables, so the whole thing could go up in flames immediately with that phone call, anyway. That is, if I can squeeze enough information out of her. There is nothing more ridiculous than wasting your time, getting all fancied up to meet with a Recruiter, just to find out it was all for nought!
Still, the whole Recruitment Agency Model requires that they really do need their unemployed clients. Without them, they can’t earn the money from the paying businesses that need their positions filled in the first place!
This is insane. Welcome to “The Land of PA.”
Yes, this has taken me so, very long to do, and some of you have been waiting so, very long, as well! Or, maybe you’ve given up on me altogether! Well, no matter! I’ve finally done it, anyway!
It’s taken me all day, and into the night to do it, but it is absolute “Blog Relief!”
If you don’t know anything about it, I guess just go to the Pages? Hell, they’re done now, and the story’s there! *laughing*
Seriously, though. They have been added as Pages for both 2008 and 2009. They need to be made permanent, of course.
So, I hope everyone enjoys. I shot so many photos, so apart from procrastination, there was selection and then cropping and such. Regardless, DONE!
WHEW!
I’m in rather (quite?) a dissociative state now from yesterday/last night but I really want to write about this now. Let’s see what I can do. Apologies in advance for messiness, errors and severe “out-of-sens-ed-ness.”
Yesterday, it was my mother’s birthday. She’s nuts. Totally crazy. So am I but at least I am dx’d and being treated. She is not. She is in tremendous denial. Nonetheless, I needed to call her. I was extremely anxious as talking to her is immensely painful. She rambles on non-stop, all about herself…ugh. The Asperger’s was really kicking in as I was totally stimmy. I was going to my friend J.’s for dinner so at an appropriate stop via transit, time for Valium.
Our conversation was decidedly atypical. It was relatively brief, all about me, my mental and physical health and even more. A few years ago, she would not even acknowledge these things–again, complete denial. After this phone call, I was tremendously relieved, despite its surprising nature. I was quite happy.
Now, regarding some of the “even more,” I need to give you some background information. A while ago, I was thinking about my great uncle (my mother’s uncle.) He was always considered “odd.” So much of an understatement there. He would have been “medically dx’d” as “retarded.” I had brief memories of him as a child but now, since my own dx. of Asperger’s, a massive sledgehammer has hit me over the head: He’s Autistic! Even after a few, simple questions to my mother, suspicions confirmed.
I had suggested to go for a visit to see them. Them, meaning his older sister, as well. She has devoted her entire life to taking care of him because he can not function on his own. I had made this suggestion prior to having my tonic-clonic seizure in September. After that happened, my health became such a nightmare, that plan needed to be put on hold.
So, during the telephone conversation last night, I tossed it onto the table again. Of course, not a problem. However, there is some urgency to the matter. They are old. I need to see him in action, this example of a possible genetic link? This is awesome! Although, this was not my trigger as I had suggested it before.
After J. and I had dinner, something was wrong. I began to feel my anxiety rise again. I couldn’t figure out why. Yes, the telephone call was atypical but I was happy about it. And in thinking, recent conversations? My mother has been more caring about my life of late with all that has gone on–getting laid off, health going down the toilet etc… I fought off taking another Valium. I can fend off this anxiety…yes, I can.
On the way home, I gave in. I pulled out my bottle of pills, stared at them for a bit and just popped another Valium. Then, I began to dissociate. When my thinking started to become a little less fuzzy, my brain virtually screamed at me: “OMFG!!! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!?!”
What did I do?
I didn’t think at all about the time I proposed for the visit. I “thought” it would be nice if we did it some time around Christmas as they are all alone and on their own. Fuck me. Christmas has always been kind of triggery for me as my mother made it so disastrous. Now, I’m tossing more family members into the mix that may bring back flashbacks, I have no idea… All I do know is that I’ve now created a field full of landmines for myself. And I’ll be walking across it wearing a blindfold.
I’ve got some time to try and prepare myself, but I’m not sure how exactly to do that, not knowing what the hell I’ll be getting myself into. I might be able to figure something out, though, as I’m surely not thinking clearly at all now. Even if I’m still reeling from all of this tomorrow, I think I should call Merlin #2. I can get in before I make the visit, no doubt? He wants me to start seeing a therapist anyway, but no. This requires immediate intervention.
I could be as dissociative to appear in a coma, yet still realize that?
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PROOF THAT I AM INSANE!!!
In case you really need it, here it is. Have a look.
This is the form that is filled out by a doctor in the Emergency Department, when you are admitted to a Psychiatric Ward for a 72 Hour Observation Period.
I actually have one of mine from one of my hospitalizations. It was given to me after I was transferred from one "Institution" to another. The second physician was supposed to ask for it. He never did.
I completely forgot about it until I was released and came home. It was still in my jacket pocket. It has all of the nice boxes ticked off that PROVE I'M NUTS.
I'm going to frame it and put it on my wall. I just haven't gotten around to picking up the frame yet.
I get pretty preoccupied with being such TOTAL WINGNUT. That kind of makes something like a frame slip my mind. Until I pause and think that some frames actually have wingnuts.
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Yes, PA is a woman but she chose this badge for four reasons:
1. She can not stand colour used for gender distinction. The one for a female Blogger was pink. Therefore, this is to be used in protest.
2. PA is also in touch quite comfortably with both her "masculine" as well as her "feminine" side.
3. The third choice of badges did not appeal to her--it was in fact rather unattractive in her opinion.
4. Blue looks better in her sidebar.
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Although, unfortunately I can't remember what all of the badges mean that aren't labelled!
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