I seem to have developed some bizarre form of “agnosia” today, and am EXTREMELY “dyspeptic.” Yes, more school jokes, but med geeky PA could have easily tossed those ones in, despite the acute onset of her Sx. Also, as far as being “dyspeptic,” I can be pretty bad with my gastro issues, regardless! So, maybe not so “acute.” Still! *shakes head*
Seriously, though. My brain is dead! If you could actually do a FULL “craniectomy,” you’d see a picture of me right now. I was drinking my tea non-stop the entire time through class, but zip, zero, zilch…
I feel like a walking case of:
“endogastroptosispolyencephalomalacia!”
Okay, I made that one up. However, if you had it, I can guarantee you’d be REALLY sick! If you want to know what it “means,” just let me know.
We have our Neuro Chapter exam tomorrow and were reviewing everything today. People, this is the NEURO CHAPTER!!! Hello??? I’m NUTS!!! I knew most of it already, plus some of the other stuff re: eyes, ears. Nonetheless, I was drawing blanks all over. Heh. Speaking of “drawing blanks all over,” this is kind of amusing.
We were doing a rapid fire of terms, and then having to write them on a whiteboard. Oh, my Dysgraphia! Even if I got one or two flashes of insight for a term, I couldn’t write it to save my life! I even started laughing, and wrote “Dysgraphia” in big letters, but couldn’t “spell” it properly, either! *rolls eyes*
I’m home now. I’ve just taken some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate, and will hopefully(?) be able to get all floppy (and less nauseous), for a bit. Then, I’ll take on more work when I come to–that is if I don’t feel “hemiplegic,” or anything.
Maybe this is some sort of strange, adrenaline roller coaster. I’ve been my own Drill Sergeant for weeks now, and over the last few days I stopped pushing myself. Last night, I popped back up after going AWOL. I threw myself right back into the Corps., instead of giving myself a Dishonorable Discharge! Plus, this doesn’t feel like post-“ick”tal© garbage. Nope.
Blech.
This was one of those: “How Weird is That? Moments.” Actually, it may have been a “How Weirder Than Weird is THAT? Moment.”
I was at school the other day and we were on break. I fixed myself a tea and went downstairs to go outside for a cigarette. I turned the corner to head to the elevators, and what did I see? Well, it was something very familiar to me. It was also something that wasn’t there when I had arrived earlier in the morning. It was quite a large “magnet” (maybe about seven inches or so?) stuck to the stairwell exit door beside the elevators.
I stole it, of course. I’m not (usually) a kleptomaniac. Just kidding! Seriously, though. Do you think I could resist something like this!
It kind of flipped me out. Okay, more than kind of! The first thought that entered my mind was, ‘What the hell is THAT doing there???’ *laughing* I think I did a quadruple take.
I mean, really. What was it doing there? Some kind of vigilante, Aspie, graffiti? Also, I didn’t recall any kind of “Awareness Week,” or “Campaigning” going on. I was really stumped. I looked around on the floor and couldn’t find anything else. So, I shoved my “new gift” in my pocket and went downstairs.
En route, I checked the Building Directory in the lobby. I couldn’t see anything specific that dealt with people on the Spectrum. Although, there were a couple of things that looked like they were “camps.” Or, “camp-related?” Perhaps something to do with sending people with Special Needs to camp? I had no clue.
When I went outside, I then started to see this, almost, “parade” of people that looked like they could have been somewhere on the Spectrum!
What on earth?! I had never seen any of this before, and I go there every day, Monday through Friday!
What was happening?! If there was some kind of Spectrum, Autie, Aspie Party, dammit, I wanted to be there too! *laughing*
I never did find out what was going on, but I do have my souvenir magnet, at least. It’s now “proudly” stuck to my fridge. I’m not finished with school yet, so maybe I’ll find out who was responsible for all of that. If I do, and there’s another “party” in the future, I’ll be sure to get an invitation!
I now know this because I am post-“ick”tal©. Although, I didn’t know this when I woke up. Nor did I know (for sure?) if I seized last night. Or, even if I had a nocturnal seizure. I’ll get to that. Due to being post-“ick”tal©, I’m quite cognitively impaired, plus I have taken some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate for my nausea. Therefore, I am circling some planet in our solar system (not sure which one), so this blog post may be incredibly confusing, filled with grammatical errors, be lacking in cohesiveness, so on and so forth!
Okay, what happened–and what’s ticking me off about it. My seizure patterns and manifestations seem to, or may have changed a bit. Any Simple Partial stuff seems to be really vague, and then take forever to lead up to anything else. Now, this could appear as a good thing: my Anticonvulsants are doing a good job of keeping things under wraps. However, with me having Epilepsy and multiple types of seizures, if a Simple Partial is going to lead to another type, I want it to hurry up! Let’s have it over and done with!
On the way home last night. More vague and prolonged Simple Partial crap and not a lot of it. That’s what made it hard to tell what was happening. Epigastric rising, DP/DR off and on, but definitely altered consciousness. A bit of rapid eye blinking and blurred vision? However, when immediately post-“ick”tal©, what a headache! Ocular induced? Ocular area! Not a migraine as it went away eventually.
This morning. I never know where I am when I get up first thing, anyway. However, as the morning progressed, something’s not right here. Initially, some mild cognitive impairment? But my legs. I’m being more clumsy than usual! A lovely woman even offered up her seat to me on transit as I was stumbling around so much. I politely declined. All of this made me think: nocturnal motor seizure? No. Now I just think it’s because I’m sick.
I arrive at school. Oh, bloody hell! Nausea, definite cognitive impairment, headache. The Instructor (who is a nurse and knows all of my head nuttiness), took one look at me and was WTF??? I knew I must have looked like zombie that was about to slip into a coma at any moment. I told her I thought I was post-“ick”tal©. She asked me if I wanted to go home. I told her, no. I said it was nothing and that I had been laid up in bed sick for 72 hours before!
Kind of funny in class with the other students, though. They were all, “…post-“ick”tal©…what’s that…?” I desperately wanted to launch into a huge “Seizure Speech,” but we were busy doing other things–like schoolwork?
Had to pick up some scripts on the way home and finally remembered to buy my damn anti-nauseants that I keep running out of! I guess actually being sick while in the store prompted me to do it? I have a nice, big stash now. However, even after taking some, I’m still nauseous. Oh, well. They’re doping me up quite nicely, so even though I’m nauseous I can still sit here and feel like I’m completely stoned? My head is hurting, though. Photophobia, too (why am I on my computer…?) Phonophobia a bit (I am sitting in silence…) The psychiatric disturbances are probably there as always–I’m just too zoned out to tell? I do feel anxious, though. Yes.
ASIDE: For those that don’t already know, when people with Epilepsy have pre-existing or comorbid psychiatric conditions, their/some psychiatric features can manifest when post-“ick”tal©. I get depressed and anxious.
I think this whole post is really kind of stupid or pointless, maybe. I don’t know. I guess sometimes the posts may be of interest, or useful. I always write about my seizures here to document them ASAP as I may not get around to putting them into my “Dossier.”
EDIT: Also felt slight weakness in head and neck area, plus right arm. This lasted throughout seizure event although no loss of postural tone. This fits with the above criteria as possible change in Simple Partial pattern manifestation.
This is in part a useless Blog Post, but in part a communicative one? I guess in part it’s a bitchy one, as well?
Being the SPAZ O.o that I am, I thought it would be appropriate to log in to my installed Twitter app. called “Spaz!” I like to use it when I feel particularly SPAZZY! Like today, for instance. I seem to be having “one of those days.”
I hadn’t used “Spaz” in a while, so apparently there was a new update release. I was prompted, so let’s update Air. Fair enough. baby MacBook already has Air for TweetDeck. BOING! “Spaz” decided to become a SPAZ O.o! I figured out the error, so I got that squared away. It had to do with the fact that Aspie Penguin normally logs in to Deck for me. Thus, I had to reset “Spaz” to do so.
However, something went wrong with my account on “Spaz.” I think. My password somehow got changed. Well, it was different on “Spaz,” as I changed it since I last used it.
Regardless, I am now locked out of all my Twitter accounts/apps. It has been an hour now, as they have told me to wait to try again via the web app. I am going to follow their instructions that did not help me in the first place (that resulted in me getting locked out.) So, let’s see if I can actually access what is mine!
I know it’s free, but it’s like a bank that won’t let me withdraw my own money. Sure, it protects me from “hackers,” as they say, but I guess I’m now trying to hack into my own account? I understand the issues and problems of “multiple log ins,” but if you have proper security protocols set in place, you do not need to go through this! WP doesn’t make me jump through such hoops if I forget my password on my blog–being such a SPAZ O.o!
Okay…let me see if I can get to you guys on Twitter! At least you know that this Post will!
Yes, that question may seem rather academic, however, in asking it (and thinking about it), I wanted to become more “academic!” *laughing* In my “findings” and “highly authoritative opinion,” the answer is: YES! *grins*
My jumping off point was really about processing your emotions, while simultaneously having to engage your brain in other activities. I think we can all agree that we can only handle so much emotional input at one time. What about the above scenario?
When your brain is “busy” working on other activities that do not involve emotions, it utilizes your frontal lobe and portions of your parietal lobe–roughly. These are areas for higher order and executive functioning. There, you make decisions, think about what may be needed in planning situations, even me typing this, and what I had to read to do it! Emotions are derived from deeper within your brain; much deeper. That is a place called the limbic system (and portions of it.) Can we have a bit of a car crash between the two?
Apart from what those conflicting and confounding researchers say (oh, I shouldn’t tease them…) what do I think? Absolutely!
If some kind of emotion pops up while you’re working away, there will be some linking between the two areas. Well, that’s pretty academic, too! You’re entire brain is one, big, neural network! The point is, you’ll need to make some kind of “decision,” or need to process that emotion. This is where I found one thing I liked–however, something I didn’t–but it was raised as a rebuttal. Then I was back to being happy–and on the right track with my entire theory of this Blog Post! *smiles*
I apologize for the lack of the Journal citation information (it’s out there somewhere!) but a study by McClure, Liabson, Loewenstein, and Cohen (2004), found that impulsivity played a role in the decision making process regarding emotions. Via fMRI, emotions that offered immediate rewards were considered more valuable than emotions that offered delayed rewards. Thus, a decision was made about the former, faster and more impulsively. However, herein lies my issue. Exactly what kind of emotions are we dealing with here? This was addressed in the book at the end of the chapter. I was relieved to read that, let me tell you!
Moving on, I looked into something called “Appraisal Theory,” or how we appraise our emotions. This didn’t thrill me so much. Yep, those conflicting and confounding researchers! All I will say, is more of how I ended the last paragraph. What kind of emotions are we dealing with? Also, in terms of what I am writing here, the modalities do not fit. If you would like to read more about it yourself, have at it!
This is what I was sort of seeking all along, and can be read in some discussion here. It’s really old stuff but it hits the nail on the head. It’s about Functional Psychology. It states that when someone experiences any emotion, they go through a process where they basically “stop.” It’s only momentarily (at least in one state and/or if it is a certain type of emotion), but if they are doing something else, they will be interrupted.
There is another very basic point of being interrupted that may occur, even if no emotion pops up. We don’t exist in a vacuum. The example everywhere is that you are focussing away with your “higher order functions,” and… “What was that?” A sound. Or we could see something out of the corner of our eyes. Now, toss into the equation any emotion that pops up.
So, in a very simplistic form, we’ve created not only an interruption but a disruption here. We’ve upset the balance. Also, remember what I mentioned about what type of emotion/s? Have we now got our car crash (even without the external, sensory stimuli?) Maybe if we add several emotions, we’ve got a bit of a multi-car pile up! Further, if we’ve got mental health issues, let’s hope we haven’t closed the highway and there aren’t any fatalities!
Finally, I thought I’d leave you with this article about “more emotions.” Like we don’t have enough already? *rolls eyes*
Without question, this blog missive is not the first to be written regarding advocacy, mental illness and how out any of us are. However, I’m going to bring it up again, based upon it happening to me (again.)
We wrote an exam in class today–which I totally forgot about, as I was too panicky in reading a new chapter last night. I was even more panicky this morning, as public transit was royally screwed. Like many of us, Aspie/AD(H)D spazzes, sticking to our rituals schedules, is extremely important!!! Not that I have control over things like public transit, but still!
So, we wrote the exam and I was talking to one of the other girls in the class. We were comparing marks. She scored a big-bang 100%! Yay, her! W00t! Wee PA? Despite her panicky, forgetful, winginess? 93%. Now, I’m not looking for kudos, here. I don’t care. What this leads up to, is our discussion of just exactly why I need to be so, very careful regarding our exams.
I told her that I have Dysgraphia. I have mentioned this many times on my blog, but for those of you who don’t know what it is, I’ve tossed the Wiki link up again. She asked me what it was. Here we go!!!
I explained it to her (short and sweet, I can’t write well, messy, screw up my letters and numbers, reverse them, miss letters and then misspell things…) Therefore, that is why I need to really pay attention with our tests, and why I still get things wrong when I damn well know the right answer! I told her that it is very common with people who are on the Autistic Spectrum and who have AD(H)D. I then told her I have Asperger’s and ADD!
The girl said that she thought she had Dysgraphia too! The Instructor is a Nurse and blurted out: “What do you know about the Autistic Spectrum? Have you been diagnosed by a Doctor?” I just about killed myself laughing.
Some more questions ensued, and then I made my standard joke about my Medic-Alert Bracelet–that it’s amazing they could engrave everything that’s “wrong” with me on it. She wanted to see it. I said I have Bipolar as well, and Epilepsy. I stopped there. I mean, really. Why keep going? However, you can obviously see that I am quite the “advocate” and quite “out?” I always have been, but I “advocate” in my own way.
I’m not one for soapboxes. I don’t even think I am on my blog, but I may have to rely upon my readers to give me some insight on that one. In terms of a “not-so-soapy-box,” like public speaking for an Advocacy Group? No. I’ve never done that, but I could. I just haven’t chosen that route. I advocate in a more simple manner. Basically how I did today. I speak to people individually, or in a pair, a group of a few. I just talk to them, “as me.”
And you know what? I’ve found it unbelievably powerful. So many times, the people on the other end are wonderfully receptive. They ask probing questions, they may have someone they know with mental health issues, and the ones that really make me happy? They’re the folks that actually have mental health issues themselves!
As soon as I open up, they slowly start to do the: “…well…eh…uh…I…erm…” Do you know how awesome that is? I don’t probe. I just sit and listen. Who knows if these people have told anyone else before but me?! The last thing I would want to do is freak them out!
So. Anyone else? Want to talk about how you “advocate?” How “out” you are?
I’ve been meaning to stream this one for a long time. Perhaps I should just let it speak for itself? Well, I’m the one that said it blows me away! That’s me speaking for the song!
“Why Don’t You See Me” by Concrete Blonde
The other night when I was coming home from school, I realized that all of my studying had made me hypomanic. Yes, going back to school triggered a Bipolar episode for me. This was probably due to at least three factors.
I’ve been unemployed from being laid off since the spring of 2008. I haven’t been in a full time, educational setting in many years. Finally, assembling this entire “re-integration process” happened in only a few days. Oh, wait. Four factors. I’ve also joined the first class late. So late, that I have to learn basically all of the material by the middle of February. No pressure!
That day (night…) I had been working for nine hours straight. I stayed at the school, as I didn’t want my travel home to interrupt things while they were still fresh in my mind.
Oh, my mind! When I did finally go home, racing thoughts, looking around, everything was aglow! All bright and shiny! My music on my iPod was just so awesome! *laughing*
I think those were all of the crazy things going on? That’s probably because all of my meds did a really good job of reigning in the rest! However, when I got home, I did not want to stop working! People, this was only the fourth day after I started the course. After the first two, I thought I was going to die; and an extremely painful death, at that! Some hypomania, indeed?
Initially, I thought my hypomania about school was just “the bestest thing ever!” In fact, it took me right back to those golden, old days of uni., when I wasn’t even dx’d. A lot of the time, I only lifted half a finger to sail through my courses. Sometimes, I only had to lift my eyelids.
(Hypo)mania is overrated. At least I think so. It’s not a good thing. A lot of other people who have Bipolar may see things differently, but that’s exactly where I’m headed–with a very poor “literal segue!” When you’re (hypo)manic, are you “seeing” or thinking clearly? You might think so, but no. I hate to “disillusion” you. Think about your episodes, and then later when you’ve come back down to earth.
Granted, I won’t chastise anyone for their opinions about whatever mental illnesses and/or disorders they have. The two most common reasons I hear from people who have Bipolar, and their affinity for (hypo)mania, are these: it either enhances creative ability or heightens productivity. Sometimes they say both.
Again, who am I to judge? All I know is that I can not stand anything that makes me cycle. Or, better put, I can not stand my cycling, period!
Case in point? My hypomania, and all of the fun it brought me, soon wore off that night. Another mood shift occurred, and my thoughts started to become rather…warped? Distorted? Then, things weren’t so much “fun,” anymore.
Every once in a while I get these certain types of emails. I don’t know if any of you readers who blog do, as well. If so, you know how they go:
” Dear <Insert Blog Name>,
…blah…blah…useless…random…crap…nice…spelling…mistake…
blah…blah…we…love…you…
Signed,”
Yep, sometimes they don’t even bother to put a name. Those are the ones that are easy to spot. Delete!
With others, you have to do a bit more digging to find out who they are, what they are about… Although, even if you do, that doesn’t mean they’re all that “reputable.” Well, let’s not use that word. They could be just “weird!” Fine. You want to link to me–knock yourself out! Put PA wherever you want to on your site!
Then you can get the real deal. Or a real deal. Yep. Totally legit., almost no research or online legwork required, and dependent upon the scenario, PAs socks have been completely knocked off! This has been due to her “esteemed” company, and…well, really, how the hell did she end up getting picked for any of the lists at all!
As I always say, I can not, and will not vouch for any of these sites’ or blogs’ content. That is a decision for you to make yourself, as an individual reader. Is it of merit to you?
One thing I will say is that some of these blogs? Well…holy shit! No, the majority are by uber-smart Professionals! I’m one of two patient bloggers. CRAP! That other “patient blogger” is no doubt a ba-jillion times smarter than me, too!
I do really like the description they gave me/my blog, though. Here it is:
Patient Anonymous: Entertaining yet valuable posts in this one of a kind blog written by an individual diagnosed with several mental disorders.
So, what the hey. If I can’t be smart, I can be entertaining? *laughing* Also I can “stand out,” make a spectacle of myself, and be “crazy?” HA! Maybe that is a pretty good description of both my blog and myself!
Here’s the link to the list. I know I’ve got some serious reading to do here.
Thanks for adding me. I am extremely honoured and flattered.
Dr. Fucking PA, indeed! I think it’s time I switched careers and became a Funeral Director! At least then I could handle things all in one go! Quite simple! Just toss my sorry, sad sack, ass right into the incinerator and that would be it!
I don’t know if I want to rip out my hair, cry or both! Probably the latter, even more, and then incinerate myself!
Today was my first day of school, but last “night” might have been it, in reality. Not knowing what the hell I was walking into, I ran through the chapter in the textbook they would be covering. Oh.My.God. Where do I begin? *crosses eyes*
How does being at it for at least five hours minimum, sound? Maybe six hours? I finally started to get ready for bed around midnight.
I am late to the class. It has already been “clipping along,” however, I didn’t realize just how much. They have their final exam IN A MONTH!!! I want all of you to imagine what my face looks like right now. I took a Valium/Diazepam on the way home today after we were done. I didn’t even know how I felt at the time. Nonetheless, I thought it a good “pre-emptive strike,” as I sure didn’t have a clue how I’d feel in the next five minutes!
The course is comprised of mostly terminology, and not so much Anatomy and Physiology. This came as quite a surprise. In fact, it’s much more than mostly terminology. And some of these terms?! I mean, now it’s time for me to eat an entire bakery of Humble Pies! Dr. PA is pretty good but…
Not to mention, this is lots of fun for her loss of ability to spell and retain verbal information, due to her loooovvvveeeellllyyy Anticonvulsants. It’s not that I don’t love you, my pretties; you keep my bean in fairly stable shape. In a lot of ways. For all the goddamn things that are wrong with me!!! Still, you’ve made me stoopid and loopy in my bean (despite all the goddamn things that are wrong with me!!!)
This is also a real gas for my Dysgraphia!!! Oh, Bloody Hell to the nth degree! Attending school is bad enough, but when you’re dealing with some words that are 15 characters in length? *bangs head on desk* Even if I do know the term, I can still screw it all “around the world” in 80 days minutes seconds no, days…because it TAKES me that long to fix it!!!
I took the Instructor aside during a break to ‘fess up about the Dysgraphia and the Asperger’s. She said it was fine, everything would be taken slow. Pfft. Cold comfort, if you ask me. I’m not complaining, though. Both she, and all of the other students, are great and very helpful.
At least I got my assignment done, and only one wrong mark. However, more lovely testing on the above chapter, tomorrow. That means I need to do some more review tonight. I was so overwhelmed by simply doing the work, plus figuring out how the class was run, trying to understand the course’s overall structure…
The Instructor is going to prepare me a little “package” for the previous eight chapters. I do want all of the information–I need it! Between learning all of the material as we continue to move on, I also have to get that previous stuff sorted in a cohesive manner. I need to bring all of the elements together. None of it will make sense if I don’t. I know how to do it; or how I want to do it. We all learn differently, and I know “my style.” I know what is effective for me. It’s just going to take me so long!
Well, as a true “medical student,” I guess I’ll be working non-stop, all the hours I can, and then try to fit in what’s left for sleep and food! *rolls eyes* Then I’ll move on to my next course, or “rotation.”
Just to leave you with my favourite term from Chapter Nine, here you are. Also, I’m not giving you a definition. Think how well this one went over with my insane Dysgraphia!
coccidioidomycosis
Wait, let’s translate that into “PA Speak.”
- Supercalifragalisticexpialadocious!
- Corporate Idiots Do My Taxes
- Occidental Diode On My Coat
- Coincidences Are My Costs
- Moldy Cods Are Gross
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The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
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Currently Reading (Bless my Stims!)
Besides textbooks? *laughing*
"Altered States" by James Hughes
This is about creativity in various forms of "Altered States" as the title indicates.
However, not simply drugs or substances. No, all sorts of states of the mind.
I'm not sure what I think of it yet.
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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Click HERE for the one and only Nutcase Bed Poll!
PROOF THAT I AM INSANE!!!
In case you really need it, here it is. Have a look.
This is the form that is filled out by a doctor in the Emergency Department, when you are admitted to a Psychiatric Ward for a 72 Hour Observation Period.
I actually have one of mine from one of my hospitalizations. It was given to me after I was transferred from one "Institution" to another. The second physician was supposed to ask for it. He never did.
I completely forgot about it until I was released and came home. It was still in my jacket pocket. It has all of the nice boxes ticked off that PROVE I'M NUTS.
I'm going to frame it and put it on my wall. I just haven't gotten around to picking up the frame yet.
I get pretty preoccupied with being such TOTAL WINGNUT. That kind of makes something like a frame slip my mind. Until I pause and think that some frames actually have wingnuts.
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Yes, PA is a woman but she chose this badge for four reasons:
1. She can not stand colour used for gender distinction. The one for a female Blogger was pink. Therefore, this is to be used in protest.
2. PA is also in touch quite comfortably with both her "masculine" as well as her "feminine" side.
3. The third choice of badges did not appeal to her--it was in fact rather unattractive in her opinion.
4. Blue looks better in her sidebar.
Keep Scrolling for More Blog Love...
Although, unfortunately I can't remember what all of the badges mean that aren't labelled!
Dr. PA Available For Consultations:
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at the email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
Diversions and More Blog Love
A Word A Day (Improve Your Vocabulary!)
Anime News Network
anime-planet
The Chronicles of George (Amusing Records From an IT Support Department re: "George.")
The Proofreader's Hall of Shame (Courtesy of codeman38--see my Blogroll for more of him.)
The Rick Mercer Report (Fine Canadian Political and Social Satire--Excellent Show.)
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