1. My Internet keeps crashing.
2. My HEAD keeps crashing.
3. An older man in the pub is now talking to me. He can’t bring himself to tell me that he’s in love with me, so his heart is crashing.

They’re doing a lot of construction a few blocks away and they keep messing up on the job.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


I think you should all be aware that PA is suffering a fair amount of anxiety at the moment.  That anxiety would be due to her approaching treatment for Addiction.  Also, it would be appropriate for you to know that she has also started smoking again.  She had quit before.

This presents quite another problem.  You should never try to quit multiple Addictive Substances at the same time.  I am doing my best to try and keep her smoking under control.

As far as her alcohol consumption? Oh, dear.  It is like she has reverted back her days in University! Attending many parties before she must, as she sees it, a rather large Guillotine.

I am not doing a very good job in trying to convince her that she should stop doing all of these things.  I really am trying, flapping my flippers all around as much as I can.  She might be alright for a couple of days or so.  I almost feel guilty in my duties.  Am I not flapping enough to get her attention as I should do? Are my flippers not strong enough.

I will keep trying.  I will never abandon her.  It is my purpose, my one and only duty to help and take care of my PA.


Well, what’s really stupid is to type with a touchpad on your mobile–in a moving car.  Accessible Transit to see Therapist.

The really BIG stupid? I’ve told two women something. One was a LDR, bound to fail in a lot of cases but hey! We’re still going to give friendship a shot.

So I’ve told you two women basically the same sort of thing.  I’m backing off, backing out, whatever, because they have “Lives.”

Things that are real and tangible.  Partners, friends, jobs etc.  I have none of these things.  If you put it in that context, then I have no “Life.”

But I get it.  I do.  I totally understand their situations.  I used to have types of “Lives” years ago as well.

In one case, I asked if I was too high maintenance.  Super Duper Full Life (aka LDR.)

In the other, I just made it simple.  My decision, but blunted: “I think…” vs. “I will…”  You know.  One of those types?

And I said it last night.

It’s like waking up with a verbal hangover.©  What I said has been making me feel like me crap, and so guilty ever since I woke up.

PERFECT ANALOGY RIGHT NOW: I’m currently locked out of my Therapist’s Office when it’s always open.

And I need caffeine to somehow Un-STUPID me a little.

I guess my dilemma is, am I hurting these people? In sounding like I’m making some sort of dramatic abandonment of them?

I’m only saying that because of misinterpretation to the max.! And nobody bothering to talk it out.  Plus the English language is ridiculous! Maybe I am hurting them?

But talk it out.  Which is always my preference.  Except the little problem where  I’ve been the one to say I won’t talk.

The other part of the dilemma? Am I actually protecting myself and my own emotions?

Because I don’t do that.  And if that’s what I’m doing, it feels REALLY strange.

And scary.  Because if I’m protecting myself in not talking to them, it feels like I’ve forced them to abandon me by my own hand.  Would you care for a second pretzel with that?

I know it’s not black and white.  Things in life never are.  They can’t be! It goes against the law of nature itself.  Something changes every second you breathe.  Even faster than that!

What am I doing? I just about stormed out of my Therapist’s Office three times. My appointment is over now.

Nothing was getting through her head.  She didn’t sign a form right so that went into the trash.  That was the first explosion of my verbal hangover.©

It was like her ears were stuffed with cotton.  I was too exhausted to keep explaining things.  She’s never like this! Well, I’m pretty fucked up too.

I extremely, hugely, vaguely danced around this business with me: taking care of my emotions or upsetting someone else.  That sort of linked to something else were talking about.

She kept repeating things that I should have done something regarding a problem I had.  It was a big problem, but as above, no damn energy to explain MORE.  Second puke of verbal hangover.©

I just sat staring at paintings on the wall.  Then it hit me! A True Revelation!

I shouted, “We’re all human! We all make mistakes!” Uh, yeah.

There’s a longstanding joke about Aspies and others on the Spectrum going to Therapy.  Google Alexithymia for a start.  That’s one of my problems.

I don’t know how my “Grand Proclamation” fits in with all of this.  I know it probably does somewhere.  That makes me feel a little less Stupidupider.

But one thing my Therapist said made me my ears perk up.  Well, all of me really.  Did I end up becoming her Therapist? Her Priest? No, I don’t think she’s Catholic.

Not strong enough to be counter-transference? I don’t think so.  But when I said that was really sweet a couple of times, she kind of changed her demeanor.

She said she felt like she was “My Protector.”  She didn’t want to see me have to take on everyone’s problems and everything else they had to deal with.

It’s obvious that’s a huge issue for me.  We both know that!

But hearing what she said.  I’m too close to the situation.  Votes.  Counter-transference or not? I don’t care.  No Transference on my side.

She can protect me as much as she wants! When we first met she said how she worked was “very eclectic.”  I knew she was for me and I didn’t need simple Garden Variety.  Focus on my PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia and really crazy stuff.

You can’t find Therapists that can take on that just anywhere.  She’s human.  Maybe because tiny, crazy, wee PA requires extra care.  And maybe it’s something she just feels about wee PA.

I think I can fix what I said to that one woman if it came off wrong now.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


Sorry.  You have to read the Post I wrote before this one.  I can’t break my window.  Even with my MAGLITE.  But that’s not exactly the problem.

I just got a “Like” on it, by someone I really “Like” now.  Both blogging and music is weird.  That is completely redundant and confusing on more than “so many levels.”

Goth tunes are happening now.  I can’t defenestrate at this point. Now way! AWESOME!!!

P.S. Regarding that (on) “so many levels.”  CAN EVERYBODY STOP SAYING “GAME CHANGER!!!” Fer feck’s sake!!! Can’t anybody be original anymore? Even if I’m not sometimes? Bloody hell!


I have Therapy tomorrow.  I’m not looking forward to it.  I think it’s because I’m still drinking and even smoking.  Which I had already quit.

But when some motherfucker not even capable of licking a cunt decently.  Only a cow’s asshole full of shit? An ex-friend like that? And those are just two minor descriptions? Someone that comes back into your life out of nowhere? 

That causes no bother except you to take Legal Counsel? Well, I think it’s only fair for me to FALL OFF THE WAGON.

Thankfully, I’m in the clear.  Legally and with no Threat To Harm.

It’s been a fun week or so.  I didn’t blog about this until I knew everything was okay.  Thus, I could tell the person who is more of a mental case than me (if you can believe THAT!) to get the hell out of my life.

After he told me to get out of my life a fair time ago.

I tried to help someone with a problem tonight via text messages.  I hope I did a good job.  Sometimes you don’t know what hemisphere you really are in.  Well, more than sometimes for me.  If I’m even on the planet.

That is not related to the person mentioned above.  Absolutely not! Nope.  Just me.

Does anybody know of the WONDERFUL Band Junior Boys? Electronica with a singer that is purely sublime.  I can never stop listening to them.  Like now.

First Album.  “So This Is Goodbye.”  Written about and/or inspired by his breakups with relationships, I believe.

The title track is my favourite.  Then, “Count Souvenirs.”  But watch out for “No Kinda Man.”  It just might defenestrate you.

Excuse me while I listen to my favourite tracks, maybe some more and the defenestrate.  Oh, the lightbulb just went out.  I can’t see my keyboard very well.  I’ll take baby MacBook with me when I defenestrate then.

Hmmm…hard to proof when I can’t see here.  Even though I just grabbed my MAGLITE. *shrugs*


Okay.

Tell me how happy I am right now.

Several years ago, I managed to get the fuckers out of my apartment by non-stop cleaning (and re-cleaning) for a week.

I cannot do that here for a lot of reasons.

Approximately(?) 20% of the population have reactions to bedbug bites.

I fall into that approximate number and look like I have hives all over me.

Way, way, way, way, way back in time, some people used pepper to get rid of them.

Whoa, a natural solution!

Shit on toast, a BANDAID solution.

The Building Manager is away on Vacation.

The little pricks (pun intended) are attracted to CO2 first.

That’s why their goddamn hivey-bites appear mostly on your upper body, arms, hands, neck and face.

Alright, I won’t breathe.

Except in maybe a plastic bag secured around my neck so they can’t bite me there.

However, because I’m SO OUT OF MY MIND WITH IRE I TIE…!!!

Well, at least I won’t have to worry about bedbugs anymore.

I won’t have to worry about anything anymore.


Hopefully? I’m pretty sure definitely because it was NOT PRETTY.

Allergies can remain dormant for a long time.  The humiliation? I thought I’d try having some beer again after it made me so sick a couple of years ago.

Hey! I was fine.  Fast forward to about a week ago.

I didn’t have much.  Maybe two of three bottles and they were paced.  I vaguely remember one thing.

A paramedic saying, “Oh! She’s gonna throw up again.”  I could feel him turning me onto my side.

Then I openend my eyes to find myself in a hospital room.  I was all by myself, the lights were turned off and the door was shut. 

They had already done all their tests on me.  I was on one of several ER areas where they monitor you.

Carefully.

Thankfully I was on the BEST and obviously my favourite ER Doctor’s Rotation.  His Intern working with him was an agel too.

I have no idea what happened.  At the time.  I found out I was there for nine hours.  Well, I lost consciousness pretty bad, I guess.  Hold me there that long for Observation. 

But I don’t know anything of what happened as I was still unstable upon Discharge.

I realized and put it all together much later when I got home.

Found unconscious puking in bar.

Found puking all over bathroom and making no sense in uni. Taken to hospital by Campus Police.

Drank beer maybe I don’t know, several years ago.  Mental!!!

Maybe two years, that one bottle that made me want to die.

Now? Severe allergic reaction? And it’s not the alcohol, it’s something in it, or used to process it.

So there I was for all to see.  Some drunkard getting hauled away to who knows where because…

Some gossipy hag who lives in our building asked me! She wasn’t even there!

I’m ready to give up my humiliation.  In trade for an Gimme my Epi-Pen perhaps?

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


Hopefully you can try and follow this Post because it will not be written so well.  Brief too.  Sickness.  Oh, sickness.

How many times do you say you’ve hit “Rock Bottom” when you’re really just sinking further and further down the ocean.  Maybe your own ocean of making.  Addicts find any excuse.

This is an “excuse” though.  It might be Rock Bottom.  Or as close as you can get.

There was a period ago, Maybe a year or so when I developed an allergy from drinking beer.  Something in it? Something to do with the way it’s processed? So I tried wine.  Red of course.  Gotta include those tannins!

Blech.  I didn’t feel so great with that.  However, it wasn’t as bad as the beer.  It got to the point where, just one bottle left me so ill, I wanted to heave.  Although, I am serious Emetophobe.  I have to be seriously ill to barf.

And so, being an “Intelligent Alcoholic and Addict” I found the perfect drink.  Unlike the others, completely different ingredients and processing etc.  Vodka.

Step back to the night before last.  Beer.  Well, it had been a long time so I thought I’d try beer again.  I figured I’d know if I’d have a reaction as I’d feel sick so fast! Nothing.  Huh.

OMG.  The night before last.  I had baby MacBook out but no signal.  So, I thought I’d just listen to music.  Was already drinking beer.  Felt fine.  Did have some spliff (who cares?) Well, I don’t about a lot these days.  It wouldn’t do this to me.  If anything, simply coincidental!

I walked away from everyone and went back inside the place.  I didn’t want anything more to drink (intersting statement for someone who can drink like crazy.)  I didn’t want any more beer, just to go home.  No more beer.  I’m not feeling well?

I packed up my bag, and…

…I wake up…

…in a hospital.

In really rough shape.  By the time I came to, they’d already done my labs and tests and…

I was found “With my head hanging over puking.”  That’s all I know.  Or was told.  And that no seizures happened.  Which is clearly VERY good.  My meds are holding me perfectly in line.

Allergy to beer.  Now an extremely, epic, possibly die, allergy.  Die? Think aspirating on your own vomit if you’re lying on your back.  We found a friend in uni like that and she had already thrown up.  Fuck me! We got to her in time(?) because she did throw up again.

Which I do remember.  Hearing the paramedics say that I was going to throw up again and saying/feeling them turn me on my side as I was on a gurney.

Wait a minute.  When I was in uni.  OMFG HOLY SHIT THIS WAS THE GENESIS AND IT LIED DORMANT FOR A MILLION YEARS!!!

I went out with a guy I knew from class while doing my laundry.  All of this on campus and I kept putting him off as I had a lot to do.  Finally, I gave in.  Two bottles, see ya! Chores done, go home and do whatever.  Boy did I do a “whatever.”

My housemates weren’t home but when they got there? I had puked all over the bathroom (remember I never puke!) and was in this really altered state making no sense at all.  Note: my seizures were dormant )or had just stopped in neuronal activity as well.  Common to stop during adolescent years as mine did.  They came back in my late 20s.

Of course they were AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Called Campus Police and get me to hospital.  One housemate stayed with me to make sure I was safe.

I had no clue.  I thought the guy had drugged me! Nice similarity to what happened the other night.  But that other nights IN SPADES.

Makes me kind of wonder what else I could be allergic to…heh…heh…  Well, enough on my plate right now.

I feel incredibly toxic at the moment.  Sicker than I’ve been going through Detox and Withdrawal so far! Combination of the two?

I’m not fucking going to drink today! Are you kidding me? The hospital has screwed up time a bit so it will be between 2.5-3 days today.

But beyond drinking, the allergy, Rock Bottom? How humiliating to be sitting somewhere barfing all over and you can’t really move.  All the while, nobody knows the situation, the circumstances and why.  Then 911 is called, you’re thrown into an ambulance, the public watching on like you’re a Circus Freak.

That’s pretty fucking bad.


Mommy told me something
a little kid should know.
It’s all about the devil
and I’ve learned to hate him so.
She said he causes trouble
when you let him in the room.
He will never ever leave you
if your heart is filled with gloom.

So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin.
Smilers never lose
and frowners never win.
So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in.

When you are unhappy,
the devil wears a grin
But oh, he starts to running
when the light comes pouring in
I know he’ll be unhappy
‘Cause I’ll never wear a frown
Maybe if we keep on smiling
He’ll get tired of hanging ’round.

If I forget to say my prayers
the devil wears a grin.
But he feels so awful awful
when he sees me on my knees
So if you’re full of trouble
and you never seem to win,
Just open up your heart and let the sun shine in.

So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin.
Smilers never lose
and frowners never win.
So let the sun shine in
face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in.


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.

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