I’m finding myself falling into a pattern again. It’s bringing men I meet in a bar home at closing hour.

I did this years ago while Bipolar High Swinging. Alone, lonely. However, the majority of the time was when I was spurned (or worse) by a woman I was in love with.

Yes I’m gay. And a clear yes to the spurning and worse, it was unrequited love.

So I’d select some random guy and fuck him. Certainly not the other way around.

It was ridiculously easy. Sit in a corner. Pick one. Start making eye contact, and before you knew it, all of your drinks were free.

Back home was ridiculous. All of the compliments, wanting to “make love.” I wanted to slap them all until their teeth fell out. The only thing that was alright was giving me a precoital massage. Briefly.

Afterward, I’d kick them out of my apartment as fast as they came (extremely bad pun.)

One guy insisted upon sleeping and cuddling until the morning. I actually grabbed his stuff, threw it toward the door and started screaming at him to get out. I think it was 0400hrs or so?

I wasn’t angry with them, of course. They were nothing. Blank Canvases. Simply there for me to throw my life’s mess all over them. Constantly trying to find the right colour of an unruly heart.

I’m back again. This sordid terrain. Yes, there is another woman responsible who is driving me to become irresponsible.

Sure, I could “own it” but it’s not that easy. Especially considering the past, and how easy it’s been to slip into it all over again.

I need to stop stranger danger with these men I meet. It hasn’t been pretty.




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