Melissa Said 19

October 2, 2012 in Blogging, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Head Injury, Health, Hospitalizations, Neat Neuro Stuff, Patient Advocacy, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, Therapy, Womb Twin Surivor


None of you know Melissa.  You don’t know Jason either.  Or Amelia.

Jason was from my coma.  He visually appeared and we did “talk.”  Symbolically for him, a feeling of my own voice in my head for me.  He was about 8-years-old.  I’ve suffered retrograde and anterograde amnesia surrounding the whole event, but when I came out of my coma, apparently he was all I’d talk about for hours or even days!

Well, “Melissa” did appear vocally (in my head) when I was taking the evil Depakene to initially attempt treating the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus.  She was a child then, but is now 19.

Amelia is 6-years-old and showed up a little while ago when I was emailing someone about a seizure I just had.  Amelia called them (as I was just writing) what I had called them as a child when I had them at her age.

Then, I began to write like her in the email.  My handwriting changed to that of a child’s as well when I was writing all of this in my notes.

Then, Melissa showed up.  Again.  Dangerous.  Ominous.  Predatory.  Violent.  I knew it was her.  Before, when she spoke in my head, she was a brutal, extremely angry child, and beyond condescending.  She also held great disdain for me!

After Amelia was set aside, it was time for a “confrontation” with Melissa’s presence all over me.  I felt like I was physically doing battle.  My entire body was aching, and in so much pain.  Then it stopped.

More to the story, but Melissa said I would finish grieving: 19.  I don’t think days! 19 months?

Now, like Jason, it is basically a form of telepathic and intuitive form of communication.  There are no “voices” I can hear in my head from them, per se.  Sort of.  It’s complicated.

I have tried and tried to get Jason back so many times and it hurts so much.  Nothing.  I have questioned if he was my lost twin I “met” while in my coma.

Melissa and Amelia? Unpredictable.  Well, Amelia is only six! Not to mention Melissa is her protector.  Interestingly enough, after all the fighting, Melissa is my “protector” too.  I asked about the age change and she replied that she had to figure out if I was a strong enough and suitable host.

Perhaps that’s why Melissa doesn’t show up too much.  She’s protecting me.  She did say one time when I was fuelled with questions, that it was “enough.”  It was too much (for me) right now.  Then she was gone.

Due to factors of my mother’s miscarriage, I’m wondering if I may in fact be a multiple Womb Twin Survivor! Ugh.

I keep questioning myself, thinking I’m totally insane, and asking Melissa to prove she and Amelia actually exist! Melissa says it doesn’t work that way.  It’s not like they’re evil demons that will turn me into Linda Blair or start throwing things across the room.

Regardless.  19.  19.  19.

VERY IMPORTANT: If anyone who is remotely under the DID umbrella of diagnoses and/or has PTSD (as well) I’d really like to hear from you.  I haven’t picked up any Womb Twin Survivors (yet?)

Wait.  Oh, boy.

I was thinking all along while writing this, Melissa wanted me to do it.  I went to the bathroom, pondering the idea, and BANG! Melissa said she’s my protector, so who is this that almost hit me like a brick? And then told me, “You’ll never get what you want, you know.”

Bully.

I told him since I was in the bathroom, why don’t we (old school) “take it outside.”  I went for a cigarette.  Of course, more questions.  Me back to going out of my mind, thinking I’m just putting my own words into some delusion in my head.

He said, “You couldn’t put any more words into my mouth, because I have more than enough for you.”  And why the bullying? He said he’d do it just because it’s fun.

Melissa? Did you make me write this somehow?  “No,” she sighed.  “Bruce” did.

POSTSCRIPT:  I can see all of the aforementioned very clearly in my mind.  I can describe exactly what they look like.  Bruce? Not quite yet? He’s around my age though.  I know that.  Dressed like a “tough guy.”  Dark hair.  Hefty build but not overweight.

Further, I have never had any delusions or hallucinations before in my life.

4 Comments

  1. estnihil

    October 3, 2012 at 13:26

    Sorry I don’t have PTSD or DID that I know of, but at one point I did THINK I had DID because I kept having what’re called ‘pseudohallucinations’. Basically I kept hearing voices talking to me from inside my head (as opposed to regular hallucinations, outside my head). They had rudimentary personalities, so I thought, hey maybe I have DID, but as it turned out as soon as I increased my antipsychotic they just disappeared entirely.

    I think the clincher was, I wasn’t losing time and I had complete memories. Well, I have repressed memories and repressed emotions of memories, but the thing was, each ‘individual’ voice had the same memories. I don’t think DID is like that from what I’ve seen browsing the internet (I know I know that doesn’t qualify me to be a psychiatrist at all). Do you lose time and have memories only certain alters know?

    Sorry if I’m not much help, But hopefully in your case it’s just pseudohallucinations like it was in mine? Though from what you say, it doesn’t exactly sound that way.

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  2. patientanonymous

    October 11, 2012 at 19:55

    Hi estnihil sweetie. Thanks so much for this comment. And pfft about you thinking you’re not much help. You have seriously helped me here!

    And as I always say to others. Mega-Kudos for sharing and being so open about things in their lives. Same here to you. It may help a lot of others feel like they’re not alone in the world.

    Now, of course I had to run off and research “pseudohalluniations” as you said you were experiencing. Hey, how could I not (med geek/research hound.) I found something VERY interesting. I’ll answer your questions first (some of which will come from my research.)

    Also, there is a DID umbrella of diagnoses. Due to my Dissociative Amnesia, I am actually under the “umbrella” and officially have a Dissociative Disorder! Label Whore.

    The voices “inside your head.” That’s me. I even try to talk back to these individuals, but they so rarely respond. Like never? When I do try, I do not really “hear” my own voice. It’s more of a cognitive variation/recognition. So maybe I do hear it? See the research findings…

    OH YES! I must say that this is all VERY NEW! So I’m still working on what the hell is going on. But I might have an answer. Perhaps a nice, neatly wrapped, package? I’m not sure, but you and any other readers tell me if it might make sense–despite Neurology being the mess that it is–and all other medical specialties or practises as well.

    Mine are not rudimentary. When Melissa first showed up as a child, she knew and mentioned my name. And she did not like me!

    Losing time with a DID alter? That is a Dissociative Fugue. An alter will take over and later the person will have no memory of it and bizarre things might happen. They might find something that the alter bought when shopping with bank withdrawal slips and money that was never taken out of the bank. Things all moved around and out of place. Lots more. Nope not me.

    I’m not sure of each voice having the same memories. I think a lot of DID alters are separate parts. But maybe not with everyone. I’d have to talk to more people with DID!

    And just to be clear, all of your voices shared the same memories between themselves? Or did they all share your memories?

    I don’t lose time when we “talk.” I am completely aware and in the moment. I can also feel a “presence” at times. I think only when someone new shows up. *nods*

    Ties into what I found!

    And again, I can “see” what they all look like. That is in my mind, however. I don’t see them visually, like walking through the room. Ask me to describe them and I can.

    More about memory? These folks are individuals. I seriously don’t believe they share memories between each other, but I don’t know. They haven’t told me. Do I have shared memories with all of them? Ditto. But this is where my “research” took me and I owe it all to you!

    I was dicking around and not finding much until I did find this very sparse page stating “Dictionary of Hallucinations” and lots of links. This might be my clincher. My neat little package tied up with my Dissociative Amnesia and PTSD!

    One link took me to “Hallucinated Inner Speech.” Basically, it has to do with Verbal Hallucinations, but there is something that’s a major “Ding!” to the head. Sorry, bad pun.

    Initially, Vygotsky (psych dude) said this happens when you’re talking to yourself in your head. “Oh, dammit! I forgot to do that!” It was then, he removed the word “Hallucinated.”

    Hang on to your Hallucinated Inner Speech Brains or anything else! Modell, another psych dude shows up. Totally moving way past Vygotsky and definitely removing “Hallucinated!”

    The Inner Speech aspects are things that: “…can be understood in part as reflecting those organized configurations of the mind we term internalized objects.”

    WTF?

    Let’s go back to Freud who was mentioned. A breakdown of the ego. What’s this got to do with Melissa, Amelia, Bruce? My Dissociative Amnesia and PTSD. If my ego is starting to slip and these folks are showing up, some kind of meaning?

    Then Modell really goes for the gold! He states that the individuals that are involved within this Inner Speech are people close to the individual!!! Add it all up? Barriers are coming down re: my Dissociative Amnesia and PTSD? My ego is opening the door a bit and saying, okay, time to let this girl learn some more of what’s so heavily locked up? Even the heavy presence when someone new appears? FUCK! PTSD! Who the hell is that???

    One last thing to say, though. My therapist and I had great talk about it. And more. I can’t believe Dr. PA is saying this (for the first time?) but in the Western World, we tend to medicalize everything to hell. Something’s not “normal” and we need to treat it; try and fix it.

    Fair enough. If any sort of “hallucinations” are putting an individual (or others) at harm, then intervention should be taken. But these “hallucinations” (that I am now referring to as “Inner Talk” thank you Modell) are not hurting me or anyone else.

    I placed our Western view opposed to so many other cultures in the world. What was my “problem?” I even suggested the philosophical aspect of Semiotics that we do practise here. Again, no problem.

    So there you go. *pops french fry into mouth* *laughs*

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  3. estnihil

    October 11, 2012 at 20:49

    To be completely honest with you, something I would NEVER tell you if you weren’t all the way in Canada, I have always been comforted by my quasi-psychotic states rather than hurt by them. I have had basically periods where I spaced out, talk to ‘imaginary friends’ who talk back so quickly it’s basically ‘inside head hallucinations’ or pseudohallucinations as I called them. Well anyway, my weird delusions and inability to tell fantasy from reality are much too complicated to put in one comment, but the point is, I agree with you when you say that hallucinations do not require intervention if they do not cause harm. (By the way, I DID eventually start getting harmful pseudohallucinations and delusional thoughts, but that was actually after I got medicated. No more comforting psychotic states for me, no siree!). Ugh my brain is so scattered I can barely write this.

    The main problem with DID diagnosis I think is all the dissociative disorders are so closely related. I actually had a hell of a lot of the symptoms of DID the last time I checked, but that’s only because DID shares so many symptoms with Depersonalisation Disorder, and I suffer from a lot of depersonalisation.In fact the great wikipedia whose name shalt be exalted sayeth “The symptoms of dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue and depersonalization disorder are subsumed under DID diagnosis and are not diagnosed separately”. I happen to have had flashbacks before, have a lot of amnesia about my childhood and am depersonalised constantly. When I started hearing voices, but not audible voices, it really tipped me over the edge into thinking “Oh crap oh crap oh crap maybe I have DID”. But they did mostly go away with the antipsychotic increase as I said.

    Also I’m not entirely sure about this, but I have heard that people can hallucinate in times of stress. Either you have DID, but it’s not fully ‘in swing’ yet (an educated guess on my part), your Bipolar disorder for some reason or other now has a psychotic part attached, or possibly stress is causing your brain to go a little loopy. There could be other possibilities, though.

    Oh and, by the way, when I had (psychotic) imaginary friends, looking back on things they used to do INCREDIBLY DID-like things, like step into my body and control me. Moreover, I could almost see their faces I had such a detailed image of them in my mind. Could this be related to you being able to tell what your possible alters look like?

    Will email you back when I’ve had time to think of a response. I get so paranoid about what to say in emails that I generally have to sleep on it until I’m happy enough to respond.

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  4. patientanonymous

    December 8, 2012 at 19:14

    Hi estnihil. Good to see you back for this discussion. I have “news” as well!

    NEVER tell me if I wasn’t in Canada? Oh, honey! *hugs* I’m quite sure if I was your next door neighbour you could tell me! All is good between us.

    Now let me get to your comment first before my “news.” Things have changed since my last comment here.

    As far as DID being diagnosed with the others under the Dissociative Disorders “Umbrella” it is true. There may be problems trying to eke out just what is going on with the individual and what they are experiencing. There may be some crossover things, however, some things seem flat out obvious. Too much confusion? the “-NOS.”

    And the DD Umbrella isn’t the only place where this happens. All mental illnesses and disorders can share bits and pieces of other things. The result could end up being another diagnosable condition! For example, I have some OCD tendencies re: my Asperger’s. Although not enough to warrant an actual OCD diagnosis. There’s a lot of (or can be) OCD business with Asperger’s anyway, and I’m not just talking about stimming.

    The constant depersonalization you’ve described along with *Dr. PAs head goes ding!* flashbacks? PTSD? Now, I can get into this along with with so much of your amnesia about your childhood too! You are experiencing a variance of me?

    I’m throwing PTSD into this due to both the Dissociative Amnesia and the mega-flashbacks! Flashbacks go hand in hand with PTSD and the amnesia. The amnesia locks up something that happened during childhood so tight. It’s a defense mechanism for the PTSD. This is my exact model.

    The only difference is I don’t dissociate constantly. However, when I do, it can go on for different lengths. A couple of times all day/night, sometimes it’s been hours, others “less” whatever that means. It’s kind of hard to time dissociation–just like my seizures! And yet, maybe not. Because I have DP/DR with some of my seizures–those experiences are a lot different from my PTSD dissociation.

    Ironically, as I’m replying, I was dissociating like hell from childhood flashbacks last night. Lasted about…two hours?

    Stress? Oh, hell yes! It can exacerbate any problem one has, either mentally or physically! Total mind-body connection! It exists!

    Seeing these people? Yep, I see them all. However, I saw Jason in my coma while in the ICU. Hang on to your hat for him. I was bawling and bawling so much! God, I need my notes! It was SO much!!! I wrote three pages of everything going on and everybody talking.

    And talking. Above I said I couldn’t hear my own voice. Well, I sort of can, actually. Maybe the best way to explain it is like…hmmm…well, ‘jeez! I just hear what I recognize as my own voice while everyone is communicating. I can recognize everyone else’s voices too. They’re just not as clear as mine are sometimes. Maybe it depends what mood they’re in? *laughing*

    This was just last Tuesday. All three of them–Melissa, and Bruce just rode into my head with me not even asking to talk to them! Long conversation but I was kind of…”guys…I’m tired and I want to sleep. Thanks…I understand…”

    Next day. I wanted to leave Amelia out of the talk from the night before. She’s just a young kid so I didn’t want to upset her. I was getting in shit. An ass-kicking to straighten up! We’re going to be here, to help you fucking do it! And that’s it. End of story.

    Amelia was there, too. All three of them now. Even Amelia was ticked off at me. Although, that was more regarding a question I asked her. A very specific problem.

    Then, I tried calling out for Jason. For the millionth time.

    HE FINALLY CAME!!! After almost two years!!! As above, I was bawling and going insane! We talked for a bit but I found out something with him and the other three that is extremely troublesome. I made a vow to him. A vow I will NEVER break!

    To close, after thinking I’m making all of this crap up, I keep telling them I’m just writing a script in my head for them to say, all sorts of excuses…it was finally drilled into my head last night that doing so was impossible.

    I’ve had it drilled into my head enough that they are all my lost twins. They’ve told me it a SO times! And it is definitely true that you can be a multiple Womb Twin Survivor!

    A lot of the Womb Twin work is very intuitive. They’re dead. You’re not, but you lost someone that you were extremely attached to. Yes, even as an embryo! So, you’re left with an imprint of them. I actually put several pieces of “a/the puzzle” together that night.

    I need to talk to my mom about this as her miscarriage was unbelievable. Extreme. A lot of tissue that was separate from more tissue and loads of blood. Therefore, I think it is quite possible that she lost more that one embryo.

    Later, when everyone returned to Canada, it was crystal clear. Her womb was enlarged to fit the size of twins. Based upon that, I knew I had “a?” lost twin. I was told this as a child!

    Hell, I just got off the phone from a guy who knows all about this and I told him of being a multiple Womb Twin Survivor. He said, “makes sense to me.”

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