Well That Was Most Unfortunate


While eating dinner I seized.  It has been two months since I’ve had a seizure.  That’s been very good.   Very.  It wasn’t serious.  A Simple partial, I lost my vision for a bit, a kind of floppy head but I was sitting down.

However, I really wanted it to progress to a Complex partial where I was wandering around unconscious, then eventually I would explode in one grand tonic-clonic.

Isn’t that disgusting? To want to put myself through that?

Well, I surely have put myself through worse by choice (I can’t choose to have a seizure.)

On the heels of wanting to throw out all of my possessions last night and really, I suppose, throw out all of me…  One more confirmation that I am…

If I write “useless” you are all going to jump on me and say that I am not.  But do you really know? For so long and even to this day, this is what I am apparently being told.  I am trying, on all fronts…I am doing everything I can but sometimes, try as hard as I might, it still doesn’t matter.

With anything.  Everything.

I may be immediately post-“ick”tal© right now so that may speak to some “drama” of this post, but really.  Nonetheless, I won’t “speak” to a list of “reasons” why I’m tired of this, tired of that.  So many “excuses.”  I’m not sure if they’re even relevant anymore.  I doubt it.

I may very well be sickly worse post-“ick”tal© tomorrow when it wasn’t even a significant seizure.  More “uselessness!”  Hopefully I’ll be okay for my wonderful trip to the Food Bank and then to discuss something very indicative of “uselesness” that…well, certainly I can’t write about here.

Yeah, yeah…I know some of you care out there and I am sounding like a whiny, pathetic piece of…useless…  I’m sorry.

Don’t comment.  Please.

EDIT: Oops.  That wasn’t the right thing to say.  Not to comment.  Indeed.  I am immediately post-“ick”tal©.  You see? This makes you “useless…”

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  1. Hope you feel better soon! :(

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  2. You’re entitled to whine whenever you’d like. Feel free to whine in my email.

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  3. Hi Canageek. Thanks hon. I just got up a bit ago so I don’t know. I may be walking a bit funny so I could be in post-“ick”tal© land. My head sure isn’t clear–well, less clear than it usually is when I wake up. My moods are bad. I can feel where this is heading even if the post-“ick”tal© state isn’t really bad.

    This is transitory, however. Again, I am still struck by the irony that when I try to do something “good” I then become sick afterward. I am seriously working out some Bad Karma. At least at the moment. Who knows what’s coming down the pike later on. That Karma may be SUPER BAD!

    xo

    Hi Kathryn. You’re sneaky! *wee grin* Well, not really. I just had to look you up due to your comment. It was so intimate and I was kind of confused by looking at your link. Then, I realized.

    I blew my hard drive a while ago and that nuked all of my Bookmarks. Either that or I was a (post-“ick”tal©?) dumbass and never Bookmarked you in the first place! I doubt that, though. I asked for the link in the first place!

    Anyway, thanks hon. Good grief, what exactly did I write here? I don’t think it was that bad. No, I remember most of it!

    Ah, the good ol’ OMG! “The-good-ol’-PA-almost-got-her-terms-mixed-up-then-learned-more-scary-stuff-about-her-head!”

    I was going to say something about “Anterograde Amnesia” but that didn’t seem right. I can form new memories after a seizure. It’s more like, ‘why is/can be my memory so messy on a very short term level after I have one?’

    Oh dear. From what I’m reading, only my brain? However, maybe I was on the money with something?

    Transient Global Amnesia. Sometimes I can’t remember stuff that happens after I seize. Or sometimes I can’t remember things so well? Or sometimes maybe I’m fine?

    From what I’m reading, though, it may not be that common in people with epilepsy, or it may not be so common for me to have it go on as long as it does–people snap out of it faster. On the money? It may be more common in people with NCSE!!! What did I write about recently? I’m a prime candidate for NCSE (Non-convulsive Status Epilepticus.)

    Still, this all sucks. It might be a good “test” though. I need to go out this morning. So, if I’m all sick and gross and blah, let’s force myself. Good practice if I seize and even though maybe not killer post-“ick”tal©, a way to think of it as going to work.

    Uh oh…the signs are starting to come. I’m post-“ick”tal©. Oh joy, oh bliss.

    Thanks again Kathryn for the invitation to whine all over you. I just can’t stand myself when I do it on my blog so often, Twitter etc… I know I can’t control things but I see others out there that seem to have better control.

    I know, I know…looks can be deceiving but at least they don’t throw it all over the Internet.

    xo

    EDIT: Oh yes. I probably shouldn’t be surprised re: being post-“ick”tal©. There could have DEFINITELY been some NCSE going on! After I got up (no motor myoclonus or seizure problems in my legs) I needed a cane to walk. So, there you go. A combo deal?

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