(Don’t) Get Me Outta Here!

March 16, 2011 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Health, Meds, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Therapy, Uncategorized


It stopped raining.  After days.  The sun came out.  A good time to go and pick up…? *freezes* *gulps* *stares* *twitches*

I couldn’t move.  I had to go and get some things.  Today.  I knew it and sure, I could have just “ignored” the fact, been “lazy” and put it off until tomorrow.  But I made the decision to do it.  Because it needed to be done today. As soon as decision made? I couldn’t do it.  I just couldn’t.

I took a Valium and put on some proper clothes.  I still couldn’t…

Okay.  Fuck this shit! Go.  But I can’t!

My heart was pounding faster than my feet on the pavement.  I wanted to cry so hard.  But no.

Don’t let them see that.  You learned how to fight back those urges as a kid.  Way back.  You may cry at this point in your life, but at this moment? There would be so many, too many.  You’d be treading water, doing the doggy paddle, just to try and stay afloat.  Heart still pounding so hard.

And heaven forbid anyone throw you a lifeline with a ring attached.  No one’s near.  All you’ve got are a few strands of sewing thread, and that ain’t gonna do it.

Of course I forgot to get some of the stuff.  Hell, I just about forgot to go to the bank beforehand! Well, “afterhand” as I’d already forgotten half of what I needed to buy!

What next? Go home, sit in that little box and go more insane? No, I’m sitting in another little box to go more insane.  Change of “insanity scenery?”

I’ll pick up the rest on the way home if I can calm the hell down a bit here.  I may know that when my heart slows its “Indy 500 Blood Race” throughout my body.  Also if I can eventually type properly.

2 Comments

  1. doyourememberthattime

    March 17, 2011 at 15:39

    don’t be hard on yourself. you did it ! there are so many days when i fail to leave my house at all. be proud of your achievment.

    Like

  2. patientanonymous

    March 18, 2011 at 09:25

    Hi doyourememberthattime. Nice to meet you and welcome. I don’t believe we’ve met before. I think I’d “remember” your moniker!

    Thank you for your support. It really means a lot. I don’t think I was being so hard on myself. No, just describing the situation and how it felt.

    You see, I’m not one who really feels such anxiety that reaches near panic attack levels when going out. Anxiety, yes. But not that extreme. It has happened before, but not so much.

    I’ve also had the same feelings with Agoraphobia. A little bit, but not that much. I guess it’s a little strange being both somewhat foreign, and also so intense at the same time.

    You say that there are many days when you cannot leave the house at all. I know others who are in the same boat. I’m not like that, but this does seem to be popping up a bit more these days, I think.

    However, I’m not sure. I’m feeling more like the hermit than I usually am. I’m also under a lot of stress and pressure from so many different places. I’m sure that doesn’t help. It’s far easier to just get caught up in that.

    I’m also on my own, so huge prodding needed from myself to do it! If I don’t have to go out, why? It’s better if someone is along to take me out, but I can still tend to be pretty obstinate about it!

    You are right, though. I managed. I have to again tomorrow but that is for something REALLY important. I doubt I’ll be panicky there. Definitely anxious but of a different kind!

    I’m doing my taxes. So, I’ll be crossing my fingers, praying to any $DEITY that will have me. All along the way, I’ll be on my knees begging, “Please let me get some decent money back!”

    Thanks again, and so pleased to meet you,
    PA

    Like


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