A Note From Addiction Central

January 13, 2015 in Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, Cranky, Cutting, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Hospitalizations, Meds, PA Sucks, Patient Advocacy, Seizures, Self Medication, Therapy, You Decide

In my last Post I said I was going to AA.

That entire prospect is scaring the shit out of me right now.  My head is spinning and racing, questioning, “WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK???”

Intellectually, I know that’s entirely stupid.  Joining a support group isn’t going to magically make my addiction problems disappear.  But I’m still freaking out about going.

I’m so fucked up with my addiction problems and going to AA, I’m now at the point of of being suicidal.  Oh, fab PA.  Just fabbo.  Layer it on.

And I mean ACTIVELY SUICIDAL. 

Fuck doing a cutting.  That hasn’t, or hadn’t, entered my mind since I’m writing about it here.  I honestly have no desire to do a cutting.  Just kill myself.

Oh, and forget going to hospital!

“Hi. I want to kill myself.  I was going to do it tonight but I came here for help instead.”

“Why do you want to kill yourself?”

“Because I’m an addict and I want to go to AA, but I’m totally petrified of it and me not getting better and the only thing I can see is offing myself in the next five minutes!”

BANG! Straight into some Detox Hell I go, with no Psych or Medical needs…well, that I need!

Obviously not an option.  Well, to admit myself.

OD? I have so many pills left over from extra refills and when I was trying to get my seizures and moods under control from losing my Clobazam for so long.

Think about it kids.  I was UNDERMEDICATED FOR YEARS.

No wonder I was so fucked up! That’s why I’m now on huge doses of my other two.

Turn (CRANK!) up the volume to maybe save this girl? Nobody knew for sure but some magic did occur.

All the seizures stopped.  It’s been about a year and a half.  My Anticonvulsants do double duty.  Epilepsy and Bipolar.  That’s why I was also going out of my mind for so long as well!

Moods okay too.

Except now.  I’m not cycling.  At least I don’t think so because nothing before the serious business about AA.  The suicidal thoughts? I feel better now that I’m Blogging about it.

So, no.  I’m damn near the fastest Ultradian Cycler of the Bipolar Ultradian Clan.  I’m like a Revolving Door.  In and out, roundabout in 24-48 hours. 

It’s almost a blessing in disguise.

Okay.  I barfed, or bled, or shit all over the screen for you here.  My selection would be shit.

Thanks for reading.

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