More…And Are You There Sisyphus?

August 7, 2007 in Facts About Patient Anonymous, Uncategorized

I’ve been trying to decide after that last post about Mozart if I should take a break from blogging.  I don’t know.  I’m not sure as it’s still a connection and it gives me something to do. That has always been the case.

But that was heavy–traumatic.  It still is.  Tears this morning when I left the house…tears on the way to work on public transit.  I didn’t care.  I’m trying to reserve my tears now for private times.

Work this morning was a struggle.  I told some people and tried to hold it together.  Ex-partner asked me yesterday if I planned to go to work today and I told her that yes, I would.  I couldn’t stay home getting all depressed.  It would be good to go out and try and keep my mind off things.  But to come home to an empty apartment again without my sweet boy?

I stopped off at another pub on the way home–not my local as I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  I do this when I want to be antisocial.  It’s summer here so the patio is open and I just sit with my iPod on and drink and smoke.  Why we can still smoke on the patio is confusing as we have anti-smoking laws in the city.  No matter.

Not to worry, everyone.  I’m not getting pissed to the gills.  Right now, I’m just finding it a little bit easier to have something to drink in order to come home.  Something to relax me a bit.  It hurts to not have him there at the door to greet me with such affection and enthusiasm.  I miss him crawling all over me…being so goofy…even walking all over MacBook when I’m composing blog posts.

Maybe I need a prn instead.  I don’t want to start heading down the self medication highway.  That would be completely stupid and dangerous.  I don’t want to add something else to my cocktail though. It’s already at epic proportion.  Maybe an additional 25mg or Seroquel during the day? Again as a prn? Merlin’s on vacation but he’s very good about leaving alternate numbers all over the place when he’s away for emergencies–home, mobile…

Crap, drugs aren’t the answer (but they can help you getting over a hurdle when you’re a mental case facing a crisis.)  Lord knows booze isn’t the answer.  Time is surely the answer but I don’t need to crack up over this.

And speaking of a prn–or more than–on Radio PA it’s been “All Tallis All The Time.”  Plus something else and a bit.  You’d think that would be the worst thing but it is relaxing and I just can’t listen to anything upbeat and happy right now.  Well, maybe I could but I’m certainly not being drawn to it.

So yes, Tallis–Sisyphus…connection and well…  I’ve never publicly called out to another blogger (or ex-blogger?) on my blog and that may be a terrible thing.  I apologize in advance.  I don’t know if you are even reading this blog or if I am on your blog radar.  If I am and you are reading this, could you email me? That is if I haven’t pissed you off by dragging you into the public spotlight.  You’re a great person and I know we haven’t talked in a while and I would really like to hear from you.

Okay…probably a stupid request but…well, worth a shot?