I’ve ventured back out into the online world, now feeling like I want to run away all over again.  Gee, did I “push” myself by making a single post and pissing about on Twitter tonight? Writing a couple of measly things, and chucking up a bunch of songs on blip.fm?

Truly, I was only bored.  I had cabin fever.  I’ve been trying to write (when my brain is willing to cooperate) so I “ventured” out of my flat.  Yes, try to escape my hermetically sealed existence.  Oh, alright! I confess! I poke holes in the bag to breathe!

More “Truliness.”  I’m pissed off.  I know.  More repetition in my posting.  I’m not only pissed off with my life, but I’m pissed off with a bunch of other shit, as well.

Even more “Truliness.”  If I thought it would help, I’d toss my sorry, sad ass into hospital right now! If I met any other person in the state I am? I’d drag them by the roots of their hair if I had to get them to go inpatient.  So, why do you think I may be a tad hypocritical, here? Well, even if I explain, you still might see me as a hypocrite.

After seven hospitalizations, it really is pointless seeing a shrink that doesn’t know me from their own interns (actually, they may know me better than their interns.)  Scary thought, that! Even better demonstrated? Dr. PA knows her own screwed up bean.  Dr. PA’s Team knows her screwed up bean.  They work together on her screwed up bean.  Even if a shrink that does know me better than their interns tries to help, they still won’t have a clue and listen to Dr. PA.  This was proven by her last hospitalization!

After four days, I went from being in crisis to not, then immediately discharged.  This was all due to me having Asperger’s and due to that, being (or appearing) so bloody smart! Well, I am Dr. PA so I do understand my illnesses, disorders and psychiatry.  Nonetheless.  They said I was so smart, they didn’t deal with Asperger’s and I needed outpatient therapy–despite the fact that I still wanted to kill myself.

“Truliness,” I very much would like to go to hospital right now.  I really would.  But another thing I’ve learned in navigating our system for so long.  Harder to talk your way in and go voluntary.  Yes, fight to get help! Exhausting.  So, even if I were to…? I have to hang on until I see Non-Arsey Neuro on the 9th of August to go over meds.  That was the earliest appt. they had.

I’ll try and go to bed in a bit.  My mind is racing.  My head is hurting.  Please not another “overstimulated-migraine-brain-thinks-you’re-having-a-seizure-whack-out.”  I should have something to eat.  Try to relax.  See what the hell tomorrow brings.  Probably nothing different.

  1. licoriceroot

    I SO feel for you. Both times my daughter has been in-patient this year, insurance wanted her out after 3 days. They said she was in control of herself. Never mind that she is bipolar and Lithium was being titrated up last time when it caused throid issues before. Still 3-4 days and “bye” hope you do OK. It’s funny – if I have a cold, I can walk right in to the minor med and get help. But when my child told us she wanted to die so she would stop seeing scary things, and trying to claw the beetles off her skin, she had to wait 3 WEEKS to get in to a doctor. How stupid is that?
    It would be nice to have “walk in” psych clinics for those days when you just wish you were dead and need help NOW, not in days or weeks.


  2. *hugs*

    It’s ridiculous but not surprising that a person saying “hey, help me because I want to off myself” has a harder time getting help than someone who actually goes about doing such things! I mean, the odds are on then, as to whether or not you actually do it and who knows what the results would be.

    Ridiculous!! But please do take it easy, and try to remember there are people out there who care :)


  3. Hi licoriceroot. Thanks. Nice to hear (well, not “nice”) you totally get the scenario. It’s just horrifying when I think of it. I can well understand the fact that the health-care system is so overburdened, has lack of resources and…

    That’s not what this is about, though. Well, I think you and I can clearly see that. We’ve both dealt with it first hand. Actually, I just had a thought. It may fit in with the comment made by Svasti, too. I’m not sure. Not quite awake yet. T’was a long and late night, thus, major “Sleepus Interruptus.”

    How often have we been nailed by society, medicine, who else, as these “cry for help cases?” I don’t know. Maybe that’s why it’s harder to get help voluntarily.

    The reason I thought of this, was when I did my first cutting so many years ago. I was emailing my cousin (who I no longer speak to, but not for this reason) and we were talking about my psych admission. She’s an ER doc.

    She didn’t know why I was admitted, but immediately went on a huge diatribe about cutters and how they were so incredibly difficult to deal with, never stayed on their meds and were only looking for attention. I just sat back and let her verbally flail away to her inconsiderate and ridiculous heart’s content.

    Then, I simply responded back that I was admitted because I had done a cutting. You could almost hear a pin drop over the Internet. She didn’t know what to say. I told her that whatever she felt was “fine.” *smirks*

    I saw her a long time afterward, and either she’d grown up a lot (she’s a year older than me) or had some major “sensitivity training” or both. We had a good talk about my head, my meds (geeky me) and she “showed” no signs at all of discrimination during our conversation. Good lord.

    I idolized this girl growing up, too. She’s on non-bio dad’s side, so maybe in a way not surprising. They march around 24/7 in their version of the Macy’s Day Parade, but for assholes only. In fact, you need an official “Asshole Membership” to attend.

    A bit tangential there, but just to demonstrate that I’ve actually experienced such discrimination in an incredibly, personal way–by a goddamn, family member! Although, I know other people out there have, as well.

    A Walk-In Psych Clinic. I like that licoriceroot. That would be awesome! Sort of like an immediate “Psych Triage.” Separate from the ER, so even better than their “Fast Track” system–which of course is rarely anything but fast. Talk to them first, and then they could determine whether you go inpatient or not. Hey, maybe Dr. PA could hang up her shingle to do that!

    Hi Svasti. Hugs back hun. Yes, what you say makes sense, and I don’t know what you think of what I had to say in return re: the “cry for help” issue. And yet, the “obvious” can be seen as a cry for help, too. They’re just so obvious you can’t ignore them, right?

    I guess nobody was looking a couple of weeks ago, when my toes and feet were hanging just a little too far over the edge of the subway platform, as the train was coming in. And the fact that at the last moment, I did manage to lean back enough, so that it didn’t bash my face into smithereens. It wouldn’t have killed me, but perhaps indicated a significant degree of fuss to show I was a “potential jumper?” Seems not.

    Oops. Did I actually write that? No, I’m not kidding. Sorry to frighten any of you out there, but I told you the gravity of my situation before. I told you I wasn’t just messing around.

    So there’s some “obvious” for you? Although, still not enough for anyone to notice. *wry grin*

    Try not to worry, folks. I’m really working at keeping it together to not pull any other stunts like that or anything else. I think deep down I know I should to stay here. I just need some serious help in convincing myself of that fact. The problem is, I fear I may be the only one that can do that convincing. Rather a nasty Catch-22.


  4. the key reasons why


  5. Hi Melanie Cowherd. Nice to meet you. Welcome, as I see you are new to my blog.

    Your comment is brief, however, I am going to operate under the assumption that you are in agreement with some of what I posted and/or what can be found in the comments.



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