The Afternoon After

August 7, 2009 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Patient Advocacy, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, Self Medication, Therapy

I’d say “The Morning After” as in the typified, hangover idiom but no, my “Cutting Hangovers” are always in the afternoon.  There are several reasons for this.

95% of my cuttings are done at god knows what hour of the early mornings so, well…I guess you could literally say there is no “Morning After.”  It’s “Morning During.”  Even still, if I were to cut at the strike of midnight and then jump right into bed immediately, I just wouldn’t wake up before noon.

Well, I might? I probably would, actually.  I just wouldn’t get out of bed.  I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.  Oh, no…I’d be weighted deep down in thick, dark, gooey layers of Depression.  Forget it.

Various shades of afternoon would eventually follow, maybe a phone would ring or something but that would definitely be ignored.  However, unortunately I would have to get up at some point.

You know, no matter how hard I keep trying, I am not completely a corpse yet.  My marks at “The Human Corpse Collegiate” aren’t exactly as good as they should be, thus negating me the luxury of being almost a perpetually, sleeping, human being.  Some students do it and still attend classes!

Boy, will I miss them after graduation! So will their parents.

So, yes.  These are my hardest times after my cuttings.  “The Afternoon Afters.”  When you wake up with…well, perhaps more of a clear head? That could be a really big “perhaps,” though.  You could still be dissociating a bit (if you were before.)  Yes, the depression.  The guilt and as I specifically mentioned shame in my previous post.

You may still feel like your whole world is crashing down all around you.  You may feel ghosts (or former graduates from the Collegiate?) are coming back to haunt you and you wish they’d leave you alone–or at least sit down for tea, goddamn it and fucking talk to you for a change!

I could probably ramble on here and say more things and you could probably add more yourselves? And this isn’t exclusive to Cutting either.  It could be for any kind of Self Harm.  Hell, you may even be able to take it so far that it could apply to any problem that occurs with whatever form of mentalness you have when a supreme flip out happens.

Even though Dr. PA is terrible at following her how advice, definitely for “The Morning After,” “The Afternoon After,” just “The Entire Day After,” lots of rest!

If you still just want to sleep, that’s okay.  If you are awake, do something or do nothing.  Cry and sob or just sit there like a vegetable.  Eat if you can.  If not, drink water or anything else (non-alcoholic is generally preferable…)

If one day of this isn’t enough, it’s alright.  You’ve been through some heavy shit.  Dr. PA knows.  Just take your time and keep resting.  You’ll be back on your feet in no time.

NOTE: If any of this is kind of off in grammar, punctuation etc…  Well, it’s my “Afternoon After” and I’m kind of off in some part of Dissociation Land.  I think.

Ashamed to Blog

August 7, 2009 in ADD, Asperger's, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, BPD, Cutting, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Health, Patient Advocacy, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, Self Medication, Therapy

I wrote a post about what I called Sane Face Blogging. This is different though. “Sane Face Blogging” is when you put on mask, your brave face and you just do it!

Apologies for the Nike reference.  Are they still using that?

Ashamed? Different.  Deeper.

My blog is really honest if you didn’t know that already.  Apart from myself, I talk about a lot of subjects that, perhaps, most people would definitely want to sweep under the rug.  Well, tonight, something came to me.  Via my own actions and/or events: Being Ashamed to Blog.

I did a cutting tonight.  I’m tempted to bring back the whole “suturing thing” (oops! I did!) but that is not really the point.  The point of the cutting is the why and the identification with past ones and the most important ones, patching it all back and THEN:

Emailing the fucking person for tonight! Telling them that you did a cutting and that it was “for them.”  Or a “Dedication for Them.”

I mean, how the bloody (sorry…) fucked up is that? I love you so much, I carved up my body for you.  Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  Sometimes, that’s just how cuttings work.  And the people on the other end can either handle or it, or they can’t.

But it still leaves you sitting pretty, doesn’t it.

EDIT: PA seized too.  PA should take meds…this post may be written next week! Fuck the meds, she’s so flurried and spun, it’s like she’s just gone down to the seediest part of town and gotten the best score of <insert your street drug of choice> and…? Post-“ick”tal© states and alcohol and cuttings…

Well, another form of sitting pretty?

*PA pads off for meds and water and a cigarette* (if she can walk, yes, it was a Simple Partial Motor Leg Seizure!)

So Shame? Well, we all feel it.  I feel ashamed right now.  I feel like a Royal Fuck Up! But does that mean I won’t blog about it?

No.

I’ll continue to blog about being the shameful ass and the eternal fuck up that I am!